Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I Bet that Every Night is Tuesday Night...

...in hell.

I am dreading having to spend another night snorkeling in the cesspool of sports entertainment otherwise known as the ECW on Sci-Fi. Therefore, I have attached a seatbelt to my couch and strapped myself in just in case I am no longer able to resist the ever-present urge to flee. I am also wearing a pair of boxing gloves (no shirt or pants, just boxing gloves) so I will not be able to unfasten the buckle and latch. And to prevent any channel changing, I have placed my remote control in a lockbox that I won on Ebay, purported to be the actual lockbox that Al Gore vowed to place all of our government entitlement programs in during the 2000 presidential campaign. Best $1,800 I ever spent.
Worry not dear reader; as always, I have my trusty fishbowl -- this week filled to the brim with the finest Arbor Mist Strawberry White Zinfandel, mass produced for the most discriminating oenophile who can't stand the taste of an already sweetish grape varietal not further infused/manipulated with syrupy, cloying, artificial fruit flavoring -- within reach via my elongated crazy bendy drinking straw.

Let the torture commence.

9:00PM:We're in Colorado Springs, CO. Adamle promises that tonight's edition of ECW will bring the altitude AND the attitude. Already desperate to escape, I double check that my boxing gloves aren't cinched on too tight. No such luck.

9:04: Big Shew vs. Tommy Dreamer curtain jerks. Adamle likens Tommy Dreamer to the guy in the NFL you'd want to give the ball to on 3rd and 1 to pick up the first down. The running back? To all the NFL owners and general managers reading this post: If it's a 2-14 record you're after, then Mike Adamle would make a fine head football coach for your organization.

9:06: To the astonishment of absolutely no one over 6 years old who watches wrestling on an infrequent basis or greater, except of course for Mike Adamle, Shew goes over Dreamer in rather convincing fashion. To my delight, Adamle refers to the choke slam as a "body slam" and describes its effects as "excruelciating." Vintage Adamle!

9:13: Shelton Benjamin joins in on commentary. Jamaican Me Crazy vs. Mike Knox, who Adamle describes as "hostile, mobile, and agile," is up next.

9:14: Mike Knox's untamed facial hair suggests that he'll be heading on tour with the barefoot, overalls adorned, southern rock noodling lads in My Morning Jacket this summer.

9:18: "Let's switch positions." Me: Buckled into my couch, drinking wine out of a straw, blogging about this bastardized version of ECW, and contemplating the quickest, least painful way to take my own life. You: Earning a ridiculously inflated salary for blathering on for an hour on Tuesday night and offering the viewing audience absolutely nothing else of merit, even by the admittedly low standards of Vince McMahon's sports entertainment enterprise. Yes, let's.

9:20: Kofi over Knox via some flippity floppity offense. Post-match beat down of Kofi by Knox and Benjamin. Yr syntax error of the week, written in punk rock shorthand: "Shelton is frm th' skool o' hard knox that Mike is."

9:29: Punk vs. Chavo is up now. Adamle wishes to correct the public record and notes that Tazz has in fact never been in a Singapore cane match...except with his wife. Hay-Oooohhhh!

9:32: 2 for 1's on wrestling cliches..."Both men won't give an inch, that's for sure," followed by "It's all about momentum." I strive to find a way to asphyxiate myself with the seatbelt.

9:33: "And somewhere they are watching this match." Adamle is just terrible tonight.

9:34: Chavo trying to wear CM down by "riding him a little bit." And with that, the fourteenth suggestive or more specifically homoerotic euphemism of the night, we suddenly cut to commercial.

9:40: Chavo counters out of the GTS. "Reversal of fortune!" exclaims Adamle.

9:42: The cliches are firing on all cylinders for Adamle this evening: "Chavo snatches victory from the jaws of defeat." Punk loses semi-clean...AGAIN. The reason I say "semi" is because Chavo held the tights while picking up the fall. Sez Adamle: "Bottom line Tazz, it's all legal." This guy is absolutely worthless.

9:43: Footage of Tommy Dreamer after going over Taz for the ECW Title in April, 2000 (if you recall Mike Awesome defected to WCW while holding the title and then was forced to drop it to Taz, who then laid down for Dreamer in the ECW Arena a few days later, who then laid down for Justin Credible mere minutes after wrapping up his promo) and then cutting an impassioned and genuine promo in the ECW Arena is the only thing on this show to bring a smile to my face and make me not ashamed to be fan of professional wrestling.

9:50: Main event time. Morrison/Miz vs. Kane in a handicapable match. I can barely keep up with the gibberish that Adamle is unleashing on Sci-Fi airwaves this evening.

9:52: "The man, the Miz, the legend." Maybe he's earned that reputation amongst collectors of gay midget pornography, but certainly not with grizzled veterans like JBL, Hardcore Holly, or The Undertaker.

9:57: Ringside Sign O' The Year Nominee: "Marry Me Kane."

10:00: The tag champs are disqualified for excessive and illegal double teaming. I'm surprised Adamle didn't retort with the ol' "bottom line, its all legal" argument.

10:03: PPV hard sell post-match brawl between the five ONS combatants plus Miz and Kane. At the end, only Shew and Kane are left standing. Sez Adamle: "Is the world ready for these two giants with a Singapore cane in their hands?" If Arabian Facebuster is doing One Night Stand prognostications, get me down on the Big Shew in a sub-8 minute contest.

Per my contractual obligations, thank whatever deities Mike Adamle does not worship that I only have one more episode of ECW on Sci-Fi left to recap.

Finally, I can get back to giving full attention to my reruns of The George Lopez Show blog. A word of advice kids...never bet a Mexican patron at Augie's "my precious time." Ever.


Jeremy said...

Another excellent review. Now I don't have to watch. I think you should contimue these. Also, how about some new reviews of AWA Championship Wrestling? Rocky Mountain Thunder has continued tearing throught the ranks as of late, despite your declaration that it would be his first and last appearance a few weeks ago. He's unstoppable. Larry Nelson's beard and drinking problem are completely out of control. There can't be many episodes left. Thanks.

Pencil Neck Geek said...

I can't believe this series is almost over. Bless your brave journalism Mister Sands- it's like Hunter S. Thompson meets Upton Sinclair meets Bill Apter. I raise my fishbowl to you, kind sir!