Mistified

(Fig 1: Tajiri gives Nelson Frazier Jr his comeuppance for not acquiescing to our Big Gay Viscera character demands).

What with the departure of our trustworthy, diligent, and sexually ambiguous intern Chip, yrs truly Malibu Sands has does a piss poor job in keeping up with the ol' Facebuster mailbag. Well I pledge that's gonna change starting RIGHT NOW. Between today and the self-imposed demise of Arabian Facebuster at the end of this year, I pledge to answer 1...no, make that 2...pieces of fan mail.

Rest assured, I am making this intellectually demanding and wildly time consuming gesture out of appreciation and loyalty to our dear readership and correspondents.

So without further ado, let's go the gunny mail sack...

Demolitions Matt and Pat write:

Mr. Sands: What are your favorite illegal, foreign objects in professional wrestling?

What a great question Demolitions Matt and Pat; thanks for asking it! In descending order, here are my top 10 favorite blinding, incapacitating, and/or unconsciousness inducing professional rasslin' foreign objects and object based attacks...

10.Loaded Black Glove
9. Arm Cast
8. Ring Bell (particularly when it is employed by a certain "Macho Man" Randy Savage to crush the larynx of one Ricky "The Dragon"Steamboat)
7. Tennis Racket
6. White Powder (preferably of the YaYo variety)
5. Steel Chair
4. Plastic Shopping Bag
3. Automobile! (preferably those which are traveling at a high rate of speed in a Memphis TV studio parking lot).
2. Fireball!!

and my #1 favorite foreign object is...

...

...Green Mist!!!

And of those deliverers of that mysterious and practically hypnotic Asian mist, my favorites would have to be "The Japanese Buzzsaw" Yoshihiro Tajiri and, to a lesser extent, The Great Kabuki and Killer Khan (particularly for his blinding of that egomaniac Hulk Hogan).

My absolute favorite though is The Great Muta.

Embedded below for yr consideration and hopefully yr approval and sense of contentment is a 200 second, career spanning tribute to Muta's multicolored toxic spewing prowess and versatility.

Of the dozens upon dozens of mistings in this montage, for me the sequence with Muta standing on a chair so he could spray the green mist in the eyes of worthless tall drink of water El Gigante (aka Giant Gonzalez) at about the 50 second mark of this clip provides the most delight.



Enjoy.

DO NOT Mess With This Man...

...otherwise, prepare to be in a WORLD OF HURT, courtesy of the IPW's answer to Hulk Hogan, Kerry Von Erich, Bruno Sanmartino, Dusty Rhodes, Magnum T.A., Jerry Lawler, and The Road Warriors all rolled into one compact, dirty 'stached package...TONY THE SPIDER.

Capiche!?

Update: Dwayne Wayne called. He wants his shades returned at once.

Oh, Sweet Lord Jesus!!!

Get yr Hogan Family Death Pool scorecards out, Facebuster Nation, for the two front runners in our Hogan Family Death Pool sweepstakes -- Linda "Ginormous Droopy Breasts" Hogan and her 21 year old sperm donor Charlie Hill -- are engaged...to be married!!!

Unlike our slacker Facebuster Sexy Action News Team, the PopEater Sexy Action News Team has got this story covered:

Hulk Hogan's former wife of two and a half decades, Linda Hogan, 50, is engaged to 21-year-old boyfriend Charlie Hill.

As Limelife points out -- in a post littered with the term "boy-toy" -- Charlie will be stepfather to Brooke Hogan, who is one year his elder. "Linda's hubby-to-be was [her son] Nick's friend before this whole relationship started. They started dating when Charlie was only 19," the blog writes. The news broke courtesy of The National Enquirer.

