Friday, February 26, 2010

Like A Phoenix from the Ashes: Friday Night Videos

Facebuster Nation, the Friday Night Videos sabbatical is officially on hiatus! Yes sir, starting RIGHT NOW (well not right now, but whenever you get around to hitting the play button on the clip above) and running up until the granddaddy of 'em all and the centerpiece of this year's Staff Conference and Fan Conclave -- WrestleMania -- old-new rasslin' content of the rarest and choicest variety awaits.

You know the drill. It's Friday night. Head down to the tavern. Pound a few brews spliced with an occasional buttery nipple, cement mixer, and rusty nail. Identify, bring back to your place, and charm the moo moo off of the plumpest, most uninhibited of cabin fatty. I'm talking corpulence and circumference approaching King Kong Bundy or Round Mound of Sound Joe Pedicino territory.

Post coitus, while the cabin fatty is raiding your pantry and fixing a couple of sandwiches and 79 cent frozen pizzas (all of which are for herself), fire up the ol' computer and head on over to Arabian Facebuster for a needed and well deserved rasslin' fix before you start sobering up and the inevitable feelings of guilt, regret, and shame kick in. Don't worry about the stench or the secretions, for those will wash right off.

And speaking of King Kong Bundy, he, along with his tag team partner and music video protagonist "The Boogie Woogie Man" Jimmy Valiant are the focus on tonight's edition. Their opponents, a couple of pale bump machines named Doug Vines (or Bines) and Randy Barber that are handled by the babyface duo with ease. While most of you know Valiant as a mainstay of the Mid Atlantic-Jim Crockett Promotions area, Bundy's stint in that territory consisted of a short-lived babyface run with little-to-nothing by way of memorable matches, feuds, titles, or other miscellaneous accomplishments to show for it, not unlike Rocky Mountain Thunder if he was bald, competed in a singlet, and had even a basic grasp of the vocation he was a participant in. He was World Wrestling Federation bound a short time later. Bundy that is. Not Rocky Mountain Thunder.

Johnny Weaver and the surprisingly cordial Tully Blanchard handle the commentary duties on this episode of NWA World Wide Wrestling from the Spring of 1984.


BREAKING NEWS: Future Endeavored AKA TNA Bound

A trifecta of roster cuts at Titan Towers. Gone and I suspect quickly forgotten are this month's Bu$ted centerfold Gregory Shane "Hurricane" Helms, Paul Burchill (is "sister" Katie Lea still with the company or was she previously future endeavored?), and Maria Kanellis - who next to voluptuous spitfire Layla is/was in my erudite opinion the worst female in-ring performer on the roster.

Safe travels to Orlando to you all!

Jimmy Valiant Hits the Beach

In the spirit of cross pollination, in order to shamelessly plug Aimee, Tim and I's American Idol blog and the prolific output that has been generated over the past couple of weeks, and inspired by the manner in which this post by Super Songle was formulated, I am going to offer up a stream of consciousness/internal dialogue take on/reaction to this music video of Jimmy "The Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant I stumbled upon to hopefully facilitate a spirited discussion on its numerous teachable moments.

:05: Well, hello! What do we have here?!?!
:07: Is Jimmy The Boogie Woogie Man Valiant playing an air ukulele? Or more specifically, a hat ukulele? And what does he or that profoundly lame act have anything to do with said beautiful woman lounging around at poolside? I suspect this will all tie together if we just keep watching.
:12: Ah!
:16: Jimmy Valiant's goofy walk (He's WALKIN!!!) and facial contortions are like a Buck Zumhofe, Baron Von Raschke, Da Crusher, and The Bushwhackers stew that is in dire need of seasoning. I have no idea what that means either, but since it's a Stream of Consciousness/Internal Dialogue Reax, let's just move on...
:18: Who are those shirtless guys?
:24: I get that Jimmy Valiant has rhythm-n-soul and understands the plight and struggle of the black man in ways that the rest of us white breads cannot. But what's the deal with that clean shaven, middle aged white guy in the short sleeved dress shirt clapping away?
:27: She's WALKIN!!!
:32: Jimmy Valiant appears to be trapped in the back of an RV.
:38: More lovely ladies WALKIN!!!
:43-1:03: Cue stare and point montage in front of various forms of transportation.
1:08: I think Valiant just scored some cocaine from R.L. Burnside.
1:16: Based on the street signs indoors, I would surmise that Jimmy Valiant is at TGI Fridays.
1:35: I'm seeing quadruple...16 Jimmy Valiant's!
1:39: Voyeur time.
1:53: Now that's a rasslin' music video! Take that The New Generation and Superstar Bill Dundee. Me thinks Jimmy Valiant is the undisputed king of this long forgotten but highly entertaining art form.

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Emasculation of Ric Flair Continues

BREAKING NEWS of the BU$$$TED variety courtesy of F4W, highlighted below in purple, my preferred Flair tights-robe-boots color coordinated combination:
Flair's wife arrested in domestic dispute

The Charlotte Observer at has a story on a misdemeanor assault arrest of Jacqueline Beems Fliehr, 41, the new wife of Ric Flair.

