Tuesday, May 06, 2008

It's Tuesday!? Already!?

God dammit.

Anyhoo, I want apologize for shirking my self-inflicted duty of recapping Mike Adamle's sound of tranquil silence interrupting blather last Tuesday in favor of drinking specially lined can upon specially lined can of Keystone Light and partaking in the most critically lauded televisual programming that this proud country has to offer..."American Idol" followed by "Hell's Kitchen" followed by the entire first season of episodes of "My Two Dads" on DVD...in the company of Aimee, her precocious 21 month year old daughter, and her folks. Seeing as how I wasn't invited back to watch Idol, HK, and M2D: The Complete Second Season with them this week -- I guess passing out in the baby's crib in a puddle of my own filth and cloud of my own stench does not make one an appreciated house guest -- I'll reluctantly fulfill my obligation of recapitulating tonight's 100th episode of ECW on Sci-Fi.

If ignorance is bliss, then up until last night Mike Adamle was in a state of unadulterated exaltation. Unfortunately, that state of being came crashing down big time on RAW is WAR The War Zone when His Exalted Commissioner William Regal pulled Good Ol' JR from his car crash comparing, hoss admiring, upcoming pay per view shilling, barbecue sauce peddling commentary duties in favor of Mike Adamle as punishment to the audience for not showing his administrating highness the proper, dignified respect. The producers fed and Adamle delivered some obviously premediated, self-conscious and intentionally specious, bungled, hackneyed play-by-play as opposed to just letting Adamle do what Adamle does best...deliver spontaneous, unaware and unintentionally specious, bungled, hackneyed play-by-play. Hopefully this angle of forcing Adamle to come across as incompetent is quickly forgotten/dropped so Adamle won't have to deal with the added pressure of having to rehearse sounding atrocious and just trust his initial impulses and tendencies...incorrectly identifying maneuvers (or at least acknowledging them with the vaguest language possible), recapping his conversations with the likes of Mike Knox and Jimmy Yang from earlier in the day, and getting worked up into a frenzy over Kofi Kingston.

Alright, let the semi-live inanity commence:

9:00PM: A montage of memories from the first 99 episodes opens the show. What wrestling fan could ever forget The Boogeyman regurgitating worms, Kelly Kelly slapping Layla(?), and Vince McMahon: ECW Heavyweight Champion?

9:01: Adamle's introduced by the ring announcer and comes down to explain why he bailed out of the announce position during the main event last week. He apologizes to the fans and to (The) Tazz for letting the pressure of having to remember wrestlers names and advance storylines get to him. To his credit, Adamle is contrite and vows to recommit himself to professionalism. Not five seconds later, he stumbles over the phrase "100th episode."

9:07: Dreamer vs. Knox in a extreme rules match curtain jerks. Adamle on Knox: Once he gets in the ring, he becomes psychopathic...with intensity.

9:10: "An extreme garbage can to the head. Have mercy."

9:12 Dreamer retrieves a "picnic table" from underneath the ring.

9:14: Knox picks up the victory with a corkscrew DDT on the chair. Sez Adamle..."The Knox Out...The Mike Knox Out."

9:14: "What shakes like jelly jelly? It's Kelly Kelly."

9:15: 100th episode flashback...inaugural edition of the ECW on Sci Fi...The Zombie is in the ring -- presumably in search of brains -- and gets Singapore caned by The Sandman for his troubles. Remember The Zombie!? Ah memories.

9:17: Pardon me for a few minutes, I need to grab my cork screw and fishbowl challis. Wine will provide me the numbness needed to endure.

9:27: Backstage interview segment with Chuck Palumbo. For a callous badass biker, Palumbo sure does have pretty hair.

9:27: Shelton Benjamin is out to join the commentary team for Kofi vs. Matt Striker. Adamle vows to interrogate Benjamin with regard to his two match losing streak to Jamaican Me Crazy.

9:30: Drop kick landed on Striker's forehead. Adamle reports that he asked Kofi "earlier today" how high his is vertical leap is. Although Kofi doesn't know, Adamle says he told him it was "off the charts."

9:32: Oh, no. My fishbowl is perilously close to empty. Time to toggle the spigot on this box of hearty burgundy to "gush."

9:36: Delany vs. Estrada is up next. After a couple of minutes of vacillating between this and the shameless she-bot in the turquoise pant suit screeching at her supporters on CNN about her soon to be abandoned campaign, I conclude that watching a power hungry, cynical, conniving yet dejected Hillary is the lesser of two evils.

9:50: Neely/Chavo vs. Kane/Punk to close the show. Morrison and Miz are the latest cavalcade of superstars out to assist with commentary and in order to keep Adamle from screwing up (read: talking) as best they can. All things considered, the Miz gets some pretty clever barbs in on Adamle, including asking him what he would call particular moves. I'm starting to warm up to this guy!

10:03: Adamle says "Have Mercy"...again. Indeed.

Alright, Malibu needs to catch some shut eye. Time to apply the sleeper hold on myself and pass out with only an alarm on my CD player (set to "Hulkster's In The House" from the eponymous release from Hulk Hogan & The Wrestling Boot Band) available to revive me.

Kids, don't try this at home.


Pencil Neck Geek said...

Adamle's friendship with NBC bigwig Dick Ebersol is really paying off. Maybe next week Ebersol's wife Susan St. James can sit in for Tazz and revive the announcing career she walked away from after Wrestlemania 2.

Malibu Sands said...

You mean the most popular actress in the world today...Ms. Susan St. James!?