The two will reportedly wed next summer, aboard Linda's new yacht, named 'Alimoney' [sic].
Linda's divorce from her wrestler husband was finalized in 2009. While there's no word from the Hulkster on the couple's marriage plans, it's impossible to forget his comments to Rolling Stone

Brooke Hogan told E! satellite radio in 2008 that she was "totally freaked out" by her mother's new romance. "I personally don't like it at all or condone it, but she's my mom, so I have to show her support. I went to school with him. He was a grade under me. Me and Nick know him well."

Hulk Hogan's new leading lady, Jennifer McDaniel, is, according to some, a dead-ringer for his daughter Brooke. "Keeping the split classy, both Linda and the Hulk moved on quickly and dated wildly younger people, with Hulk getting engaged to a 36-year-old who, proving he has a type, is of course platinum blond," writes Babble. Hulk proposed to McDaniel in late 2009.

"My marriage to Linda was very toxic and very negative," Hulk told FOX News after his engagement. "Jennifer is just the opposite, she doesn't drink or get high on drugs. She doesn't watch anything negative like the news or TMZ. She doesn't read the newspaper. She always walks in the spirit of Christ, she never deviates. I can really see myself marrying this woman." last year: "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater [Florida] and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife ... I totally understand O.J. I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody's throat."

I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around the copious quantities of booze and prescription drugs that these fine upstanding lovebirds will surely consume to celebrate and consummate their sham love between now and the wedding date. Apollo Spas and Ms. Bissoux, I hope you are both busy preparing yr respective Death Pool victory speeches.

Rocky Mountain Thunder: Bigger Than Even He Thought He Was

Facebuster Nation: With a nod and chest bump to '80s schlock rockers Europe, it's the FINAL COUNTDOWN with regard to rasslin' matches involving Rocky Mountain Thunder...unless Rocky winds up making a triumphant return to professional rasslin' via TNA! as part of an invasion angle featuring the washed up has beens and never weres of the American Wrestling Association (like you wouldn't mark out at the site of Rocky kicking the crap out of Kevin Nash, Greg Gagne drop kicking Kurt Angle right in the mush, Jamin' Brian Kendrick taking on his mentor Shawn/Sean Michaels JAMIN' MAN MITCH SNOW, Scott Hall fighting himself, Larry Nelson barfing up about 16 cocktails and/or snorting cocaine on the lap of Mike Tenay, and the TNA roster recording an even catchier version of the Wrestle Rock Rumble).

That's right there are only two clips left in the Rocky Mountain Thunder vs. the either unsuspecting or masochistic jobbers of the AWA series that riveted the Showboat Sports Pavilion and kept the Las Vegas EMT's busy during the Spring and early Summer of 1988.



Make that one.

Rocky's opponent here is a fellow by the name of Hunter Thompson, an apropos moniker for a sad sack Las Vegas jobber. While the Gonzo Journalism popularized by Thompson (the author, not the ham 'n' egger) privileges style, panache, and immersion in the experience over accuracy, polish, and pragmatism, Rocky Mountain Thunder is wholly incapable of applying any of these concepts to his craft. See, for example, the monkey flip at the 1 minute 52 second mark.

Runner-up titles for this post include: (1) Rocky Mountain Thunder -- What a Delightful Man That Man Is -- Rocky Mountain Thunder; (2) Lee Marshall: Knows What (Hairy) Larry and The Graphic Said; (3) Rocky Mountain Thunder, Delightful Man? He Is Every Bit of That; (4) Here Comes Rocky Mountain Thunder: Look Out!!!; (5) Rocky Mountain Thunder: Candidate for the Championship of the World; and (6) I Don't Know What the Point of That Was.

Neither do we Rod Trongard.

Neither do we.

Yr Old Skool Arena of the Week

The Omni, Atlanta GA...site of several Starrcade's in the 1980s and countless Georgia Championship Wrestling and NWA house shows.

Another shot of this excess in 1970s architecture can be gleamed here.