Police received a domestic violence call at 11:40 p.m. last night at the couple's home. The police report stated Ric Flair suffered minor visible injuries, claimed to be from the "hands, feet and teeth" of the accused, but refused to go to the hospital for treatment. The report indicated the incident took place as the two were returning home after dinner.

The two were married on 11/11 and used the Flair vs. Hogan wrestling tour of Australia as their honeymoon.

My thoughts on this scandalous story are as follows:
1. To be the man, you gotta beat the man.
2. Were the visible injuries caused by a series of sustained blows, or from the Flair Flop and blade job that inevitably followed?
3. Odds that Jacqueline and Ric will be asked to reprise/recreate this incident for the TNA Impact Zone cameras and audience at Universal Studios, Orlando FL...1:1. Odds that, on that very same episode of TNA Impact, it will be revealed that Jacqueline had been carrying on an affair the whole time with Eric Bischoff: 3:2. Odds that, on that very same episode, Ric Flair will make a major "major announcement" announcing his retirem...SWERVE...announcing that he too has been carrying on an affair...with both of The Beautiful the same time!...together!!...while "Big Sexy" Kevin Nash videotaped it!!!: 3:1.
4. Since when did camping mats constitute a domicile?
5. Based on their common diversions and pursuits, she needs to divorce Flair, take all of his money (78 dollars and 93 cents by my last count) and shack up with Bottom Line ASAP.
6. Can't say I blame her one bit for reigning blows down upon her hubby...if I had to spend several weeks hanging near and/or with that egomaniac Hulk Hogan and his cadre of leeches and scoundrels, I'd have pummeled the shit out of 'Naitch too.

Yr Black History Month Foto of the Week

The Junkyard Dog, circa 1985.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Kick, Wham, Stunner...Flag Wave?!?

Not unlike "Nature Boy" Ric Flair during a sabbatical away from further tarnishing his professional wrestling legacy, Bottom Line (aka "Stone Cold" Steve Austin), pictured above expediting the extinction of a wildlife preserve, also keeps himself busy. Hunting with bow and arrow. Yes, sir. Drinking can after can of domestic swill beer. Check. Perpetrating acts of domestic violence on the wife/live-in-girlfriend of the moment that, if he's not careful, will surely get his mug plastered in Bu$ted. Oh, sure. Organizing his closet full of leather vests and jean shorts. You betcha. Starring in straight to video movies that feature punching and not much else. Aw, yeah!

Up next for Bottom Line: Following in the footsteps of 'Naitch and giving NASCAR flag waving a try. Not to be confused with (uniting) towel waving.

Rest assured, Arabian Facebuster is working the garage area at the California Speedway to confirm whether Bottom Line will enter his monster truck or Zamboni in this weekend's Auto Club 500.

Monday, February 15, 2010

A Special Holiday Message, from the Darkside

Yr Black History Month Foto of the Week

Universal Wrestling Federation (UWF) Television Champion Savannah Jack, circa early 1987.

For what it's worth, I scanned this photo from a program I got at the UWF live event in Minneapolis back in April, 1987, which I believe was the only time the UWF promoted a card in the state of Minnesota...I'm not sure if they would have come back due to the poor attendance -- we're talking less than 2,000 people in a 12,000+ seat hockey arena --but Bill Watts never had to make that decision as he sold his promotion to Crockett/NWA just a few weeks later.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Hogan Family Death Pool Update

Alright, which one of you Facebuster Sexy Action News Team members is moonlighting as a contributor at snarkerati?!?

Brooke Hogan is back on the prowl, guys! Get your crap together and head on down to Florida to sweep her off of her feet! Come on, you know you want to.

Brooke has confirmed the split to “Life & Style” magazine, saying that it’s 100% over between the two. He was the guy that was in her “Falling” video, which was said to have been dedicated to her.

Her rep said, “Brooke Hogan and Stack$ have split but remain friends. He was a big part of her life for a very long time, and she still cares about him and his family dearly. Brooke would like to thank her fans for their kind words and sensitivity during the breakup.”

Could this be the impetus for accelerating Brooke Hogan's downward spiral (as if the shitty albums, wrinkly and likely cancer wrought skin, rather masculine physique epitomized by her thunderous thighs, and fondling of her lady scrotum by her father weren't suicide inducing enough), thereby bringing about a highly anticipated conclusion to the stalemate that is Arabian Facebuster's Hogan Family Death Pool!?!?

