Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Yr Belated Road to WrestleMania Foto of the Week

Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker. WrestleMania XXVI. University of Phoenix Stadium. Phoenix, AZ. March 28, 2010.

This One is for the Ladies, or "Woooooooooo!!!" for All That You Do

Just wanted to give a special Bottom Line, bottom line "Hell Yeah" shout-out for all the incredible lady friends of the FaceBuster who made this year's WrestleMania XXVI death-march such a special event for us double X[EDIT: XY-whoops-], mouth-breathing, beer guzzling, elbow dropping (careful not to scratch the hardwoods) Greenie-gulping cretins.

None of it would have been possible, nor even probable without the sweet sweet feminine mystique provided to us by the likes of the double baby buggy juggling of Mrs. Geek and the Mrs. Geek's Mutha, the hamburger grubbin' and Randy Orton Lovin' provided by the most Vixie of all Viscosinators, MJ; whose elegantly appointed home was invaded by us knuckle-dragging barbarians and converted, if only for a short, sweet sweet while, into the mobile Malibu Manner (remind me to base my picks on the unerringly-accurate libido of Miss Viscosinator for any future Mania gambling degeneracy) and of course, the immaculate and incomparable Miss Bunny Bissoux for bringing it all down to the now quintessential WrestleMania experience of "Pass the Package".

No, no. Not the passing of the Total Package of the heineously well-endowed Mister Malibu Sands, but the elegantly bedecked and phenomenally packaged prizes of her own devices that truly set the stage for the biggest stage of them all. Cheers to you, Miss Bissoux for all that you do, you truly are a god among men. Thank you for your awesome presents from across the Pond, we Yanks could only hope for such majesty such as yours to set upon our be-blighted shores!

Now for the bad news, for it is true, Miss Bissoux, that you did lose!!! The WHEEL OF HOGAN! hath spoken and its Hulk Hogan Themed attire for you, times two!! I would only humbly suggest we make a special rider (not of the Zack variety) clause that states thus: With talents such as yours, might I request that you, the fair loser of our be-blighted Stakes Is High test of picks be allowed this wee teeny tiny little twist? I humbly propose, that shall you fail to find the appropriately tailored Red and Yellow acoutramon', that you be allowed to, if you so choose, to craft said Hulkamania Garb by your own dainty and insanely talented hand?

In other words, if you can't find any good Hogan shit to wear, you can make your own damn shit. Doubtless it will be without peer, and far, far, superior in flair (of the Ric varietal) and construction than what could possibly be found officially licensed and approved by those wibbley-wobbly knees at the WWE.

Thank you Ladies of Wrestlemania. Thank You. If, only if, all the Ladies could be as cool as you... Thank You.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Stakes Is High...The Stakes

Hogan wheel spinning commences in 10 minutes. Here are the stakes:
1. Indecent Exposure -- Procure a Hulk Hogan item of clothing (tee-shirt, hat, bandanna, etc). Wear it out in public. Twice. Take a picture of you wearing it out in public, twice. Post both pictures.

2. Hulk Hogan Film Festival: Thunder In Paradise (the movies, not the tv show). Pick one of the three to watch and recap.

3. Hulk Hogan Film Festival, Part Deux: Suburban Commando, Three Ninjas, No Holds Barred, Mr. Nanny, Secret Agent Club. Pick two of the five to watch and recap.

4. Father-Daughter Window Downer: Procure Hulk Hogan & the Wrestling Boot Band CD AND any Brooke Hogan full-length album. Play both albums loudly with your car or house window opened wide. Oh, and we need a music review too.

5. What Happened in Vegas Shoulda Stayed There: Wrestle Mania IX, Hogan "wrestles" twice with a whole lotta garbage in between. Watch it all and review it all.

6. Read It 'n Weep: Buy, read, and review Hulk Hogan's other book, "My Life Outside the Ring."

7. Teenie Tiny Hogan Pillow aka Hulk Hogan Slumber Party: For one night, you must sleep exclusively and solely on the tiny Hulk Hogan pillow. Post a picture of discomfort.

8.Hogan Knows Best? Rent/buy, view in its entirety (including all of the bonus materials), and recap any season of Hogan Knows Best (or Brooke Knows Best).

Game on.

About Last Night

Ugh. My head. My haaarrrttt.

Monday, March 22, 2010

The Picks...

Rumor has it that tonight's RAW IS WAR will have everybody's favorite 'Jumpin' Jamaican Kofi Kingston vs. everyone's least favorite (roid) 'Ragin' Russian Vladamir Koslov in the final Money in the Bank qualifying match. I don't know about you all, but I simply loves it when WWE plays the race/ethnic sterotype card! It's like the 80's all over again, Mad Russian vs. The Happy Black Man, an instant classic fo' sho'!

