Friday, January 29, 2010

Dream Match: Nightmare

Bruiser Brody vs. Undertaker. Dream match that wrestling fans wish that they could have seen happen, and very well might have had it not been for the loathsome and despicable piece of shit otherwise known as Jose Gonzalez/Invader I, seen here getting decimated by our revered furry booted, wild eyed brawler. Right!?

Well, not exactly. For the match itself actually did happen, back in the post-boom, non-glory days of World Class Championship Wrestling promotion, circa 1987/1988. A grayer than I remember Bruiser Brody vs. a very green, lumbering, taut, rigid, and inflexible Undertaker, under a hood as Texas Red (which predated his The Punisher phase) and accompanied by his manager the Percival Pringle III, sporting an absolutely boss canary yellow with black stars blazer (Pringle of course would later go on to gain another 200 pounds and five chins, dye his hair black, and become Paul Bearer). 120 year old Bronko Lubich handles the slow counting duties while Mark Lowrance narrates the sluggishly paced action.

While not exactly approaching Rocky Mountain Thunder vs. any and all American Wrestling Association jobbers in terms of in-ring wretchedness and botchitude, this match certainly fails to live up to what one would expect from two of the best big men/super-heavyweights to, in the unfortunately and carelessly chosen words of Magnum T.A. -- and I'm paraphrasing here -- "get it on like two grown men should do" in the homoerotic charged confines squared circle.

The Undertaker gets absolutely worked over in this one, getting in absolutely zero offense against the relentless veteran. I also believe this was the last time The Undertaker actually did a clean job...

Chris Jericho + Hurricane Helms + Alcohol= BU$$$TED!

Dateline-The Shell Gas Station in something called Buttermilk Pike, KY. Allow Da Meltz and Da Chico to elaborate on Da Facebuster's behalf: reported today that Gregory Helms allegedly hit several people, including a woman, before the arrest of himself and Chris Jericho at a Shell gas station on Buttermilk Pike in Crescent Springs, KY, just outside of Erlanger, KY, at about 5 a.m. Wednesday morning after the Smackdown/ECW TV tapings.

Police spoke to several members of a group traveling together in a taxi that included Helms, Matt Hardy and Jericho. They alleged Helms struck three people, Jericho, Gary Kelley and Ashley Storer and then ran from the scene when the cab driver pulled over at the gas station. A later police report said Helms also struck a fourth person, who left the scene with him, later identified as Hardy. A witness to the situation said Helms did not hit Storer as reported.

Helms returned to the gas station where he and Jericho were arrested for public intoxication. Hardy didn't return when police had arrived, but no action is being pursued against him.

Helms was not charged with assault because none of the alleged victims would press charges, which is a requirement in the state if police have not witnessed the attack.

Storer told police she didn't want to press charges. Kelly told police he was thinking it over.

"It's hard to say exactly how in depth this fight was," said Kevin Gilpin of the Erlanger police, which responded to the call. "There was a disagreement while they were inside of a cab. When we got there, obviously they were out of the cab and made contact with the police, and were arrested a short time after that."

Both wrestlers were cooperative when the police arrived and have court dates scheduled for February 16 at Kenton District Court on the misdemeanor charge. Both men were released at about 7 a.m. after posting $120 bond.

"We get there and they basically say Helms kind of turned into an ass and starts kind of getting physical iside the cab," Gilpin said.

Helms had a cut above his right eye in his mug shot, although it was not stated where the cut came from.

This whole early morning, alcohol fueled escapade cum rampage at the Upland South's Kum & Go Pump N Munch equivalent evokes more questions than it provides actual answers. Why would anyone -- let alone the caliber of Y2J -- want to hang with, around, or for that matter anywhere in an eye shot of the insufferable Shane Gregory Helms? Do The Hurricane's punches pack any kind of might, fury, or pain whatsoever? Who the hell are Gary Kelley and Ashley Storer? Is this some kind of magical clown cab or, conversely, a handicap accessible van-cab like the one Pencil Neck Geek and I caught on our way back from a night of falafel (more specifically, the waiting and waiting for followed by the devouring of), kang, drunken dog walking, and keg stand assistance related indulgences during last year's 3rd Annual AFSC&FC? Otherwise, how does one explain five (at minimum) passengers plus one cab driver no doubt redolent of stale instant coffee, urine, and car air freshener in one vehicle? How will the WWE punish these superstars? By having Jericho and Helms do high profile jobs at Wrestle Mania and the upcoming Beaumont, TX house show, respectively? And what of Matt Hardy: Should we interpret his continued tag team alliance on the Friday night muthaship otherwise known as Smackdown! with The Great Khali as (1) retaliatory, (2) compensatory for having to languish in ECW for all of those months, or (3) simply as more evidence of the directionless, deteriorating, sterile nature of the contemporary WWE product?

