Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Plot, She Thickens...

It is true, dear little ones, that this virtual plot of internet holy ground a'tween the heathen boughs and brambly branches that is the wilderness of interconnecting tubes and soulless wires known only as "The Internets", can and often does provide credible insights and time tested analysis on newsworthy or historical items of pro-wrestling merit rather than obsess over the seemingly endless antics of a certain displaced Hill-Billy family made up entirely of withered dirgibles of orange bloat be-topped with peroxided vulture nests and spray-on beards...

But one can't complain wheneth a bounty hath been layethed at our feets. Which is why the very Sexy Action News Brief splashed in the last post by the sexy and action-oriented muck-raker Malibu Sands got me a thinkin'...

No, not about how Brooke's new album cover art comes from a jail-house sketch her brother composed on a wad of half-used toilet paper, brushed in an ink made from the cafeteria's boiled beets and Nick's very own tears, but about the time during last month's Mid-West and Rocky Mountains Regions' 2nd. & 1/2 Annual Arabian FaceBuster Fan Conclave and Partial Editor's Conference when the beloved assembled there engaged in a rousing, and if hazed and be-Furioused memory serves, prolonged and engaged session in which we tried to guess/remember/blurt-out the proper name of one 19-year old Linda Hogan boy-toy, with the winnner/rememberer immediately to be hustled up the stratospheric stairs of stately Malibu Manner and hastily situated infront of an awaiting "10ft. Challenge".

Charlie! Her 19yr. old boy-toy that likes to drive around Hulk's Hummers is called Charlie! Yes, you remember, but it sadly is no longer the 2.5 A.A.F.B.F.C.&P.E.C. and you are shit therefore out of luck. No 10ft. Challenge for you. You should have been there. Tough.

Anywhoo, Charlie it seems, is bound for big things:
(from Linda's rep.@ Global PR Inc. via email to straight hating queer-monger Perez Hilton)

As for Charlie, he is an accomplished Spring board diver (4th in the Nationals), eagle scout and certified captain in commercial boating with his bigger goal of joining the fire department.

A Spring Board Diver! 4th. in the Nationals!! Boing-Boing!!! Eagle Scout! I'm sure Linda can attest faithfully to his Knot-Tying and Pledge-Recitin' Skills! Enough of Charlie's illustrious past, it seems that folks over there at
Global PR Inc. think that Linda Hogan's barely legal bit o' cougar-bait can...wait for it.....SING!!!!

And Charlie's gonna do it too, even if it means putting aside his
paramedic/ firefighting career path to do it, he will cut an album... All because that stupid slut and Hulkster-with a weave- Brooke won't zip her baggie rapper pants unzippering lips! Break it down Global PR Inc.:

If Brooke continues to spew lies on behalf of her father's lame attempt to distance himself from the reality that he is no different from the homicidal OJ Simpson, (OJ!? OH ZING!!) Charlie will be forced to put aside his paramedic/firefighting career path and release an album called "Redemption" which will easily surpass any of Brooke's records sales.

Hmmm. Redemption? Redemption.....sounds vaguely familiar... almost like something I saw that had something to do with Sexy Action, and News..... Ah-HA! No, wait. Does this really mean that Charlie is going to also call his so-called album "Redemption", almost but not quite like how Brooke is calling her so-called album "The Redemption"?

I don't understand this at all. These people are beyond redemption. Brooke Hogan could drop a giant Cleveland Steamer on Hulk Hogan's rapidly withering orange tinted chest and I still don't think she would have even blown out the birthday candles of redemption for this little number:

Friday, May 29, 2009

Brooke Hogan: Same Old Shit, Different Song Titles

Facebuster nation, I have a sneaking suspicion that my Sexy Action News Team credentials would be revoked lest I did not at least note in passing that the cover of Brooke Hogan's new album The Redemption was revealed this week.

From my understanding, the album's (and by album I mean collection of overly produced, repetitive, predictable, derivative songs written not by Brooke, but for Brooke on topics of import such as 22" rims, diamond encrusted grillz, jumbo sized silicon implants, thuggin' it on South Beach, hustlin' for the benjamins in da hoods of suburban Tampa Bay, DRAMA!!!, BOYZ!!!!, and playahata's [I'm still awaiting confirmation if Arabian Facebuster is the subject of a hidden bonus diss track]) title was a compromise after weeks 17 minutes of intensive contestation between the record executives with Brooke and her OJ Simpson level of violence minus the white 86 Ford Bronco, carefully polished Bruno Mali's, or any pretense of innocence or remorse pledging father.