Anywhoose, it looks like we might then have our final card for the WHEEL of HOGAN!, err, I mean for WRESTLEMANIA XXVI!!! Assuming we don't have any "hot" diva action shoehorned into the card like Mickey James' tum-a-tum-tumm into her too-tight jeans, this should be what we are in store for:

The Miz(c) & The Big Show(c) vs.
R-Truth & John Morrison

MVP vs. Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kane vs. Drew McIntire vs. Matt Hardy vs. Dirk Diggler vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Christian vs. Kofi Kingston/ [EDIT: NOT Vladimir Koslov]

CM Punk vs Rey Mysterio

Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase Jr. vs. Cody Rhodes

Shemus vs. Triple H

Mr. McMahon vs. Bret "The Hitman Hart"

The John Cena vs. The Batista(c)

Chris Jericho(c) vs Edge

"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels vs. The "Phenom" The Undertaker

Pick Away! Just remember The Stakes... they is High!!

Reason #1 to Despise Hulk Hogan...Tape 2, Side B

The saga of pathological lying that is Hollywood Hulk Hogan (the audio version) has mercifully reached its predictable conclusion. Tape 2, side B brings us up to the present (well 2002, but the present in terms of when this project was slapped together) as the Hulkster yammers about the downfall of WCW, his disdain for Vince Russo, and his return to WWE as a member of the NWO faction, culminating in his WrestleMania match with The Rock and face turn.

Hogan recites these passages with all of the effortlessness, sincerity, and tender emotion of a porno casting call for the role of pizza delivery boy. Thankfully, this side of the cassette was abridged in duration and rather lean in terms of salacious falsehoods and transparent and unabashed hypocrisy, hence the truncated nature of this recap. Worry not, for Hogan’s trademark self-absorption and self-centeredness are in full and rare form.

Let’s get this wretchedness over and done with:

Cheers: To Vince Russo for trying his hardest to break the Hulkster’s spirit and send him out to pasture during the post-boom period/waning days of WCW.

Jeers: (1) To Vince Russo for failing in his ambition to destroy Hulkamania, for pretty much every other edict he made during his tenure as booker at WCW, for running WCW out of business, for leaving the WWE with no serious competition to keep their creative feet to the fire and contributing to the malaise of their product and fan base, and for giving TNA! a blueprint by which to disappoint and screw over its viewership on a weekly basis; (2) To whoever decided to close the tape the way it opened – with the blaring of “American Made,” a song so atrocious it makes me long for the extended club remix of “I Wanna Be a Hulkamaniac (Have Fun with my Family and Friends).

Choicest Quote: (Although I strongly suspect this particular passage was ghostwritten based upon the syntax and inferences) The Hulkster takes umbrage with Vince Russo’s Bash at the Beach in-ring shoot in which Russo called the Hulkster “A politician, which suggested that I would take covert and undue advantage of opportunities to manipulate my fellow wrestlers.” You got the wrong guy, brother!

You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me: (1) In passing, he refers to The Rock as a “kid” on a couple of occasions; (2) Hogan takes credit for The Scorpion King not bombing at the box office because he was able to get the fans to cheer The Rock (or at least to stop booing and chanting “Rocky sucks”) during their WrestleMania match.

Curious: Hogan laments not beating Vince to punch and buying the WCW and the rights to its tape library so he could have “sat home in my office, watched those tapes all day, and made millions of dollars.” I fail to see how the Hulkster watching tapes of Hugh Morrus battling Bobby Blaze, High Voltage (Robbie Rage and Kenny Kaos) teaming up against Disorderly Conduct (Mean Mike and Tough Tom), Sgt. Craig “Pitt Bull” Pittman squaring off with The Gambler, or Scott Norton laying a clubbering on the whimsical Shark Boy on the ol’ WCW Saturday Night mothership would allow him, let alone anybody, to make millions of dollars.

Shameless: The Hulkster treats his late father as nothing more than a rhetorical device/plot advancement tool, recounting how on his death bed, his father encouraged him to go back to the WWE to avenge Vince Russo, fix wrestling, and become the Hulkster that he used to be.

Captain Obvious, Meet First Lieutenant Formulaic Happy Ending: After the Hulkster and The Rock created the greatest Wrestle Mania moment ever for the WWE Universe, Hogan concludes that he still has it and that he can still bring it/do it better than anybody else in the squared circle. He also notes that he is content with his legacy and could walk away from wrestling at any time and be at ease with it (tell that to the TNA! fans and locker room), but he still driven. Not by the quality of his in-ring output, making his opponent look good, helping out the younger generation of grapplers, or strengthening the future of the company mind you, but by seeing if he can get a little bigger pop/reaction. Egomania personified.