Friday Night Videos (Jobber Dismantlement Edition)

Friday Night Videos, in conjunction with the Arabian Facebuster Sexy Action News Team, via partnership with Tony Jaro's River Garden Incorporated, with the expressed written consent of the Cabin Fatties in Training Society (C-FITS) is proud to present some tag team action of the enhancement talent abuse variety. The abusers -- the rather odd pairing of Stan "The Lariet" Hansen and Sid Vicious. The abused -- common named jobbers Scott Allen (aka Guy with Name on Tights Guy) and Jeff Anderson (aka Guy without Name of Tights Guy). The game plan -- For Hansen, to intimidate, pummel, injure, humiliate, and stretcher out both opponents with an entire pouch of chewing tobacco tucked laxly in his left cheek, thereby sending a threatening message to upcoming opponents Sting and Lex Luger. For Vicious, to have Hansen do all the heavy lifting before tagging in, doing the only move he is capable of executing effectively (the Power Bomb), picking up the pinfall, and once again letting Hansen take the lead in the delightful post-match beat down.

Jim Ross and Paul E. Dangerously handle the commentating duties. Bonus El Gigante menacing hand motion and indecipherable utterance for those that make it through to the clip's conclusion.

A couple of brief follow-up clips for yr consideration, C-FITS approved, are linked below.

First, a tremendous follow up interview with Stan Hansen conducted by a slender and non dirtball attired Paul E. here.

Secondly, a not quite as tremendous but pretty damn entertaining assault by Sid and his Horsemen cohorts Barry Windham and Arn Anderson that features Double A, in O.R. scrubs and a stethoscope draped around his neck, demonstrating his malicious bedside manner on a hapless jobber here.

Motley Cruz Gets Verbally Bitch Slapped...

...by his adversary and arch nemesis Jumpin' Jeff Farmer who, from what I've been told, doesn't like it when (a) things aren't going his way; and (b) when tables get turned on him the wrong way.



My God, Jumpin' Jeff's stylings, abilities, and creativity on the mic makes Greg Gagne's gift for gab seem like the second coming of Ric Flair. For the announcer/interviewer equivalent of that last statement, replace Jumpin' Jeff with Buddy Lee, Greg Gagne with Larry Nelson, and Ric Flair with Jim Ross.

Think of Jumpin' Jeff as the Rocky Mountain Thunder of promo cutting...

...minus of of course Rocky's trademark gunny sack full of dead hooker appendages.

Harley Race, Bring Back the Bounty!!!

For Ric Flair is pushing me, pushing the Facebuster Nation, and probably pushing you further than we've ever been pushed before. And like you Mr. Race, we don't care who eliminates Flair from professional rasslin' -- Paul Jones and his formidable WHOLE ENTOURAGE OF PEOPLE...Dick Slater...Jack Brisco...um....hmmm....oh, jeez how about....KABUKI even...just as long as (a) it is a living human being, (b) the job gets accomplished in an effective timely fashion, and (c) the death date can be verified and viewed on Flair's tombstone.

So what are you waiting for.

Somebody...anybody...take Harley's damn money already!!!

And I'll throw in an extra $25k of my own money* if you take out this man while yr at it.

*I don't have $25k of my own money.

Yr Old Skool Arena of the Week

Greenville Memorial Auditorium in Greenville, SC, one of the arenas and towns visited by Mid Atlantic Wrestling (Crockett).

Motley Cruz Speaks, We Listen

No, this is not a rib or a parody. It is legit...as far as the antics and escapades of professional rasslin' are concerned.

Thank you You Tube!

Thank you professional rasslin!!

Thank you those no doubt mulleted whiskey tango individuals who thought it was a sensible idea to form IPW!!!

Jeff Farmer, you better watch yr back son.

Friday Night Videos (GAB Edition)

As I'm sure none of you recall, last July Arabian Facebuster proudly presented Great American Bash Fridays, our nostalgic look back at the matches, angles, feuds, personalities, and blood loss that made the National Wrestling Alliance's annual Great American Bash summer tour and pay per view extravaganza during the mid to late 1980s (1985-1989 to be precis...most certainly NOT the subsequent iterations) one of the biggest events in professional rasslin' and the pinnacle of yrs truly Malibu Sands' markishness and fandom.