I have a obtained a leaked, classified document from an anonymous record industry low-life which lists some of the alternative album titles that were scrapped. Based solely on the title was ultimately selected, I suspect it was the Hogan family that prevailed in this dispute.

Brooke Hogan: Airbrushed Cherubic Clown Whore;
Brooke Hogan: Now with 50% Less Ogleable Genitalia;
Brooke Hogan: Has A Signature That Appears Easier to Forge Than it Actually is;
Brooke Hogan: What the Hulkster Wishes His Daughter Looked Like;
Brooke Hogan: Yr Scrotum is Showing;
Brooke Hogan: Toned Body, Neglected Head;
Brooke Hogan: Big Fan of Mystical Unicorn Art.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Yr Buck Wild Foto of the Week

Buck "Rock & Roll" Zumhoffe launches an aerial assault against his opponent whilst a gaggle of bar patrons look on disinterestedly.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Reflections on WGN WWE Superstars: "Tommy Dreamer is DEAD..."

... or more likely Tommy Dreamer is now one of the UN-DEAD, as evidenced tonight by the unfortunate shuffling his corpse is doing in its title match against Christian for the ECW belt (Now! with 167% more bird!!).

Your Hnrble. Rev. feeleth good, Superstars good... After one entire beer be-guzzled & braut debauched week of Fan Conclaving and Editorial Archive VHS Video Conferencing deep in the shuttered depths that is Malibu Sands' Minneapolis/ St. Paul Minnesota ManCave, I have finally emerged re-born (ie: no longer hungover) and bathed in the a rightous light (ie: finally took a shower) to proclaim: The 2nd & 1/2 Annual Arabian FaceBuster Mid-Western and Rocky Mountain States' Fan Conclave and Partial-Editors Conference an "El Gigante-Huge"- Huge Success!!!

So successful was the A.A.F.B.F.C.&E.C. ver.2.5 that I'm feelin' sassy! Sassier than sitting across from a kicked Blackie Carmine with a hand-full of dollar bills!! So sassy in fact I think I'll watch an entire episode of this week's brand-new edition of WGN WWE Superstars!!!

3 matches: one hour, no backstage shenanigans, no diva whimsy, no McMahons.... this might just work... its a Thursday night at 6pm, its time for Supah-Stahhhs!!!

Back to the Action! Seriously, TDream is moving like he's got rocks in his socks, X'tian not so much better. Who or What is this?!?! Jack SWAGGAAR... and he's WALKIN'
Anywho, its a "No Contest" even though Christian is the one who collared Swagger over the top rope and into the ring, thus precipitating the "ding-ding-ding" and the retention of his title... but NO! Zombie Dreamer is ALIVE! and it wants that birdy belty-belty so it grabs its like its it who won it and now the corpse is in a tug-a-war with Christian over the belt!

Seriously, would Tommy Dreamer after all his years, well all his years sans bamboo caning to tha' 'noggin, really think a title would change hands with a ruling of "No Contest"?? Not unless he was a Zombie. Or Dead.

Think about it.

Koffi Kinston-mon vs. The Man's Man Bill Regal

Koffi should have won the Money in the Bank. W.dubuyou.Eee could have made him the first black man ever to win the briefcase, cash it in for his championship shot, and lose.

Punchy Hurty vs. Flippy Kicky: Works well as Regal fears not the flippity floppity floo of the Ghana-born Jamacan native. Koffi crisp as hell as Lawler comments on his smile, here's hoping he never loses it! King says something to the fact that Koffi always looks happy... Well, don't they all?

Decent match. Regal more than willing to make Koffi look good, seeking good contact for every spot. Better than what either of 'em usually get to do on RAW, probably 'cause they got more time to do it. Koffi in, uh, like 8.5 minutes maybe.


- Jericho is blaming the media for a vast Conspiracy Theory that is being used to keep him down. Nice.

- "athletcally arrogant" JR on Y2J.

- I hate the Go To Sleep. And the Go To Bed.

Punk wins with an inside cradle counter roll up off an attempted Walls of Jericho YJT used after he countered a GTS attempt with a roll up into said Walls.

Nice. Nice.