Yr Road to WrestleMania Foto of the Week

Owen locks in the sharpshooter (the move that he invented) on older brother Bret at WrestleMania X. Madison Square Garden, New York, NY. March 20, 1994.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Jimmy Valiant Solicits a Hooker

Tonight, on a VERY SPECIAL EDITION of Friday Night Videos, Arabian Facebuster is proud to present Jimmy “The Boogie Woogie Man” Valiant doing what he does best: (1) Not wrestling (thank God); (2) Playing the harmonica; and (3) Sitting over a sewer grate cutting promos of a resigned and forlorn tone against his arch nemesis Paul Jones.

You see the Boogie Woogie Man is down in the dumps and has nothing left to live for. Those rotund masked roustabouts The Assassins snipped off a couple of hairs on his chinny chin chin. So he’s ready to put it all on the line against Paul Jones and The Assasi...wait a second, is that a white Cadillac stretch limo...what the, the chauffeur just hopped out and opened up the door for Boogie Woogie Man…wait, he’s climbing in…whoa, did that prostitute just finish turning a trick in that alley…she’s WALKIN’!...what on earth, she’s getting in the limo with the Boogie Woogie Man…I think he just solicited a prostitute and paid to give her the ol’ Boogie Man Jam…aw, nasty!!!

Down in the dumps my ass. Here at da Facebuster, we call that refined living.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Stakes...

Unlike Years Past, 2010 finds us with nary a ball-bustingly bad boobie prize for our Annual Arabian FaceBuster "Stakes Is High" high-stakes WrestleMania XXVI Prognostication Gambling Pool.

Of course year-one of this hallowed tradition found Apollo Spas settling in comfortably on the can for the literary dirge known as "If They Only Knew" (an appropriate title as any when one ponders the gender identity ambiguity of its author, former ROTC Candidate, "Celebrity Rehab" Alum and "The Surreal Life" superstar Joanie Lawler aka Chyna aka Sean Waltman's Spooge Bucket).

The reportage of which was followed, appropriately enough, by The Pencil Necked One's viewing of the aforementioned Spooge-Bucketing by none other than one Sean (EDIT: STEVE) Lacey's uncanny doppelganger, the former 1-2-3 Kid (Geek of course hoping all the while the numerical key of "1-2-3" refering to Waltman's stamina with the ladies. It, alas, did not) into Chyna's numerous and surgically altered orrifi (orrifices?!?).

And of course, currently we are treated to the weekly dose of delusion that is Hulk Hogan's psudo autobiographical WWE-Sponsored audio taped retrospective on the Orange- Hued Dirigible One's craptacular self-immoliating life and career thanks to the ever- malleable Malibu Sands

So now, how do we compete with that? Sex with Chyna, unfortunately, is off the table (most likely its on a public park bathroom stall floor somewhere). Sex with Hulk Hogan tag-teaming the loser with Daughter 'Thunder Thighs' Brooke is alas, available, but would likely just end up with the lucky loser feeling left out as this horsey, glistening, little three-way-dance would inevitably wind up just being those other two going at it while our poor lucky loser just sat by and had to watch.

No. This year is going to be different! This year we will SPIN THE WHEEL. Indeed, a WHEEL OF HOGAN! is currently under construction at a top-secret undisclosed oversees underground location! This perverted device, so terrible in its consequence, its true contents cannot be revealed until the day of WrestleMania! Needless to say, it shall be spun. Not just once, but TWICE!!

So make your picks carefully, lambs. Each correct pick will be one step away from spinning that terrible, slimy, dirty, wart- infested wheel. Each failure brings you one Big Booty-Wootie closer to its evil machinations, the likes of which have never been seen before in the history of the series of tubes and wires known as the internets!

Oh, yeah I almost forgot. Someone's going to have to spin the WHEEL OF HOGAN! no matter what their picks are. 2 Money in the Bank participants names will be drawn at random out of Malibu's Mesh Schmidt cap by each editor (& guest editor if you darest, Bissoux!). If you possess the name of the winner of MiTB, you will be spinning the WHEEL OF HOGAN! as well. It is possible that someone will be spinning THE WHEEL OF HOGAN! twice in one terrible, terrible, night...

May God Have Mercy on Your Soul.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Reason #1 to Despise Hulk Hogan...Tape 2, Side A

It’s time for another installment of Tuesday’s with Terry, my compulsory foray into the pretentiousness, illogicality, narcissism, and self-sycophantic prattle that is Hulk Hogan’s audio autobiography. The Hulkster covers a lot of ground on this side of the tape – the Richard Belzer incident, his match with (or more precisely his body slam of) Andre The Giant at WrestleMania III, the family tragedies that were the death of his brother and birth of his son and daughter, the federal steroid trial leading to a rift with Vince McMahon that brought about his departure from the WWF, the insufferable Thunder In Paradise, and his arrival in WCW culminating with his heel turn and the formation of the NWO. Hogan imparts these anecdotes with all of the warmth and amenability of a train ride to Dachau circa 1938.