That is all.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Big White Asshole Runs Mouth/ Big Angry Black Woman Responds

Oh Whimsy! Thy name be TNA! Everybody's favorite overweight, overly privileged, Hulk Hogan Syndicated Sycophant, Bubba the Love Sponge really did it this time! Seems Bubba's got the size-seven man- jewels to say that which EVERYBODY's been thinking, but nobody's been SAYING when he 'Twatted his precient analysis of the goings ons in our Westernly Hemisphere with "F--- Haiti" this past weekend!

Oh Bubba, you silly sperm-soaked sponge, you! Seems not everybody was scrambling to align with your principled geopolitical stance in the T'un'Ehh backstage area, as one Awesome Kong took exception to your well-reasoned and thoroughly cogent analycezeeze, and saw fit to shut your fat cracker mouth with her whole-ham-hock- sized fists in a flurry of equally well reasoned rebuttals she thoughtfully entitled "This is for HAITI! (smack) This is for HAITI! (pow) This is for HAITI! (crack)"!

Not surprisingly, Bubba took to the airwaves to emplore his mouth-breathing, slack jawed army of AM-band enablers to admire his restraint and precesnse of "mind" in that he Chivalrously refrained (read: getting the shit-kicking beating his mother should have given him along time ago) from striking back at the offended Nubian. Seems Awesome Kong has been doing some fund-raising for the poor pols of Haiti, and she took Bubba's comments (and his later totally lacking half-assed apology) at their face value, and then returned said sentiments directly to Bubba's fat face.

Awesome Kong? Or The Awesomest Kong?!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Whither Six Sides

With new sheriff's Hulk "Shriveled Balls" Hogan and Eric "Melanin Deficient" Bischoff in town to guide Total Nonstop Action Wrestling to new heights...of predictable unpredictability, of wacky and utterly confusing stipulations, of recycling washed up and broken down World Championship Wrestling/World Wrestling Federtainment superstars, and of all around is only fitting that superfluousness would come under siege.

That's right, no more six sided ring.

And based on this edict to purge the excessive and unnecessary elements within TNA!, I suspect in the next few weeks we will witness the sacking of Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, X-Pac, Val Venis, Orlando Jordan, Mr. Anderson (the vastly overrated and inexplicably overrpushed entity formerly known as Misstttaaa Kenneeedddddy. Kennneeeeddddy), The Nasty Boys, Bubba The Love Sponge, Tazz(z?), The Legends Title, Brooke and Nick being allowed at ringside let alone to saunter (in his case) and waddle (in hers) into the Universal Studios theme park in Orlando, and of course their disreputable father Hulk Hogan and his sniveling flunky Eric Bischoff.

Ric Flair managing a heel World Heavyweight Champion A.J. Styles earns a pass from me. For now.

Yr Random Pro Rasslin' Sign of the Week

Based on the phone number/area code, this live weekly pro wrestling (and lucha libre too!?!?) event occurs in northern or eastern portion of Alabama.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Dynamic Dudes: Dudes? Yes! Dynamic?...

Here at Arabian Facebuster, we are all about dichotomy. For that reason, we are committed to bringing you not only pro wrestling's very best but also its absolute worst.

This clip (sorry, embedding was disabled by the uploader) featuring The Dyanmic Dudes -- the NWA's fantastically futile attempt to find something for plucky pretty boy upstarts Shane Douglas and Johnny Ace something to do that incorporated shopping for neon colored shorts and aqua socks, throwing out hand gestures that would resonate with the surfing and skateboarding crowd, shoving slices of Sabarro in their chipper pie holes, schlong cuts flapping in the wind, and losing on a regular basis to credible heel tag teams as the result of nefarious circumstances during the Summer and Fall of 1989 -- clearly falls into the latter category.

