Friday, August 28, 2009

Reason #30 to Despise Hulk Hogan

For touching himself* as he ogles his daughter and her gay best friend splish splashing in the pool.

*Correct me if I'm wrong, but the Hulkster is a righty. I am basing this presumption his tendency to exclusively throw his patented feeble, wobbly looking punches with that hand...in which case, the Hulkster appears to be pleasuring himself here with a technique known as "The Stranger."

BREAKING NEWS: Mysterio Suspended (Again)

Oops, wrong hard-bodied Latino midget.

Ancillary details of this Wellness Policy bitch slap can be gleemed here.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Yr Old Skool Masked Man of the Week

Dusty Rhodes masked yet somehow less chubby alter ego, The Midnight Rider

Monday, August 17, 2009

THIS JUST IN: DON WEST OUT!!!

Looks like its back to writhing on the floors of Studio 6 at Q.V.C. Tee-Vee for the "Most Annoying Man in Sports Entertainment", T-un'A's Don West!

Buh-Bye!

No Jarrett, no Angle, no Don West, soon no Sting... All of a sudden, I feel the need for a 60-plus minute Adrenaline Rush!

Yr Old Skool Masked Men of the Week

The Grapplers (Len Denton and Tony Anthony, who also worked unhooded as gay redneck duo The Dirty White Boys), circa 1983 in Joe Blanchard's Southwest Championship Wrestling territory. Len Denton went on to wrestle as The Grappler in the Dallas and Portland territories.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

SEXY NEWS TEAM NEWS FLASH!!!

From the SEScOOPS.com:

According to a criminal report filed in Pittsburgh today, Kurt Angle has been arrested and is currently in the Allegheny County Jail. There was an altercation at the home of Kurt Angle involving Angle and girlfriend Trenesha Biggers, aka TNA's Rhaka Khan. Biggers went to police and filed a protection from abuse order against Angle, and police came and removed Angle from the home this morning.

At around 8AM, Biggers called police again, stating that Angle was stalking her. She had gone to a Starbucks to use the internet, and told police that Angle had her phone and had been circling the parking lot. She claimed Angle was deleting photos from the phone, which were described as "pictures of abuse".

Angle was questioned by police, under suspicion of DUI, and when they searched the vehicle, they found used syringes and two vials of HGH. Angle claimed that he had a prescription for the medication, and could provide that to police.

The Hogan Family Death Pool...Pool

Greetings Facebuster nation...Malibu Sands here posting under the Pencil Neck Geek moniker...too hung over to log into my own account.

Last night during night three of Arabian Facebuster's staff conferencing and fan conclaving at Chez Geek, the inaugural Hogan Family Death Pool drawing was held...sometime in between our switch from Heineken tall boys to Hamm's tall boys and switch from triple ay-ah featuring Teddy Hart absolutely murdering Jack Evans with an assortment of flippity floppery and the perpetration of clown violence on a balding X-Pac to TNA! featuring Kevin Nash cutting an indifferent 20 minute promo on his dearth of motivation and abundance of cash and some TV-14 close ups of The Beautiful People's surgical enhancements.

Hogan Family Death Pool assignments are as follows:

Pencil Neck Geek=stripper and diamond encrusted grillz accessorizer Brooke;

Apollo Spas=Charlie spooge receptacle and assorted over the counter pills popper Linda;

Rev. Von Fury=skin cancer afflicted and official uniting towel wave ruiner the Hulkster, brother;

Malibu Sands=reckless drifter n' driver and occassional in the poop hole taker Nick.

Gentlemen, let the games begin!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Lucha Libre Comes to PDX...

... and your Sexy Action News Team was there. There being a parking lot of a furniture liquidator in deep SE Portland. Unfortunately, all the Crown Royal and Shasta cola in the world couldn't compensate for the general lack of actual Lucha Libre at the event (only two proper matches). The rest of the time was spent watching some local joes from Portland Wrestling (next appearing at Mattress World in Salem- I'm not kidding) slugging it out until our headliners arrived with the lighting rig (again, not kidding). The lucha action, once it got going, garnered a good response from the crowd (which did include at least one whistling Mexican grandmother) and was generally well executed. The notable exception to this was Psicosis, whose only function in the match seemed to be readjusting the lighting rig on the top turnbuckle every time an Irish whip was executed. Something to tell the grand kids about, for sure.

In the spirit of cutting edge journalism (and my own laziness), I'll allow Apollo Spas' Twitter Account fill you in on the rest of the gory details.






(Yrs truly, momentarily setting aside my grudge with Psicosis for a cheap photo op)

Yr Old Skool Masked Men of the Week

Mr. Wrestling II (Johnny Walker) stands victorious over The Spoiler (presumably Don Jardine).