Each match longer than the usual outing. A better spotlight on some upper-mid, lower top-card action, amazingly none of the usual PPV/ RAW/ SmackDown recap/ promo/ highlight/ recap/ promo/ rinse/ wash/ promo filler, and not a trace of Santino or the other Divas.

All in all, an hour could be worst spent, such as the one your dearest Rev. and Mousier Malibu unfortunately endured this past week late one night during one of the many Editorial Archive VHS Video Conferences watching the proverbial gild come off the lilly that used to be the greatness that I previously though was Cactus Jack vs. Triple H in Madison Square Garden at the 2000 Royal Rumble (check @ 1:12 to see the real bat get spirited away under the spanish announce table and again @ 1:55 to see C.Jack retrieve the new "barbed wire" bat out and finally unleash it to "devastating" effect on H's ambitiously bladed, frmr. hermaphrodite and presently bosses-daughter fucking candy ass).

Superstars. Me Likey.

the rev.

The Return for The Return!?

Oh my! In addition to X-Pac vs. Jerry Lynn meeting for the first time in probably fifteen or so years in the Twin Cities metropolitan area, Cody O'Neil wrestles his final match ever (yeah, I bet) against longtime rival Arik Cannon, Double U See U Double U quasi diva and current whimsical goth TNA Knockout Daffney flaunts her surgically enhanced floppers, and plunder waylaying sensation Danny Havoc shows up to hit some guys with a cookie sheet, trash can lid, and unloaded staple gun and collect 3% of the gate.

Folks, we're talking gross, not net!

Gentlemen and random cabin fatty Facebuster groupies, might this not warrant a reconvening of our 2nd and 1/2 annual Facebuster Conference/Conclave!? On second thought, probably not, seeing as that the 3rd annual, Portland based gathering of the superstars of Arabian Facebuster is right around the corner...

Details soon.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Yr Buck Wild Foto of the Week

Buck "Rock and Roll" Zumhoffe applies a side headlock in a match that may or may not have taken place in the basement of Malibu Manor during the Surly Furious, Town Hall IPA growlers, 'Bou juice, and sweet sweet kang fueled 2nd and 1/2 Annual Arabian Facebuster Staff Conference and Fan Conclave.

If anybody's got a spare liver laying around, let me know.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

"The Journey Begins..."

From its tamper-evident, hermetically sealed sanctuary of the Rev. von Fury's humble sock drawer high in the mountains of Idaho, "The Prize" begins its epic cross-country sojurn across this great Nation of ours to the bustling metropolis known as Minneapolis/ St. Paul and into the hands of one Malibu Sands....

Now This is How U Declare War

Where was this clip of Jimmy Valiant doing his best Colonel Kurtz impression when Arabian Facebuster was immersed in its long, hard slog against World Wrestling Entrainment and Total Nonstop Action for perpetrating sportz entertainment atrocities against the fans of professional rasslin'?

Gentlemen, not unlike our country's initial blitzkrieg then quagmire in Iraq, we might need to once again declare some war against WWE; with the justification this time being its incessant pushing of lugs "The Animal" Batista and The Big Shew in the main event and semi-main event long as we wait until after the 2nd and 1/2 annual Arabian Facebuster Staff Conference and Fan Conclave to launch our opening salvo.

Waging war's a bitch when yr in a state of perpetual drunkenness.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Yr Buck Wild Foto of the Week

Buck "Rock and Roll" Zumhofe is headed to the ring(?) in what appears to be the receiving dock of pet food outlet center somewhere in rural Minnesota or western Wisconsin.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Jimmy Valiant Fears Stasis

Facebustermaniacs, it's been far too long since yr go to interwebs site for unapologetic Hulk Hogan and family exploits chastisement, Larry Nelson drinking problem admiration, Rocky Mountain Thunder whereabouts and gunny sack contents speculation, Randy Orton fecal matter in gym bag references, Teddy Hart documentary worship, Chyna and X-Pac erogenous zone descriptions, piss poor WrestleMania predictions, intoxicated live PPV coverage by members of our Sexy Action News Team, and Macho Man Randy Savage tasseled ring attire procurement has featured some -- with apologies to Buck Zumhoff -- good ol' fashion rock n' roll in our content.

That is until now...well not now as is now; but now as in whenever you get around to hitting play on and giving yr undivided attention to the clip above.

