Sunday, October 29, 2006

Now With 400% More Kane

Greetings wrestling fans. My humblest apologies for the recent deficiency of WWE SmackDown related postings in these hallowed cyber-pages. My stay in rehab for steroid addiction was lengthy and emotionally demanding. I extend my most sincere gratitude to the Arabian Facebuster Wellness Program for starting me on the road to recovery. Although my once chiseled Adonis physique has returned to Jeff Hardy-like proportions, I am now able to enjoy SmackDown without destroying my living room every time Vickie Guerrero (and her JC Penny Fall Collection wearing ass) arrives on the screen.

My return has been an emotional one, made all the more so when I discovered the headquarters mail room flooded with the neglected letters of our ever-devoted fans: Dear Pencil Neck Geek, Who is this Chris Benoit guy and should the Great Kahli be concerned? Pencil Neck Geek, Are the new
Jimmy Wang Yang collectible belt buckles available at WWE Shop Zone yet? Pencil Neck Geek, How can one justify the existence of God when innocent children are starving, cancer remains uncured, and the Miz is allowed to stink up the ring week after week? Well fans, like the return of Mark Henry, these questions will have to wait for another week. Today we must turn our attention to:

The CW! In a last ditch effort to avert the inevitable demise of the UPN and WB, the two floundering networks have recently been consolidated to into a mega-emporium of crap programming. As the corporate assholes behind this unholy merger desperately scramble to keep their sinking ship afloat, ratings are the highest order of the day. This is serious people. Our beloved SmackDown is just one more Bobby Lashley main event away from being replaced by a 7th Heaven marathon. Fortunately, said ratings have arrived- swathed in red spandex.

Intrepid research by the AFOSP (Arabian Facebuster Online Surveillance Program) reveals that Kane holds the cure for the seemingly unstoppable malaise that has plagued SmackDown for years. High level internet sources have assured us that the program, and wrestling in general, can be taken to glorious new heights if Vince will just strap the gold on this pasty monster. So what if I've always found the guy to be a bit one-dimensional in the ring? Desperate times call for, um, pyrotechnics and choke slams. Join me, won't you, as I usher in an exciting new era of Nielsen domination (in my best Jim Ross Shriek):

Omigawd! It's
Kane! ... Kane!! ... Kane!!! ... KANE!!!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Mediocrity Holds Sway

The above title is not, of course meant in ANY WAY to refer to the fellow on the left. Hernandez, Homicide, and the other two had the best match of the night at "Bound For Glory." They had, in fact, the ONLY MATCH as far as we're concerned. The rest of the show was the sort of sub-average schmoz-fest we're used to seeing out of th' WWE. TNA, you have let us down. Hernandez, on the other hand, has earned our undying respect. Please don't hurt us.

The sooner I can ring the mental curtain down on "Glory," the better. I must, however tarry for one moment more. 700 Club Member Steve Borden aka Sting aka your NWA World Champeen has apparently had some cheap back-alley fat-sucking surgery. Photos from the PPV are being sequestered by the TNA honchos, but we'll post 'em as we finds 'em. When we DO find 'em, or if any of you happen to be watching iMPACT! this week, check out Sting's left nipple (I know, I'm sorry, bear with me). What the ass is that bizarre scar tissue doing? And where have Sting's love handles gone? And why isn't he wrestling in his singlet (for the first time in like ten years) anymore? And why didn't TNA use some of that Kurt Angle money to spring for a legitimate surgeon? Hell, even I know the scar for something like this is s'posed to go UNDER one's man-boob/pectoral muscle/what-have-you.

So, "Bound For Glory": Underwhelming.
LAX Versus Styles/Chertoff: Awesome.
Sting: Scarred, Shrunken, God-Fearing.

Thank you and goodnight.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Even A Broken Clock...

Look at that belt! Look at the "W"! It's RIGHT SIDE UP!!!!

Clearly, the apocalypse is imminent.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Who Gayer Than Kanyon?

Chris Kanyon did an excellent interview on the Howard Stern show today, focusing mainly on his sexual orientation and his "release" from the WWE. In a nutshell, Kanyon says he discussed coming out as gay with some of the "higher ups" at the fed. Shortly thereafter, Vince told him to dress up like Boy George and sing "like a faggot." In the ring, no less. Shortly THEREafter, he was released during a round of "cutbacks." Heat machines like Maven and Tyson Tomko remained on the payroll.

We at Arabian Facebuster applaud Kanyon for his bravery, decry Vince McMahon for his (completely obvious but still alleged) homophobia, and hope Mr. Kanyon can get off the indie circuit and into TNA sometime soon. Sure, he says he's making good money and all, but come on, man. Let's get your gay ass back on the TV. On second thought, perhaps not.

Oh, and Mr. McMahon, if you want to remove the dark stain of homophobia from your company, I got three words for ya: Big Gay Viscera.

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Homeland Security

Recent developments in TNA wrestling have left your correspondent in something of a moral quandry. As a long time lefty anarchist malcontent, I of course yearn for a utopian future where all the races of earth join together in their hearts and minds to seize the means of production, smash the state, execute their leaders, and walk the shining path of righteousness etcetera.

On the other hand, true racial understanding among the working classes would mean an end to the feud between the LAX and AJ Styles/Christopher Daniels (Pictured above at left). This, obviously, will not stand. Last month's Ultimate X match finally ushered in the much-heralded New Era of Violence, to near-universal acclaim. THIS month, we are blessed to receive a 6 Sides of Steel match (a cage match, for those of you wrestling in non-goofy rings) just in time for the first ever Arabian Facebuster Roundtable Summit (we welcome our visitors from the Land of 10,000 Lakes). It should be glorious, to say the least.

That said, it causes me no end of intellectual discomfort to know that this tremendous bounty lies at my feet ONLY through the tragic state of US-Mexico border relations. As long as the LAX represent the monstrous Bogey Man lurking at our Southern Border, eager to steal our jobs/make off with our women/enhance our cuisine, we are assured that the high-flying bloodbaths will continue. Should we (horrors!) relax into multiculturalism, the feud will lose heat faster than this guy.

So I am torn. I of couse want all humans everywhere to love and understand each other. I realize that Global Capitalism exploits the working stiffs of ALL cultures, and only by banding together to resist the cold hand of the multinational conglomerate can we ever hope to elevate ourselves. I also realize that LAX/Styles/Daniels plus steel cage equals TOTAL KICKASS. And if Arabian Facebuster cares about anything, it is ass kickin', no matter what its culture of origin.