Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Reason #8 to Despise Hulk Hogan

He has ruined my 4th of July.

For the past 10 months, yours truly Malibu Sands has been training vigorously and building up endurance in order to wave* an "Official Uniting Towel of America" for exactly 15 consecutive minutes and thus participate in something called The National Wave, designed with the naive and futile hope to -- if only for a fleeting moment -- bring together and unite Americans from all walks of life in spite of our political squabbles and economic, cultural, and geographic differences through the shared experience of hankie oscillation. Think "Hands Across America" meets Petey Pablo.

After viewing the embedded clip and reading the preceding paragraph you are undoubtedly wondering "Why 15 minutes?" (because any interval less is a victory for the terrorists...and any greater duration is just plain excessive) and more importantly "How will waving a towel amidst a throng of little kids and Hulkamanioids for any duration, let alone 15 minutes, actually accomplish anything whatsoever, let alone mollify our polarized electorate and rancorous and hyper-partisan political discourse?" If you have to ask, then (a) you hate America; (b) you are a terrorist or at the very least a terrorist sympathizer and deserve to be on the bottom rung of a naked human pyramid; (c) the terrorists have already won; or (d) all of the above.

Let the healing commence.

Um, not so fast. For according to TMZ.com, the most earnest of the internet celebrity gossip sites, this sure to be sparsely attended event has been indefinitely postponed due to the outrage and/or ridicule that will inevitably result from Hulk Hogan's** participation and official spokesmen status in this arm tiring and repetitive stress disorder inducing endeavor. Phrased differently, it's hard to "bring the county together," "celebrate what makes us great," or actualize other quasi-patriotic platitudes when the public face of your event has the audacity to proclaim that God (with the aid of a certain Idiot Son) allowed his son's former best friend to wind up in a coma in order to make him a better person.

Looks like it's time for me to move onto plan B: imbibing a cooler's worth of Riunite and shooting off fireworks from the comfort of my couch sans protective plastic coating. Alone.

Also deeply disappointed in this indefinite postponement, Jeff Hardy, who was planning on waving his uniting, soiled, and fire starting super sized jizz rag to help mend this country's fissures.


*Seeing as how the crate of uniting towels I ordered were confiscated due to our government's ban on all products made in and imported from North Korea, I've instead been using a 1987 Homer Hankie for my thrice a day intensive workout regimen.

**Why is the Hulkster leading a countdown to unveil...a countdown clock?

***More Hulk Hogan towel wave promoting shenanigans, featuring Pat "I'm So Fucking Hot for You" O'Brien can be viewed here.

1 comment:

Pencil Neck Geek said...

My favorite Hulk Hogan venture since Pasta Mania!

If anyone is interested, I'll be keeping the National Wave dream alive. Meet me at the housewares section at Sears on July 4th, where there will be much coordinated waving of the Unofficial Uniting Towels of America (aka red, white, and blue dishrags).

The official countdown to the countdown for the final countdown will be announced soon. Anyone got connections for a new spokesman? I wonder what CW Anderson is up to these days?