Time to resume the fear and loathing marathon!

Cheers: (1) To Richard Belzer for suing Hulk Hogan for physical distress, bilking him out of a substantial albeit unspecified amount of cash, applying this settlement towards the purchase of a home in France, and christening this domicile as Chez Hogan. Nice…nice! (2) The powers that be who swiftly and mercilessly (and mercifully from this writer’s point of view) pulled the plug on Thunder in Paradise after its 18 month reign of syndicated terror.

Jeers: To whoever decided that Hulk Hogan rambling on for 10 minutes about his & Mr. T’s infamous appearance on Richard Belzer’s show would make for compelling listening.

Revisionist History Alert: (1) In taking credit for putting together their awful WM III main event match, Hogan mentions in passing that Andre weighed 700 lbs when he body-slammed him. Assuming this was in fact the case and seeing as how professional wrestling has a tendency to exaggerate the heights and especially the weights (not to mention their hometowns, ain’t that right Hulk “Pride of Venice Beach” Hogan brother?) of its competitors, you would think that Andre would have been billed and introduced that night as weighing at a bare minimum of 700 lbs instead of his announced weight of 520 lbs. (2) Hogan claims he tore his back out slamming Andre, but it was worth it to give all of the fans a “special moment,” going so far to declare it as a once in a lifetime moment that never happened again. By never happen again, of course the Hulkster actually means the VERY NEXT WRESTLEMANIA when he body slammed Andre (albeit after the bell) in their WWF title tournament match that ended in a double disqualification. I also strongly suspect that Ultimate Warrior was given the green light to slam Andre during their feud. *Checks You Too* Yup. (3) Hogan boasts that upon his arrival, WCW went from a minor league to a major league promotion, ignoring the fact that (a) it was the second most popular North American wrestling company before he showed up; and (b) it remained the second most popular wrestling company for roughly 3 years after his arrival.

Hypocrisy Alert: The Hulkster deservedly puts over for Andre for doing his job, working the match despite a bad back, and acting like a consummate professional. He then takes umbrage with unspecified “other wrestlers” he has come across over the years who would use an injury to get out of working or putting someone over. I suspect these folks probably learned this tactic by watching the master manipulator himself, Hulk Hogan, who waxes nostalgic on these very tapes about the numerous times he left the business and screwed over promoters without remorse out of his own covetousness.

Curious: While glossed over and breezed through, the section on the steroid trial is told as if Vince, or possibility a college intern that went onto a lucrative career as an outrage manufacturer for the Tea Party movement, assumed provisional ghost writing duties. While not in the least bit surprising, Hulk becomes Vince’s lickspittle, exonerating him of any culpability or wrongdoing whatsoever in the proliferation of steroid use and abuse in wrestling and claiming the federal government had conspired to soil Vince’s shining reputation and destroy his business.

Real Life Ted DiBiase Alert: Hogan’s characterizes Thunder in Paradise as nothing more than a means to make money, then goes onto complain that he was in almost every shot/scene which made his days long and brutal. My sentiments exactly. Hogan then talks about how he was starting to miss being in the ring...not because he loved the camaraderie with the other wrestlers, telling a story in the ring, putting on high caliber matches, entertaining the fans, or simply being a part of the business …but because he wasn’t making “wrestling money”…oh, and he missed the rush he would get from the crowd chanting his name. Egomania, greed, and self-indulgence personified.

Choicest Quote: “I probably started taking anabolic steroids in 1975 [ed. note: Hogan didn’t make his wrestling debut until 1977]. But at the time every wrestler I knew was taking them. I’m not making excuses, but they were everywhere.” [emphasis mine]

Thank God, the finish line is in sight.

Yr Road to WrestleMania Foto of the Week

Interfering on behalf of his friend and fellow legend Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair gets baaaacccckkkk!!! body dropped by Chris Jericho. WrestleMania XXV. Relaint Stadium, Houston, TX. April 5, 2009.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Friday Night Videos: Now w/ 200% More Chest Hair

Friday Night Videos, in affiliation with Arabian Facebuster's
Chest Hair Appreciation Society, with the passive consent of The Cabin Fatty Institute of Tonnage (C-FIT) is proud to present this weekend's Sexy Action I-Team vetted episode of Friday's Night Videos, featuring the most follicly formidable tag team in NWA history, World Tag Team Champions Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson in action.

Their opponents: Larry Stephens who despite the buzzed cut mullet and furry pecs might be the most pathetic looking jobber ever featured on these virtual pages along with his tag team partner, the skeletal and unadorned younger brother of
Barry Dairy, Kendall Windham.

Enjoy this squash (once Stephens gets in the ring) and post-match promo from an early 1988 edition of the NWA's Saturday night flagship program World Championship Wrestling.