Friday, September 18, 2009

How Malibu Got His Groove Back

It has been a truly harrowing and disillusioning week for yrs truly Malibu Sands. First, the local booze mart jacked up the price of my beloved Heineken tall boy cans from $5.59 to $7.99 per four pack of self-confidence and temporal loss of inhibition lubrication. Simply outrageous. It doesn't take a mathematician to calculate that's over a 40% cost increase (Full disclosure: I contacted a mathematician to perform the above computation). Then my estranged, sham fiancee informs that she wants out of our "Operation procure a plethora of monogrammed bed sheets and bath towels and second-rate kitchen utensils, dishes, and assorted gadgetry from friends and family" arrangement. And here's the kicker: I chipped my tooth on the chewing gum included in my package of WWF WrestleMania III trading cards that I ordered and received from the Wonderleague shoppe zone. Serves me right for chomping down on a10,000 year old stick of corn syrup and synthetic rubber amalgamated deliciousness...if the carbon dating tests I performed in my recently constructed upstairs laboratory slash crime lab for exonerating and restoring the unjustly sullied reputation of convicted perp Rocky Peoples are to be believed.

Unfortunately, this week's happenings and doings on the rasslin' and sportz entrainment fronts were equally dispiriting. Jim Cornette fired from TNA! as part of their purge any and all of those with ties to Jeff Jarrett meme. The temporary release or out and out sacking (depending which online dirt sheet you read) of TNA! Knockouts champion and ringleader of The Beautiful People -- in this writer's wholly disinterested in and infrequent tuner in to TNA!'s manically paced, asininely booked brand of whimsical and confusing-sportz entertainment opinion, the most compelling and consistently watchable faction in the promotion -- Angelina Love due to an expired work visa. Linda McMahon relinquishing her CEO duties, namely overseeing the continued creative bankruptcy of the promotion her father-n-law built from the ground up, in order to make a run at Christopher Dodd's U.S. Senate seat, potentially putting her contemptible husband within an arm's reach of actual political and lawmaking power. And Ric Flair electing to *gasp* come out of retirement and join Hulk Hogan's upstart rassle venture on a tour of Australia, along with the usual gaggle of Hogan parasites, lickspittles, stains, and yes men.

Taken in whole, it makes me want to lay my head on a tiny Hulk Hogan pillow and cry.

Time for me to quell these feelings of vexation and despondence at once...and not with a hilarious photo of a well past his prime Buck "Rock and/or Roll" Zumhofe wearing a fucking white Elvis suit in the ring. But if not that, then how!?. Simple, with a vintage mid 1990s WCW clip featuring the antics of the Dungeon of Doom, a stable so miserable in its rasslin' competence, non-threatening in its smoke machine and black light witchcraftery, unserious in its approach towards occultishness, and ineffectual in its perpetration of maliciousness that it makes the aforementioned gaggle of Hogan bloodsuckers compare favorably with the Dangerous Alliance.

In this installment, original vanilla midget Kevin Sullivan's "father" The Wizard introduces by way of lyrical and seemingly breathless shouting the Dungeon's latest and undoubtedly most diabolical cartoonish mercenary yet in its quest to destroy Hulkamania, The Shark (played by the late, not so great John Tenta aka Earthquake aka Avalanche aka Golga). Kevin Sullivan provides some well-timed ominous chortling that adds a superfluity of levity to the proceedings.

Ahhh, I feel much so much better.


Pencil Neck Geek said...

Fear not Malibu- I'm sure you'll find another sham fiance in no time. I hope you don't feel any obligation to return that spatula set I got you to Crate and Barrel.

You may also want to keep this Dungeon of Doom/Loch Ness clip handy for the next time the world gets you down:

Malibu $and$ said...

RE: that Loch Ness clip. There is no way that Loch Ness could have gotten after Hulk Hogan even if didn't have a motley gang of talentless heels holding him back...there is no way, no how he was going to fit through that cage door, unless The Mouth of the South had a tub of Country Crock to grease him through.

And on behalf of my estranged sham fiancee, thanks to you and Mrs. PNG for the spatula set. They will come in handy for scraping me off the floor after a night of excessive tall boys consumption. A thank you card has also been dropped in the mail.

- Bunny Bissoux - said...

Well that video cheered me up for the week at least, i've already begun wringing out my tear stained miniature Ultimate Warrior satin pillow ready for next week.

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

On a positive note you are now free to court the fine female Hogan of your choice, I know its tough picking between the leathery face of Linda and the identical leathery face of her daughter but remember one has a taste for younger men, one has pole dancing skills, both have had their crotch's touched by the hulkster. adieu.

DISCLAIMER: Wonderleague Holdings INC is void of all responsibility relating to expired gum consumption injury and / or fatality. gum inflicted problems are predicted and could have been easily avoided by studying our hard to find "FAQ" section of our store. Should you require full cosmetic dentistry and choose to have your teeth restyled to mimic the oral features of former WWE superstar and some time ludicrous beard braider Mr. Gene Snitksy, Wonderleague will contribute the generous sum of £0.45 GBP to your cause.

Pencil Neck Geek said...

I'm good for $5 towards your new Snitsky grill!

Malibu $and$ said...

Personally, I think Wonderleague Holdings INC should merge with Tully Blanchard Enterprises Incorporated at once.

Imagine the number of miniature stain Ultimate Warrior pillows that could be sold through a new and improved shoppe zone platform powered by TBE, Inc's infrastructure and architecture!!!

That would be 7, by my count.

Malibu $and$ said...

Oh, and thanks everyone for yr The Monster That They Call Snitsky grillz donations.

All my life I've yearned for some discolored chompers...

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