Much like chocolate and peanut butter, Randy Mulkey and Bill Mulkey, Laverne and Shirley, low level pot dealers and harsh mandatory minimum sentences, Buck Zumhofe and unwanted and gently soiled neck ties, Tony Jaros greenie's and inebriation, Gino Hernandez and cocaine, Ross Perot and James Stockdale, and bacon and everything, Arabian Facebuster has got its own seamless winning combination: Friday Night Videos and Great American Bash Fridays!

That's right: Friday Night Videos and Great American Bash Fridays. Cabin fatties and Jimmy "The Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant. Cheap beer and Shaska Whatley. Drunk driving and Tully Blanchard. Bar fights and Magnum T.A.

Together.

At last.

The result of this fusion: The clip you see here featuring further exploits and developments in the whole Flair vs. The Garvin Bros. quarrel which lead up to the Great American Bash 1987 card in Greensboro that featured Ric Flair defeating "Gorgeous" Jimmy Garvin in a steel cage and winning a dream date with Garvin's valet Precious.

The incidnet in question is of the tag team variety, with Flair and Lex Luger -- with James J. Dillion in their corner -- taking on Jimmy and Ron Garvin -- with Precious in theirs -- in the main event of the NWA's Saturday night flagship program World Championship Wrestling, circa June 1987. While brief in duration, the clip is packed with action : The attempted kidnapping of Precious by J.J. The returning of Precious thanks to the cajoling of "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes and his Communist wingman Nikita Koloff. The awesome purple trunks white boots rasslin' attire combination of one "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. The jettisoning of ugly, ugly looking referee Scrappy McGowan. Flair's futile efforts to propel himself airborne. The rigid and Nestea plunge bumping techniques of The Total Package. And the unofficial pinning of the NWA Champion's shoulder via the Brainbuster suplex.

Enjoy.

And Now a Word from Jeep Swenson...

Pop quiz time, Arabian Facebuster hot shots.

Jeep Swenson:

(a) Sweats an inordinate amount for a guy standing around, talking about engine lubricants.
(b) Hates sludge build-up and deposits more than you.
(c) Genuinely believes that micro-mercenaries are an actual compound in Engine Magic and solely responsible for revitalizing yr car's engine.
(d) Could break that spunky '80s skank in half with his steroid ravaged pecker if he wanted.
(e) Should have his status as The Official Mercenary of Arabian Facebuster revoked at once.

Vote. Comment. Discuss.

Yr Old Skool Arena of the Week

The Cow Palace, San Francisco CA. Home to Roy Shire's "Big Time Wrestling." Some fabulous reflections on this often forgotten and overlooked territory here and here.

Friday Night Videos (Brodymania Edition)

Facebuster Nation: Hopefully you have the requisite case of canned, domestic cold beer, high speed internet connection, the rosiest cheeked, plumpest stomached and widest bottomed of cabin fatty, freezer full of Mr. P's pizza (assorted varieties), and two sugar bowls -- one filled to the brim with cocaine, the other with prophylactics (assorted varieties) -- in order to enjoy another DOUBLE SHOT of Friday Night Videos...this week featuring a slightly more imposing, sinister, ruthless, rugged, credible, and exceptional professional rasslin' artisan compared to the brothers Mulkey...

...Bruiser Brody.

God damn right.

Clip No. 1 features Brody taking on a jobber by the name of El Exotico who appears to be some kind of Spanish in Puerto Rico's World Wrestling Council promotion, circa 1987/88. Brody's trademark volatility, bellowing, and mangy whiskers are on full display here during his brutalization of this jamon n' huevo-er before, during, and after the bell. Further augmenting the multicultural flare is the fact that the commentary is dubbed in Japanese. Enjoy.