Other than Rocky Mountain Thunder botching spots and almost crippling his opponents, Buck "Rock and/or Roll" Zumhofe refereeing a match featuring his daughter taking on a midget in a cornfield, the entire Soldat Ustinov/Teijo Khan-Baron Von Raschke feud, anything involving the Dungeon of Doom, and the verdict and sentencing phases of Nick Hogan's trial, there's nothing so dreadful in wrestling that puts a bigger smile on my face than watching these future wrestling malcontents and master politickers get humiliated so thoroughly.

And after a careful viewing of this clip, I suspect you will too.

Deep Thought...

TNA!'s Bobby Lashley: White Guy trapped in a black man's body...or The Whitest Guy trapped in a black man's body?


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Randy Orton: Spits Before He Shits

The bad news: The WWE Universe's favorite Holiday Inn Express room thrasher, gym bag defecator (complete with water bottle presumably to be used as a makeshift bidet), gay porn body/stunt double, terror watch list suspect, and all around iller Randy Orton has possibly run afoul of the law yet again and has definitely run afoul of decency and decorum.

Quoth Da Meltz:

A complaint was filed last night against WWE headliner Randy Orton on an assault charge as he was accused of spitting gum in he face of a 15-year-old when the fan asked Orton to pose for a photo with him.

The 15-year-old told police Orton spit his gum in his face and called him a profane word. The teenager had taken a photo of Orton in the parking lot at Kowloon's Restaurant in Sauguas, MA, on Friday night, a popular Chinese restaurant hangout of WWE wrestlers when they perform in Boston. He said Orton did that in reation to being asked if he could take a photo with him. Orton healdined a show that night at the T.D. Gardens with the Raw crew.

Saugus Police Lieutenant Leonard Campanello said that after Orton's action, the teenagers mother went to Orton about his actions, and Orton responded, "So sue me."

There was a third witness to the alleged altercation who police had contacted. Police have scheduled a hearing on a simple assault and battery charge and a clerk magistrate will determine if charges will be pressed.

The good news: Randy decided to express his righteous indignation at a pushy, pimple faced autograph seeker via verbal taunts and tirades and gum tossing instead of going ahead and evacuating his bowels in the mom's purse...or in the youngster's chest and/or mouth.

Facebuster Nation, what we've just witnessed is the maturation of Randy Orton.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Yr Random Pro Rasslin' Sign of the Week

Based on the area code, the Here at Church Gym is presumably located in the cesspool otherwise known as Central New Jersey.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Why We Watch, Exhibit S.2

Facebuster Nation: A few months ago, I waxed nostalgic about an elusive and spectacular bordering on mythical YouToo clip featuring The Four Horsemen (the Flair, Windham, Arn, and Tully version) stomping the shit out of "The Total Package" Lex Luger as part of our celebration of The Horsemen stable, franchise, legacy and lasting contributions to the noble art of professional wrestling. Allow me to quote myself:
For quite some time now, I've been planning to honor The Four Horsemen circa 1986-1988 (not the later day versions that featured such stains as Sid Vicious, Paul Roma, Jeff Jarrett, and Steve "Mongo" McMichael whose perplexing and often expedient inclusion ultimately tarnished the luster and legacy of the group) for (a) delivering both in the ring and on the stick; (b) being among the first "cool heels" where you'd feel compelled to cheer the bad guys and root against the good guys; and (c) their ruthless and violent gang style beatdowns of seemingly all of babyfaces and jobbers that had a cup of coffee with Jim Crockett Promotions during this period.

The clip I was hoping to embedded in order to illustrate these contentions, point 3 in particular, was footage from a Clash of the Champions in June, 1988 where Flair, Blanchard, Double A, JJ Dillon, and newly turned heel and anointed Horsemen Barry Windham put the boots to Lex Luger in a sadistic arena parking lot attack just moments after "The Total Package" disembarked from his Lincoln Continental limousine, causing severe lacerations to the TP's horse face and leaving footprints all over his fucking white tuxedo! After inflicting this carnage, the Horsemen dumped Luger's body into the trunk of the very limo he arrived in. Now that's how you do irony.

Simply put, for me, this is among the top three satisfying and gratifying rasslin' moments of all time.

Unfortunately, this viral video is no longer available. After much futile scouring, I have come to the conclusion that the Poindexters at World Wrestling Entertainment forced Youtube to put a cease and desist on the original clip poster's account as he/she had run afoul of WWE copyright and thus Youtube's terms of use agreement.

Phrased differently, the WWE has yet again hosed rasslin' fans everywhere.

