Man Crush

This whole Hulk Hogan molesting his daughter brouhaha got me thinking... If presented the opportunity, which sports entertainment luminaries would I allow to lay their filthy, filthy hands all over my fragile person? After many restless nights filled with introspection, vacillation, bargaining, disinclination, unsuccessful attempts to take my own life, and begrudging acceptance, I can state with total certainty that the only wrestling personality that yours truly Malibu Sands would allow to fondle apply sunscreen to my posterior, my inner thigh, and (*crosses fingers and toes*) my choad would be American Wrestling Association ring announcer, interviewer, occasional play-by-play man, and steadfast cocaine fiend Larry Nelson.

After viewing the clip embedded above, I am confident that the rank-n-file Facebusteroids would also be willing to sacrifice their bodies to this shaggy, shoddily tailored blazer wearing man, lingering mental health disorders and damages be damned. It couldn't be any more psychologically harmful than say having to endure watching a video of X-Pac pounding Chyna's orifices into gory submission.

And for Stan Hansen's "Simon" to Nelson's "Garfunkel" (or if you prefer, use "Hall" and "Oates" as points of comparison) in building up a match with Leon White (pre-Big Van and/or The Man They Call Vader), please also consider this Reason B.2 that we watch THE professional rasslin'.