In the spirit of Bill Dundee, The Rock and/or Roll Express, the Wrestle Rock Rumble, and the flaming queens in the New Generation, Arabian Facebuster is proud to present another classic rasslin' video featuring the exploits of Jimmy "Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant in Memphis and the Carolinas, circa 1984. For the sake of posterity, these exploits would include goofy face makin', headbangin', hand clappin', dancin', watchin' airplanes take off and land at several points of observation, prostitute solicitin', clubberin' the likes of The Assassins (the rotund, masked gentlemen in the yellow & black bodysuits) and Ken Patera with an arsenal of meekly delivered forearms, punches, and elbow smashes...and of course boogie-woogin'!

Whatever the fuck that is.

Reason #117 to Despise Hulk Hogan...

...For demonstrating a full range of movement, motion, and head contortions while trying to sell a serious neck injury during this hackneyed, unintentionally hilarious, monster truck showdown promoting, PastaMania! not yet insolvent era babyface promo on The (big, no good, nasty, stinky, and allegedly wart infested) Giant, (pint sized, fragrant, clear skinned) Kevin Sullivan, and their inept eradication of Hulkamania aspiring enterprise otherwise known as the Dungeon of Doom (or as the Hulkster likes to refer to them as, the Dungeon of Goons, brother!).

To the Hulkster's *shudder* credit, however, he has provided me with the perfect retort for anytime anyone questions my whereabouts or second guesses my actions or decisions: "Well you know [insert name of person forced to endure my demented ramblings], they thought we were dead but we're not even down and out, brother!"

Point: Malibu!

Ditto to employing the whole "64, 65 neck lifts" shtick when a non-cabin fatty saunters on by when I'm feebly attempting do crunches at the gym. Or when I'm doing Riunite shots during next week's 2nd and 1/2 Annual Arabian Facebuster Staff Conference and Fan Conclave.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Brooke Hogan: Aging Horribly

Ye-gads!!! This is a photo of a haggard, melanoma skinned, stupefied Brooke Hogan at her 21st birthday party earlier this week at Caesars Palace, Las Vegas.

Through the wonders of Arabian Facebuster's cutting edge aging simulation technology, here is what we project Brooke Hogan will look like at 22, 30, 40, 50, and finally 65 years old.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

If These Trunks Could Talk...

Whoa- look at all this Randy Savage ring gear for sale on eBay! Perhaps even the former "Macho King" is not impervious to the impact of these troubled economic times. One day you're enjoying a spirited round of croquet with Robin Leach on your expansive estate, the next pandering to pathetic collectors hoping that they will plunk down their hard earned dough for one of your neon checkered cowboy hats.

Well, this pathetic collector wants a piece of the action! What do you say fellows, shall we chip in on this stunning ensemble? While we might not be able to afford it individually, this vision of tasselled glory is well within our collective grasp. Malibu Sands can have custody this spring in order to welcome the throngs of eager attendees to the 2 and 1/2 Annual Arabian Facebuster Staff Conference and Fan Conclave in lovely St. Paul, MN. This summer, the elite of Sun Valley will be abuzz as the Reverend Von Fury gallivants about town in Savage's stunning attire. As for the fall and winter, Apollo Spas and I will have to share custody in Portland: I'll take Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and alternating Sundays. Inquiries from any other prospective shareholders are welcomed.

Look, I understand that times are tight. I don't expect anyone to make any unreasonable sacrifices (i.e. beer) to make this dream a reality. Taking a cue from the Savage's Macho Enterprises, we can profit from our own ever-burgeoning Internet celebrity with a little sidewalk sale of our own. I'll go first:

This historic pair of khaki Dockers features a worn back pocket, authentic pastor burrito grease spots, and is autographed by yours truly.

The bidding begins at $25 dollars, but I am willing to accept Hamm's tall boys in trade. Dig it!!!

Monday, May 04, 2009

Yr Buck Wild Foto of the Week

This month, Arabian Facebuster is proud to pay tribute to Buck "Rock and Roll" Zumhofe by way of a penetrating, riveting, bewildering, and at times deeply disturbing photographic expose.

Before we delve further into the mire that are Buck's more recent wrestling related shenanigans and in order to put the next month's worth of homage paying, gentle mocking, and beleaguered readership into some context, let's kick this off with a look at the "Rock and Roller" in early-to-mid 1980s.