Brooke Hogan: Still Built Ford Tough

ITEM: There is no need for the thick cut pork slab filled with vacuous and infantile thoughts and about one and one-half bills worth of silicon, Venti Latte's, Duncan Hines cake frosting, White Castle sliders, and Rey Mysterio Jr. look-alike spooge otherwise known as Brooke Hogan to join the upcoming cast of VH1's Celebrity Fit Club.

First off, her caliber of celebrity is far too low grade for that show, what with it's illustrious history of helping Hollywood's best and brightest -- Tina Yothers, Dustin Diamond, the Snapple Lady, Charles In Charge's Willie Ames, the lead singer of Warrant (Jani/Jamie Lane?), 1/2 of the gay brother power ballad super group Nelson, Gunner Nelson, 227's resident filthy, filthy whore Jackee, Josie from the smash hit Josie Love's Chachi, and presumably at one point some former cast member or members of the socially and politically conscious oblivious sit-com What's Happening (probably Shirley or Rerun or Dwayne or that fat woman who played the mom, or that petulant lil' cream puff Dee...pretty much anybody but the wafer thin Raj) -- shed the extra pounds and get their promising careers back on track.

Secondly, she's decided to go into the fat burning business herself...by hawking something called Paraslim Natural Weight Loss.

With Brooke being so eager to lend her name and therefore her reputation to this ground breaking new product, one could only assume it delivers the intended slimming, sexy results. *Scours interwebs for recent, preferably bikini-clad, photo of the blond ex-Sasquatch with hip-pop musical sensibilities in question.*

Yikes! Time for Brooke to try Plan B: The Cocaine Diet.