Although I have a vested interest in Nick Hogan's demise, I actually hope that this is the break in the Hogan Family Death Pool we've been waiting for...for the sake of closure and resolution here at Arabian Facebuster, and for the convenience of passing along the Death Pool grand prize, my mesh Schmidt's Beer Hat, to Pencil Neck Geek at this year's 4th annual AFSC&FC instead of having to incur the expense of shipping it to PDX or buying a plane ticket to deliver it directly his door, of course.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Rocky Mountain Thunder: Lot of Thunder In That Right Forearm

Facebuster Nation -- I am proud to unveil two new activities to the already jam packed itinerary for the 4th Annual Arabian Facebuster Staff Conference and Fan Conclave: (1) descending upon the maximum security ward at the Friendship Village Retirement Community to taunt, provoke, or even cajole Verne Gagne into (all to easily arrived at) confused bed pan and/or feces hurling and the infuriated application of his trademark Gagne Sleeper on any and all nursing staff and fellow near death's door residents who dare cross his path; (2) poking a shoeless hobo passed out in a puddle of his own filth with a stick.

In the spirit of these endeavors, here is a clip of Rocky Mountain Thunder *cough* competing *cough* in Verne's American Wrestling Association against something called Kevin Collins (complete with a nifty fluffy mullet that I'm sure brought him a steady stream of whiskey tango poontang and thus the resentment of his fellow jobbers) and doing what he does best -- using a rope to keep his pants up, demonstrating his uncanny inability to cooperate to with his opponent AND not nearly cause serious injury with every collar and elbow tie-up, Irish whip, clothesline, and elbow smash, making a complete mockery of the professional wrestling craft, and sending Lee Marshall and Rod Trongard into a state of loquacious exhilaration and blabbering idiocy.

Post title honorable mentions include "What's In Rocky Mountain Thunder's Sack? He Isn't Saying!", "Rocky Mountain Thunder: Just A Roughhouser", "Rocky Mountain Thunder: Self-Described Scuffler", "Rocky Mountain Thunder: Has Got More For Ya", and "Rocky Mountain Thunder: Sez I Thank You".

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Four on the Floor: AFSC&FC

Arabian Facebuster has up and gone done it again. No, we're not relaunching the PastaMania! franchise under the awning and adjacent to the untrimmed shrubbery pictured above and bringing back its signature dish -- ragu of white squirrel on a bed papparadelle noodles -- on the unsuspecting and likely to be disinterested masses. We can't, for the building has been bulldozed and the awning has mysteriously vanished.

Nor are we awarding honorary Facebuster author/contributor status to Buck Rock and/or Roll Zumhofe. We won't, for we have aversion towards -- check that, a rational and genuine fear of -- midgets interacting in civil society, let alone locking up in a wrestling ring with, folk from an vertically unimpeded persuasion. And Buck Zumhofe is both a known associate and staunch ally of midgets and midget related causes, like middle turnbuckle smashes, cowering behind a referee's lower thigh, and having sentiments other than sheer revulsion and utter contempt towards Hornswaggle.

Rather, we're curating a 4th annual and what may end up being the final Staff Conference and Fan Conclave in the birthplace of PastaMania! and sure to be the mausoleum of the Rock&/0r Roller, the Twin Cities of Saint Paul and Minneapolis, MN. And we're convening during WrestleMania weekend, March 26-28!!!

WrestleMania prognostications, live PPV viewership, hours upon hours of assorted VHS and DVD watching, (crosses fingers) live wrestling from the F1RST pro crew, growlers, boots, Von Furious tall boys, the egging followed by the pillaging of the Zumhofe family rambler, and sporadic to non-existent live-blogging will be the order of the weekend.

Book your transportation, lodging, and yr weekend itinerary of unfettered, carefree debauchery post haste!

An Open Letter to David Cross...

Facebuster Nation, in the spirit of cross pollination and promotion, I'd like to offer up a very special Takes on Matters™ approved take on last night's Miz & Big Shew Unified Tag Team Title victory over D-Generation X, who from what Rev. Von. Fury tells me, were palling around and hamming it up with one of the only guys who could make the fusion of DX and Hornswaggle seem like the savviest of booking decisions, $5 foot long connoisseur and gastronomic anti-Christ Jared Fogle from those insufferable Subway commercials.

Dear David Cross:

Where do you get off? NOT debuting on last night's episode of Monday Night RAW as the acerbic tongued manager of The Miz and The Big Shew, rechristening this title-holding tag team combination as Mizter Shew, and setting in motion a six-man tag team showdown with you and your team against D-Generation X and Jared at WrestleMania?

Who do you think you are?!?!


-Malibu Sands
Chairman and CEO, Takes on Matters
Executive Vice President Emeritus, Tully Blanchard Enterprises, Incorporated

Not too my own horn ladies and gentlemen, but consider that a prescient and levelheaded take on a timely and pressing matter. Phrased differently: Toot. Toot.

Coming soon: Takes on Matters via Arabian Facebuster takes on the Special Olympics (Dear Special Olympics Athletes: You've got some nerve...I've watched your events and seen your finishing times and results, they ain't that special...), The Brady Bunch (Dear Carol Brady: Where do you get off...being a stay at home mom AND needing a full-time housekeeper...), and short lived, the neon and spandex clad tag-team phenomenon The Dynamic Dudes (Dear Johnny and Shane: Who do you think you are...NOT imploring the original rock'n'roller Buck Zumhoffe to become your mentor...and in Shane Douglas' case, your special companion slash tag-team life partner...).

Stay tuned.