Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
That leaves Arabian Facebuster no option...in the next 45 minutes, we must find a way to (a) keep the sun high in the sky in perpetuity; or (b) destroy the Hogan compound; (c) destroy the town of Clearwater, Florida in which the Hogan compound is located; or (d) just go ahead and destroy the entire state of Florida.
Sigh, at this 11th hour, I suspect option A might be the most feasible.
Please also file this post under Reason #33 to Despise Hulk Hogan.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Abdullah The Butcher's physical dissection of Randy Hogan is:
(a) Pure catharsis.
(b) Unfortunate in so far as it's not Hulk Hogan on the receiving end.
(c) Gratifying in so far as that Randy Hogan stayed down on the canvas instead of "Hulking up" and delivering some feeble looking and/or ill-timed blows.
(d) Disappointing. The match needed more fork shots to Hogan's follically barren skull.
(e) Meh. I much preferred watching him get taken apart at the hands of NOT ONE BUT TWO great big fatsos.
Be sure to mark your answer completely. Like this.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Facebuster Nation: I have confession and revelation of the shocking variety to make. After last Friday night's inexcusable drubbing and at the hands of Bull Fernandez and Rick Rude, neither Randy or Bill Mulkey can no longer be considered my favorite professional rasslin' jobber. Rather, that awesome honor is now bestowed on one RANDY HOGAN, more for his mockery of Hulk Hogan what with his chromed dome and blond crop duster mustache than for his actual selling and bump and punishment taking abilities.
Hogan's tag team partner -- a piece of dirty, dirty white trash that goes by the name Keith Steinborn -- is no slouch either when it comes to bearing a striking resemblance to other grapplers (think: Dutch Mantell) or putting over the offensive arsenal of the opponents: An ebony and ivory great big fatso tag team combination called The Commandos. Jim Ross and Bob Caudle narrate the action, which took place on the NWA's syndicated Pro Wrestling program circa late 1988/early 1989.
I must admit that I do not remember The Commandos, they must have had just a 2 to 3 week run with the promotion, possibly to fill out The Bunkhouse Stampede battle royal roster. After watching them compete, I think you'll agree the NWA brain trust was wise to cut bait.
Before you click play, be forewarned: Minus a very famous Randy Savage-Hulk Hogan spot executed to perfection by Ebony Commando-Randy Hogan at the 2 minute mark and the finishing splash of racial harmony, the rather plodding, repetitive, and unexciting nature of The Commandos makes this 3 minute squash feel a bit tedious. Therefore, this clip is best watched in the illustrious Friday Night Videos tradition...inebriated beyond any capacity for rational thought, sound judgment, even temperament, or complete and coherent sentence formation with a ravenous cabin fatty
Why does Hulk Hogan have such an insatiable appetite to scam, fleece, and gouge the consumer?!? First, he spends years stinking up the ring and silver screen and, in the process, lining his pockets with our hard earned dollars outlaid in pay per views and tickets. Then, he touts the easy money, unfavorable terms, high interest and penalties business model of 1800loanmart.com Next, after months of legal wrangling, he finally settles his frivolous Cocoa Smashdown lawsuit, compelling Post to raise prices on all of its cereals in order to compensate for the lost earnings.
The Hulkster's latest swindle: Extolling the virtues of Rent-A-Center and its corporate philosophy of having consumers pay a ridiculously inflated markup for the privilege of renting a television, computer, or kitchen appliance with the possibility of taking ownership of said item, at the very point when either its warranty expires or has become obsolete. Oh Brother, indeed!
One thing I don't understand: Why is Rent-A-Center advertising renting to own a TV? Chances are, if you need to rent a TV, you don't have a TV, which means you wouldn't see the commercial in the first place?!?
Just an observation.
Please also file this post under Reason #17 to Despise Troy Aikman.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The sexual misconduct trial of a former Cretin-Derham Hall teacher has been postponed until Feb. 7 because of a scheduling conflict.
Gail Gagne's trial was to start Tuesday with jury questioning in front of Hennepin County District Court Judge Richard Scherer. But Scherer was still presiding over a trial he started last week that ran longer than expected. Because of other scheduling conflicts, Scherer won't be able to hear the Gagne case until next year.
