Thursday, October 28, 2010
"The Boogie Woogie" Man Jimmy Valiant:
(a) Has pent up and unresolved issues involving his father's gray hairs and curious vocational choice of driving his son around in a limo, if his Tom Waits like gravelly vocal and lyrical stylings are to be believed;
(b) Is from the kinky, sexually depraved, and geriatrically oriented school of polygamy;
(c) For reasons inadequately explained, needs black folks to help him find his BFF Leroy "Soul Man" Jenkins, the whitest guy you'll ever meet;
(d) Is renting to own a motorcycle that doesn't actually run and is only another 224 payments of $49.95 away from making that dream a reality;
(e) Better guard that bike, for "Rowdy" Roddy Piper is liable to steal it and trade it in for a modest size pile of low-grade cocaine.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
To say that the town is buzzing over this event would be a vast overstatement. Nobody is talking about it. And other than guys with short arms and blubbery rumps, ladies with fanny packs being held in place via rotund protruding bellies, and adolescents with complexions that range from pizza faced to crater faced, nobody cares.
Me and my fellow Minnesotans will be doing what we do best...sitting in our Barcaloungers, getting blotto as we watch the Vikings go down in defeat to our bitter Sconie rivals.
Or as we native born Minnesotans like to call it, an annual right of passage.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The Washington Post is reporting that Conn. Democratic State Party SpokesLady Kate Hansen (not of the Stan varietals) is none too pleased with one Vincent Kennedy McMahon's recent proboscis sticking into his onetime wheelchair bound formerly pharmaceutically induced stupified wife's United States Senatorial campaign.
Hansen & The Connecticut State Dems. have called on the Federal Election Commision to investigate the potentially illegal consorting of Vinnie's multi-million $$ corporation & the Senate Campaign of the missus.
“Linda McMahon’s $50 million attack machine now has corporate reinforcements, thanks to the ‘Stand up for WWE’ campaign launched by her husband Vince McMahon. No coincidence, it looks a lot like her political campaign... except this one is probably against the law.”
“Linda McMahon’s claim that her husband’s aggressive public relations campaign is independent of her own political campaign is unbelievable, particularly after Vince McMahon specifically cites the Senate race as the reason for the offensive" said Kate (not-Stan)Hansen.The Conn.Dems assert the collusion betwixt corporate McMahon & U.S. Senate candidate McMahon
"Represents one of the most brazen and overt attempts by a single corporation to influence a single federal election in modern political history".
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Facebuster Nation, I apologize for the drop off in routine, top notch blog content (heretofore referred to as blogtent for purposes of expediency) over recent weeks. Obviously, our time together is dwindling rapidly. In fact, in order to monitor the time until our beloved Arabian Facebuster Project's inevitable day of reckoning, I am borrowing The National Wave's countdown clock, used by that ill conceived event's organizers to calculate the days until the
We've still got a lot to cover over the next 2 1/2 months...the search for Rocky Mountain Thunder's successor as the World's Worst Worker...more insights into the feuds, grapplers, angles, promotions, and peculiarities that have made us fans of THE professional rasslin'...a cavalcade of jobbers getting squashed for our bemusement...music videos from Memphis...Gail Gagne's looming trial on charges of criminal sexual conduct...*crosses fingers* Hogan Family Death Pool resolution...and of course the drugged up yet somehow still grounded rantings of, as far as yrs truly Malibu Sands is concerned, Arabian Facebuster's 2010 Blogtent MVP: Jimmy "The Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant!!!
Oh, and I almost forgot! More white hot action and cutthroat promos from the soooupa staaahhs of the IPW.
Much, much more.
So without any further ado, let's get back into it by watching the highly combustible Jumpin' Jeff Farmer-Motley Cruz and Richie Rouge-that big, nasty, wart infested Bulldozer situations blow up like a great big ol' stick of dynamite!!!...assuming of course the stick of dynamite was (a) untalented; and (b) woefully out of shape.