Clip No. 2 is culled from the American Wrestling Association in early 1986 and features a wild post match scrum between Brody, his manager Sheik Adnan Al-Kaissie, bland amateur wrestling background babyface sensation Brad Rheingans, dysfunctional Gagne family patriarch Verne, and his prodigal son Rambo. Brody delivers an absolutely SICK looking boot and pile driver to Greg at the :43 and 1:05 mark, respectively, before daddy bum rushes meanders down to the ring to bail his son and Mr. Rheingans out of quite the jam they have gotten themselves into by summoning the dreaded GAGNE FAMILY TEMPER and unleashing a barrage of fists and meekly delivered chair shots.

Hopefully now you can fully appreciate the hurt that Helmut Guttman endured.

A bonus bland, long winded Greg Gagne babyface promo (is there any other kind, really?) follows.



The legendary Bruiser Brody. Greg Gagne getting his ass kicked then cutting a serious and determined promo in a flesh colored sweater. What's not to love about this clip!?!?

As an aside, I attended this card live and in person at the old Saint Paul Civic Center (where the Xcel Energy Center now rests) with Papa Sands and marked out as only a 10 year old could when the mask was ripped off to reveal King Kong Brody (not that it was particularly difficult to surmise it was Brody based upon the height, size, and crazy beard hair protruding underneath, but gimmeee a break, I was only 10!!!).

Check back next week, hopefully even more inebriated and with an even chunkier cabin fatty draped on yr arm entire body, for another installment of Friday Night Videos!

...Ctd

Reborn: November 21, 2009

Died: Hopefully real soon

Deep Thought...

Born: February 25, 1949
Died: March 31, 2008

Yr Old Skool Arena of the Week

The Sportatorium, Dallas, TX. Home to World Class Championship Wrestling every Friday night in the 1970s and 80s. As noted in the Heroes of World Class documentary, the abandoned and burned out, 70+ year old building was finally demolished in 2003. More about this fabled Dallas landmark and hallowed rasslin' institution can be gleamed here.

A Special 4th. of July Tribute to the 4th. Annual AFSC&FC 3/28/2010

Happy 4th!

Show yr patriotism by viewing the Hulkster's greatest contribution to the polity and to our national conversation.

More priceless national uniting towel waving claptrap footage can also be found (featuring the nasally softball questioning and sucking up of Pat "I'm So Fuckin' Hot for You" O'Brien) here.

WANTED: Unskilled Professional Mercenary

Facebuster Nation - I realize that every single one of you are trying to expunge any and all memories of that whole Hulk Hogan and his posse of loud neon, spandex, tassel, and face paint/glitter adorned babyfaces versus Kevin Sullivan and his woefully inept Dungeon of Doom epoch in WCW, circa 1995/1996.

On that stain Hogan's side, you had Savage, Sting, Luger (until he joined forces with the Dungeon), The Booty Man (before he became the Zodiac...or did that incarnation of Ed Leslie come after he was future endeavored by the Dungeon for acute insubordination?!?), and a monster truck of virtue and munificence. On the other, you had Sullivan, long-time Hogan pole smoker and tea bagger Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart, The Big Shew, a roving band of cartoonish characters (i.e. Kamala, Shark, the aforementioned Zodiac/Booty Man), assorted interested parties (aka Ric Flair and Arn Anderson who got roped into this exercise in absurdity for reasons that I can't be bothered and care not to remember), a monster truck of vice and ill-temper, and a series of super villains like The Mummy, Loch Ness, Z Gangsa (Zeus), and The Final/Ultimate Solution.


*This clip is worth sitting through just to hear Eric Bischoff, in his terrible attempt at wrestling announcing and in his hysterical shilling for the following week's Pay Per View Uncensored, utter this line: "Uncensored. One word comes to mind. Un...censored." Fucking genius.

