Friday, January 29, 2010

Chris Jericho + Hurricane Helms + Alcohol= BU$$$TED!

Dateline-The Shell Gas Station in something called Buttermilk Pike, KY. Allow Da Meltz and Da Chico to elaborate on Da Facebuster's behalf: reported today that Gregory Helms allegedly hit several people, including a woman, before the arrest of himself and Chris Jericho at a Shell gas station on Buttermilk Pike in Crescent Springs, KY, just outside of Erlanger, KY, at about 5 a.m. Wednesday morning after the Smackdown/ECW TV tapings.

Police spoke to several members of a group traveling together in a taxi that included Helms, Matt Hardy and Jericho. They alleged Helms struck three people, Jericho, Gary Kelley and Ashley Storer and then ran from the scene when the cab driver pulled over at the gas station. A later police report said Helms also struck a fourth person, who left the scene with him, later identified as Hardy. A witness to the situation said Helms did not hit Storer as reported.

Helms returned to the gas station where he and Jericho were arrested for public intoxication. Hardy didn't return when police had arrived, but no action is being pursued against him.

Helms was not charged with assault because none of the alleged victims would press charges, which is a requirement in the state if police have not witnessed the attack.

Storer told police she didn't want to press charges. Kelly told police he was thinking it over.

"It's hard to say exactly how in depth this fight was," said Kevin Gilpin of the Erlanger police, which responded to the call. "There was a disagreement while they were inside of a cab. When we got there, obviously they were out of the cab and made contact with the police, and were arrested a short time after that."

Both wrestlers were cooperative when the police arrived and have court dates scheduled for February 16 at Kenton District Court on the misdemeanor charge. Both men were released at about 7 a.m. after posting $120 bond.

"We get there and they basically say Helms kind of turned into an ass and starts kind of getting physical iside the cab," Gilpin said.

Helms had a cut above his right eye in his mug shot, although it was not stated where the cut came from.

This whole early morning, alcohol fueled escapade cum rampage at the Upland South's Kum & Go Pump N Munch equivalent evokes more questions than it provides actual answers. Why would anyone -- let alone the caliber of Y2J -- want to hang with, around, or for that matter anywhere in an eye shot of the insufferable Shane Gregory Helms? Do The Hurricane's punches pack any kind of might, fury, or pain whatsoever? Who the hell are Gary Kelley and Ashley Storer? Is this some kind of magical clown cab or, conversely, a handicap accessible van-cab like the one Pencil Neck Geek and I caught on our way back from a night of falafel (more specifically, the waiting and waiting for followed by the devouring of), kang, drunken dog walking, and keg stand assistance related indulgences during last year's 3rd Annual AFSC&FC? Otherwise, how does one explain five (at minimum) passengers plus one cab driver no doubt redolent of stale instant coffee, urine, and car air freshener in one vehicle? How will the WWE punish these superstars? By having Jericho and Helms do high profile jobs at Wrestle Mania and the upcoming Beaumont, TX house show, respectively? And what of Matt Hardy: Should we interpret his continued tag team alliance on the Friday night muthaship otherwise known as Smackdown! with The Great Khali as (1) retaliatory, (2) compensatory for having to languish in ECW for all of those months, or (3) simply as more evidence of the directionless, deteriorating, sterile nature of the contemporary WWE product?

That is all.

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