I'm going to utilize a FACT or FICTION narrative device in order to offer and organize my thoughts on this fracas...
FACT (0:06-0:16): Motley Cruz has the face and hair of "Gorgeous" Jimmy Garvin and the fat ass of every wrestler of Samoan lineage since 1953.
FICTION (0:30): Richie Rouge's textbook dropkick proves that he is indeed a master craftsmen of the squared circle.
FICTION (0:58): The IPW does not pipe in canned noise during post-production. They don't need to, what with rabid enthusiasm of the capacity crowd and the electric atmosphere that comes from holding yr cards in a dimly lit elementary school cafeteria.
FACT (1:04): Bulldozer's "chain" bears a striking resemblance to a leather belt.
FACT (1:23): Jumpin' Jeff Farmer might want to rethink his trunks choice of red spandex bike shorts.
FICTION (1:33): Rob Van Dam throws a stiffer looking punch than Jumpin' Jeff Farmer.
FACT (1:42): The preferred way to throw Motley Cruz out of the ring is to have something called Odell Buckingham deliver a forearm shot to the back of his neck.
FICTION (1:52): "Exciting action" and "Pandemonium" are the phrases which most accurately describe the IPW's in-ring product.
Monday, October 11, 2010
While I am uncertain as to the specifics of Mr. Fuji's no doubt well laid and diabolical plans for his smirking and menacing hand gesturing Orient Express tag team to overcome the formidable glasnost inspired combination and flag waving slash crowd pandering antics of Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Nikolai Volkoff, I am certain that Mr. Fuji's tuxedo is vastly superior to Sean Mooney's in thread count, distinguishment, dapperness, fire retardantness, and overall wearability.
I am also certain that wasn't the first time a woman rebuffed the advances and slammed a door in the face of "Mean" Gene Okerlund.
A perennial favorite to replace Rocky Mountain Thunder as Arabian Facebuster's poster boy for rasslin' inexactitude and gracelessness has been under our noses this whole time (well, since July at least): Mr. Jeep Swenson of World Class Championship Wrestling and perturbed at micro-mercenary deposits fame.
Let me make the case for Jeep with my trademark fourth grade sentence structure as you watch him overpower feather mulleted jobber Dusty Wolfe, who bears a striking resemblance to a bloated Mulkey Brother:
(a) He wears a beret.
(b) His punches, while by no means as feeble looking as say Rob Van Dam or Jeff Hardy, are obviously pulled.
(c) He seemingly prefers to fire his opponent into the ropes from the left side of his body, lending credence to my theory that Jeep Swenson is ambidextrous in the sense that he is equally unskilled with both of his hands.
(d) He is a lumbering stiff of the highest order, totally lacking charisma, fluidity of movement, and the ability to bend his legs n' knees inside the squared the circle. Pinning his opponent with his foot while standing up is more than just a gimmick, it is a way of covering up the fact the guy is incapable of rasslin' from any position other than a vertical base.
Jeep Swenson: World's Worst Worker. Whaddya think? Keep searching? A more or less worthy candidate than "The California Kid" Tommy Jammer?
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Friday, October 01, 2010
Report filed by the assuredly sexy and scantily clad action news team from the Hulkster's local (Tampa) Spanish language pop variety FM radio station:
Hulk Hogan no longer has a beef with Cocoa Pebbles.
The celebrity wrestler sued the maker of Cocoa Pebbles cereal, Post Foods LLC, in May claiming that his likeness was being used in an ad without his permission. The St. Petersburg Times reported Wednesday that the suit has been settled.
Hogan - whose real name is Terry Bollea - took issue with a "Cocoa Smashdown" TV ad featuring a blond-haired wrestler with a championship belt and Fu Manchu mustache that bore a striking resemblance to Hogan.
His attorney, Joseph W. Bain, wouldn't disclose the terms of the settlement, but he told the Times that the commercial is no longer being aired and the lawsuit was dismissed Monday.