Friday, August 07, 2009

Buck Zumhoffe: High Strung. Disheveled. Hard Hat Wearer.



I realize that for those buffs and enthusiasts of random Great American Bash Clip Friday, getting through today must feel like the equivalent of a yearlong post postpartum depression. Luckily, Arabian Facebuster has got the prescription for yr post-Bash blues...two of the most highly regarded, beloved, gifted American Wrestling Association personalities -- Larry "Oh Geez Oh Criminy"Nelson and Buck "I Find Shorts Constricting"Zumhoffe standing coked up shoulder to coked up shoulder, close talkin'! And for the proverbial marinara dipping sauce frosting on the ol' cheese curd cake, they are joined by country strong, bland babyface Leon "Baby Bull" White who would of course eventually gain far greater prominence and compensation as Big Van Vader...and later as The Man That They Call Vader.

Enjoy!

Oh, and alternative but ultimately unselected titles for this post include: "Buck Zumhof: Privileged AND Honored..." "Buck Zumhofe: Loves People Standing Behind Him Chanting Rock & Roll..." "Leon White: Submarine. Buck Zumhoff: Torpedo." "AWA Fans: Could Care Less What Leon White Has 2 Say..." and "Buck ZumHofe: Loves to Squeeze Leon White's Burly Chest."

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

The Origins of Michael Hayes' Racism Revealed



Here at Arabian Facebuster, we bear witness to the transformative power of professional rasslin'. Why we've gazed with baffled wonderment at Mike Adamle's evolution from competent if undistinguished sportscaster and American Gladiators inquisitor to incompetent bumbling doofus, #1 Jest Harvey fan, and the trigger for yours truly Malibu Sands to get hallucinatorily drunk on Riunite whilst methodically bashing my testicles with a ball pein hammer. We've watched Randy Orton progress from the toilet bowl to the gym bag as his preferred vessel for bowel evacuation. We've seen da Facebuster's prodigal degenerate Larry Nelson go from tuxedo clad, stinking drunk, and high on cocaine to plain ol' stinking drunk. And we've marveled at Sean "X-Pac" Waltman as he's regressed from dynamic and innovative light heavyweight to an unmotivated, substance abusing Bronco Bustering vortex of suck, crotch chops, and apathetically and languorously delivered cunnilingus on genitalia akin to lamb's tongue in terms of its texture and odor.

Take current Smackdown! head writer, one time Doc Hendrix, and longtime Fabulous Freebird Michael P.S. Hayes as yet another case in point. At one time, Hayes was a crowd heat getting machine, plausible in-ring performer, southern redneck shit-kickin' posse mouthpiece, and self-professed hottie seduction magnet with a head full of long (if a bit coarse and stringy) dirty blond locks. Fast forward to 2008/2009, the heat generating, babyface instigating, grappling, posse ringleading, and non-fat chick seducing abilities and opportunities have vanished; what remains are some pretty haggard and mangy looking follicles and an identity/difference orientation that occupies the space between callous insensitivity and seething contempt towards those of darker complexion.

What then are the origins of Hayes' giddiness to drop epithets (or as linguistic anthropologists refer to them as , N-Bombs) within earshot of the likes of Mark "Worst 1o Year Contract Signing Ever" Henry and Bobby "Guy" Lashley...WWE superstars that for as much as they suck the proverbial hairy, misshapen, shriveled, discolored, lopsided, communicably diseased ball sack in the ring could most certainly reign down a flurry of legitimately injurious and disfiguring blows when affronted?

Growing up in a bigoted household and within a broader context of institutionalized racial segregation in the 1960s American Deep South?

Misappropriated resentment to the redlining of Bad Street USA?

An incongruent critique to the call by many in the African American community for reparations?

Leave it to Arabian Facebuster's Sexy Action I-Team to uncover and reveal to you all the TRUTH! While having nothing to do with a particularly cantankerous interaction with mush mouthed hip and/or hopper and flip and/or flopper Ron Killings, Michael Hayes' prejudiced outbursts can be traced to the humiliating rejection he suffered literally at the hands of a beautiful, confident African American woman - Dark Journey, who in my humble yet learned opinion was the best looking of all of the 1980s valets. This quarrel emanates from Bill Watts' hoss-centric Universal Wrestling Federation, circa 1986.

So what are you waiting for, go ahead and take a gander at the clip above and see the genesis of this man's crude intolerance firsthand!!!

On, second thought, it could have been from wearing Confederate flag trunks, sequined robes, and face paint over the course of three decades...

Nah!

Yr Old Skool Masked Man of the Week

The Intelligent, Sensational Destroyer (Dick Beyer)