Gagne is accused of two counts of third-degree criminal sexual misconduct. The criminal complaint alleges that in the summer of 2008, when she was 25 and a weight room supervisor at the St. Paul Catholic school , she had sex with a 16-year-old student on two occasions.
Gagne, formerly of Bloomington, became a teacher at the school that fall, but has since left. She is the daughter of pro wrestler Greg Gagne and the granddaughter of Verne Gagne.
A marquee judicial match comes this week with the sexual misconduct trial of a former teacher and weight-room supervisor at Cretin-Derham Hall High School.
The Hennepin County District Court case, expected to start with jury questioning Tuesday, pits a former star football player against the former teacher, Gail Gagne.
The charges allege that Gagne, then 25, had sex on a couple of occasions with the then-16-year-old student she supervised on a work-study program in the school's weight room during the summer of 2008.
Text messages and explicit photographs could be part of the case, although neither side has spoken publicly about the details.
One mystery may be cleared up: Charges weren't filed against Gagne until 2009, a time lapse that hasn't yet been explained. Nor has a witness list yet been submitted to Hennepin County District Judge Richard Scherer.
But the case won't lack for star power.
The lawyers on the case are skilled and experienced litigators. Assistant Hennepin County Attorney Judith Hawley is a veteran of high-profile cases who doesn't sweat a hard fight. She prosecuted former Minnesota Vikings' player Carl Eller for a 2008 fight with two police officers in his garage.
Representing Gagne is defense lawyer Earl Gray, usually described as flamboyant and always capable of Hollywood-style courtroom drama.
Gagne, formerly of Bloomington, comes from a famous Minnesota professional wrestling dynasty: Her father is Greg Gagne and her grandfather the legendary Vern Gagne.
She faces two counts of third-degree criminal sexual conduct. She was hired by the school in November 2007 as an assistant basketball coach and worked as a substitute teacher from January through September 2008. She was then hired as a full-time teacher.
If Gagne is convicted, she will have to register as a predatory offender. But Gray said she wouldn't face prison, since she has a clean criminal history.
Neither Gray nor Hawley would comment on the upcoming trial. Scherer's file on the case is unusually slim; other than the charges, there is only a request from Gray for evidence from prosecutors.
One thing's for certain: Verne Gagne will surely kill again if he's allowed into the court room to confusedly and agitatedly observe the proceedings.
Friday, November 12, 2010
The brothers Mulkey have shaken off that crushing and resounding defeat at the hands of The Road Warriors. They've applied the lessons learned from that match against the awesome Gladiators. They've realized that working together as a well oiled, matching purple trunked unit is much more productive and lucrative than going at it alone. This is the opportunity they have worked so hard for their entire lives. And they are primed to seize the moment.
I suspect that the team with the better stamina and cardiovascular conditioning will wind up prevailing as this contest is bound to go for 15 or 20 minutes and feature plenty of hard-hitting, back & forth action. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this classic encounter between the proverbial irresistible force and immovable object.
Oh shit balls. My bad. Better put the Riunite back in the wine rack, cigar in the humidor, and cabin fatty at the kitchen table.
A few rhetorical rejoinders to these paragraphs filled with the predictable bromides, platitudes, and empty promises of transformation and triumph in the face of tribulation and adversity. (1) To what extent was this "tabloid driven fascination" with the Hulkster and his lamentable family self created, perpetuated, and sought? (2) Leave it to Hogan's I'm sure poorly compensated wordsmiths to deflect any culpability for the auto accident that left Nick's former partner in reckless driving crime Johan Graziano in a vegetative state while not so stealthily altering the focal point of sympathy for the ordeal away from John and onto Nick. (3) A "completely honest" Hulk Hogan? I guess the press release is right, this truly is a Hogan that we've never seen before! (4) Thoughts of Suicide!?!? You mean to tell me we were closer to Hogan Family Death Pool closure than we imagined!?!? (5) Man Bites Dog: Is anybody surprised that this is a Hogan-Hervey-Bischoff orchestrated and funded special?
Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, has been world-famous for almost thirty years. From the fan frenzy of Hulkamania all the way through to the tabloid-driven fascination with his family, Hulk has lived his entire adult life in the public eye. Losing nearly everything in the aftermath of his divorce, a pending lawsuit from his son's tragic car accident, and a body riddled with injuries from years in the ring, Hogan must now start over at a time when he thought he would be happily settled into his retirement. Emotional, and completely honest, "Finding Hulk Hogan" tells his side of the story -- and gives viewers a Hulk Hogan they've never seen before.
The one-hour special premieres Wednesday, November 17 at 10PM ET/PT. Weaving together verite footage, Hogan gives fans a stark glimpse at his entire life, including his darkest moments of depression, thoughts of suicide, alcohol and prescription pill abuse, his broken marriage, losing his entire fortune, deciding to return to Totally Nonstop Action (TNA) wrestling despite severe medical warnings, making amends with his children, finding God and committing to his girlfriend, Jennifer McDaniel. Candid interviews with Hogan and the people in his life help chronicle the ups and downs and round out the story of a man who is trying to rebuild the pieces of his empire and move forward with his life.
And the obligatory concise previews and reviews from our finest television critics and pundits are starting to trickle in. Their assessment...Not good. Ink stained wretch John Griffiths of West Coast vacation trashy mag staple US Weekly offers his voyeuristic and gossipmongering readership this blurb:
Do yr research Griffiths!!! Hulk Hogan is incapable of (a) serious insight; (b) brutally honest introspection; or (c) participating in any project or endeavor that does not entail shameless self-promotion and the reinforcement his grandiose delusions of pop cultural significance and mass adornment.
Wrestler turned reality fixture Hulk Hogan opens up about his divorce, money woes and bout with depression in a tell-all special. Don’t fret: He soon finds God and a career as an exec for TNA Wrestling. Considering his stature in pop culture, this effort could have been a bit more insightful and less self-promotional (italics, Malibu's).
Griffiths' critique is therefore baseless and unfulfillable, yet still feeds the fairly tale of exaltation that Hogan and his lemmings have fashioned.
Sigh. Some days it feels like Arabian Facebuster is the only enterprise in the whole damn (WWE) universe articulating and substantiating these unassailable aforementioned Hulk Hogan facts, vetting all of his insufferable bullshit, and taking on his narcissistic tendencies and sensibilities with contempt, malice, antagonism, animosity, audaciousness, and valor.
It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Marriage requires enormous commitment, sacrifice, and compromise. So hopefully Brooke won't suffer feelings of abandonment, estrangement, or dejection now that her father won't have the time to give her scantily covered lady parts their usual ogling or meticulous fondling.
The license is good for 60 days; it is expires on January 11, 2011. There are 51 days left until Arabian Facebuster's demise; we expire on December 31, 2010.
So do yr worst, Hulkster.
Do yr worst.
Arabian Facebuster jumped the stark when:
(a) The WWE disregarded their demands for a bigger, gayer version of the Viscera character.
(b) Hulk Hogan no longer needed their assistance in revealing and validating his egomaniacal, shameless albeit shameful self-promoting, sleazy, and serpentine like nature.
(c) Randy Orton ceased evacuating his stool in objects other than a toilet bowl.
(d) Buck Zumhofe attempted to hang himself with the clip on tie they mailed to him; the very tie that was the Facebuster's only hope of gaining YouToo eminence and notoriety.
(e) Malibu Sands was the only regular/ongoing blog contributor remaining.
(f) The Undertaker stopped calling.
I vote for choice "F."
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Although our search for the next World's Worst Worker is winding down, last minute enteries into this sweepstakes of atrociousness and talentlessness abound.
The latest nomination: Any and all six-man tag team contest where The American Starship spend the bulk of the match on the apron, apply only their vice like headlock maneuver during their brief tenure in the ring, defer to great big fatsos like The Assassin Number 1, The Super Assassin, and Zambouie Express members Kareem Muhammad and Elijah Akeem to carry the action, and leave the crowd in a decidedly non-electric or frenzied state. David Crockett's rather flat affect and lack of amazement, preoccupation, and infatuation with the raw power, chiseled physiques, and tandem shirtlessness of Eagle and Coyote tells the story.
We'll be announcing our winner next week in a contrived, self-congratulatory 60 minute video special entitled THE DECISION. To paraphrase David Crockett in giddier and bi-curious times, we hope that you WATCH IT!!!!