Rest assured, if this now infamous clip ever resurfaces on the interwebs, Arabian Facebuster will bring it to you...
Consider this footage brought! Go ahead and click play below. Oh, and don't be alarmed by 11 minute clip duration. All of the action in question occurs during the first 90 seconds.

Magnificent, isn't it!?

Oh, and feel free to see the clip through to its conclusion, for it also features a plethora of 1988 commercials for fancy Yugo motor cars and BVD underpants followed by The Fantastics in action against The Sheepherders (before they became the scintillating Bushwackers comedy duo in the WWF).

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Yr Random Pro Rasslin' Sign of the Week

Sandy Barr's Flea Market. St. Johns. Portland.

Monday, January 04, 2010

10 Years Ago...

Bret Hart!? The diabolical Mr. McMahon?!? Hall, Nash, and X-Pac!?! Ric Flair?!? Jeff Hardy?!? Val Venis!?! Russo?!? Sigh, Hulk Hogan!?!

Oh wait, that's just a smattering of who's rumored to be appearing on tonight's WWE vs. TNA! Monday Night Wars redux...the bulk of whom via the latter promotion.

May God strike down The Impact Zone at Universal Studios, Orlando FL and all of those on or near its premises who are not named AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, Desmond Wolfe, or Samoa Joe before the top of the hour.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Friday Night Videos (Bonus Hungover Start to 2010 Edition)

Facebuster Nation: I hope you all followed the sage albeit long-winded advice of Barry "Dairy" Windham and had a safe, drinkin' and drivin' free New Year's holiday. I also assume you followed the directives of Charles Bukowski and "Hairy" Larry Nelson and drank yrselves into a state best characterized as occupying the space between impulsive and reckless decision making exuberance and blacked out oblivion.

And seeing as how many of you are just returning from an evening of hair of the doggin' it and fulfilling your New Year's Resolution by making out with a cabin fatty approximating a Brooke Hogan level of thickness in the men's room stall -- with her rolls of stomach fat and mammoth muffin top no doubt spilling out into the urinal area -- at the local tavern, I thought it appropriate to provide a *bonus* installment of Friday Night Videos, Arabian Facebuster's apportionment of actual non-sports entertainment contaminated professional rasslin' content to continue the industrious start to 2010.

Featured tonight is the conclusion of a Universal Wrestling Federation Tag Team Title Match circa 1986 between the team of "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert and Sting against Tommy Rogers and Bobby Fulton, The Fantastics. Jim Ross and possibly Hacksaw Jim Duggan (or is that the voice of the finest hoss in all of Oklahoma Dr. Death Steve Williams!?) commentate. The referee just so happens to be assigned this contest is Eddie Gilbert's father Tommy Gilbert, although I don't think it has any bearing on the outcome of this contest. And in the heel team's corner are Missy Hyatt and "Hollywood" John Tatum.

The behind the scenes back story here is just as compelling as the in-ring tag team action. In brief, Tatum and Hyatt arrived in the UWF via World Class Championship Wrestling (written with Bill Mercer's inflection running through my head). They were a couple both on screen and off. As part of the storyline, Gilbert and Tatum formed an alliance, eventually culminating in Hyatt dumping Tatum for Gilbert. In real life, events played out much the same as Missy "cheated" on John with Eddie, whom she eventually married a year or two later.

And just because the end of the clip promises you more Universal Wrestling Federation action, I'm going to deliver in the form of the conclusion of a six man tag featuring The Fantastics and The Missing Link with the sultry and very much sought after Dark Journey in their corner against Gilbert, Sting, and Tatum with Missy Hyatt in there's.

Oh, and that young lady in the crowd bopping to the Fantastics' music holding her overall clad son in one hand a Misty 120 in the other at the 3 minute mark epitomizes the fervent and vociferous ethos of professional rasslin' fandom -- provided that the booking and in-ring product isn't presented in an anodyne, static, apathy inducing, lowest common denominator appealing, intelligence insulting, and/or disproportionately whimsical, manner -- that for the last 3+ years Arabian Facebuster has so stridently championed, safeguarded, and vindicated.

I wonder if she's got a daughter!?

Enjoy. I'll be sure to resurrect this Friday Night Videos bit again before Arabian Facebuster closes up shop one year from now.

The Week in Unintentional Irony

Kid Kash Got Bu$$ted for Fraud with a Credit Card.

Dr. Death, Died.