Ah, The Ultimate Solution. Or if you prefer, Jeep Swenson, as he was known in the Dallas based World Class Championship Wrestling promotion. Much like The Warlord, Jeep had a larger than life build, but could really stink up a wrestling ring with his lumbering incompetence. In terms of historical consequence and significance, and comparative equivalency, I would categorize him as a Rocky Mountain Thunder for the black beret and tight camouflaged shirt wearing, right wing militia sympathizing set.

But don't take my word for it. Judge for yrselves simply by viewing the clip below featuring mercenary for hire Jeep, accompanied to the ring by the sinister, overdressed, and eminently quotable Gary Hart, in action against a couple of jobbers named Jeff Raitz and Dusty Wolfe, both of whom look like they know their way around a gay porn set. Devout Christian Mark Lowrance announces the participants and rules of the contest with his trademark lyrical quality while Bill Mercer is assigned the unenviable task of putting over Jeep as competitor to reckon with and getting over his finishing right hand whereby he punches the knuckles on his left hand and the hair of his opponent as the most devastating and debilitating move in the World Class territory...if not in all of professional rasslin'.



I will concede that this match is painful to endure even in spite of its pithy duration. With that said, I could listen to Bill Mercer compare Jeep's taut looking and diffidently delivered offense to sticks of dynamite and sycamore limbs and all day. He has/had such an incredible voice for rasslin'.

Robert "Jeep" Swenson passed away in 1997 due to heart failure. A few more details about the man can be gleamed here.

Friday Night Videos (Mulkeymania Edition)

A few weeks back I promised you the return of Friday Night Videos, Arabian Facebuster's attempt to shine the spotlight on the assorted in-ring finery that professional rasslin' has to offer. And unlike Buck Rock and/or Roll Zumhofe's vow to bring his shiny new title belt, undersized ring, apish daughter, and vertically challenged carousing buddies to Western Wisconsin's finest town festivals, ice cream socials, church picnics, barn dances, and dank taverns cum bait shops over this Fourth of July weekend, Arabian Facebuster actually possesses the capacity to follow through and deliver with our assertions.

And just because I've been slacking off with regard to content here on 'da Facebuster, I'm going to make this a 2 for 1 on Friday Night Videos. And since this weekend is a celebration of America's founding and freedoms, I thought it fitting that we celebrate our greatest contribution to global culture and civilization -- Randy & Bill, The Mulkey Brothers.

Clip 1 features our favorite hapless, pasty, and glaringly out of shape jobber tag team combination doing what they do best, bumping around like lotto balls just before the big Saturday night mega millions drawing and getting squashed in abrupt and convincing order. The suppliers of this onslaught on a 1987 episode of NWA Pro Wrestling: Animal & Hawk, The Road Warriors. I'm sure the uploader of the clip wishes to apologize to you all for the poor sound quality.



Clip 2 also comes from the NWA Pro Wrestling broadcast and features the NWA debut of the jacked to the gills lumbering lug The Warlord. Standing in his way...none other than a purple trunked Mulkey Bro that answers to the name "Randy."Unsurprisingly, other than his impressive and no doubt steroid enabled physique, The Warlord adds nothing of value to this match...it's all Mulkey running from post to post, taking massive, dynamic, MAN SIZED bumps in the process. The tremendous pairing of Bob Caudle and Jim Cornette narrate the action.



That concludes this edition of Friday Night Videos. Fire back one more beer, kick the cabin fatties out, and head off to bed. We'll do it all over again next week.

Steamboat Hospitalized

Disheartening news of the breaking variety via the kinda gay sounding, scoop getting tag team duo otherwise known as Chico Meltz:

Richard Blood aka Ricky Steamboat, 57, suffered a brain aneurysm last night in Tampa and is currently being hospitalized. We don't know any more details other than it has been confirmed by those in WWE and it is not working an angle from Monday. Steamboat was banged up from Monday's angle.

He is currently listed as being in intensive care under 24-hour observation, and it has been reported that an angiogram has revealed bleeding in the brain.