We're just minutes away from the passion towards professional wrestling sucking vortex otherwise known as the ECW on Sci-Fi. Better make sure I've got everything to guarantee maximum enjoyment of Mike Adamle's insipid drivel.
My remote control with a fresh set of batteries? Check.
A strong Wi-Fi connection? Check.
My fishbowl topped to the brim with Franzia White Grenache? (much like the University of Puget Sound has a reputation in the academic community of being the Harvard of the West, Franzia White Grenache is considered by oenophiles to be the Chateau Petrus of boxed wines) Check.
A sugar bowl carefully positioned on the coffee table, filled with Ambien? Check.
My trusty pistol by my side, just in case the sleeping pills don't promptly deliver their intended affect? Check.
Our loyal intern Chip's number on speed dial in the off chance that I happen to change my mind and need to be picked up and transported to the nearest hospital to get my stomach pumped and that bullet lodged in one of my vital organs dislodged? Check.
And we're off!
9:03PM: Backstage, Colin Delaney signs his ECW contract. GM Estrada informs him that he'll be facing Mike Knox later tonight. I top off the ol' fishbowl. It's going to be an excruciating 60 minutes.
9:05: Adamle notes that at Judgment Day, the team of Kane and CM Punk will challenge the team of Kane and John Morrison for the tag team titles. I can't wait!
9:05: Punk vs. Miz curtain jerks.
9:06: "Punk doing a great job riding the Miz."
9:08: Adamle refers back to something (The) Taz(z) said earlier about Miz really bringing the intensity and expounds on that point with the lack of credibility, conviction, and depth of thought that we have come expect from him...its too bad Tazz has mentioned nothing of the sort during this matchup.
9:10: A 2-4-1 on Adamle quotes: "As things do happen in this ECW..." and his new trademark "Have Mercy!"
9:12: Miz goes over Punk. In the world of WWE even-steven booking, you know what this means: Punk and Kane will be going over Morrison and Kane for the tag titles on Sunday's PPV.
9:13: Ladies tag team action is up next. Adamle proclaims he has "diva fever."
9:22: The female faces go over in six diva tag team action... Victoria, Layla, ???, Michelle McCool, Cherry, and Kelly Kelly were involved in this complete waste of time. Seriously, I'd rather watch that Sci-Fi reality show where 8 aspirant losers compete to become the next super hero. No, I'm not making that up, it was actually a show on Sci-Fi...green lighted for at least two seasons.
9:25: Adamle throws it to ethnic interviewer Lena Yada -- "Yada Yada Yada Yada Yada!" he exclaims -- in the back with Shelton Benjamin, who gets interrupted and attacked by Jamaican Me Crazy.
9:33 We're in the middle of our obligatory weekly highlight package bookended by commercials for Axe body spray, violent video games and movie trailers, and motor oil. I pass the time playing Russian Roulette.
9:36: Delaney vs. Knox is up, along with a quick plug for this Sunday's Judgment Day PPV, presented by Rambo. Adamle wonders aloud "if Rambo has ever run into Mike Knox." I grab a handful of Ambien and swallow.
9:39: Knox over Delaney convincingly, followed by Estrada coming to the ring for an impromptu match against the laid out Delaney. Shades of the old ECW! Sure, except for the third rate wrestling talent in, fourth rate fans surrounding, and fifth rate play-by-play announcer around the ring.
9:47: Main Event (?) time featuring tag team partners Kane and Morrison colliding! Totally watchable small vs. big man match so far.
9:50: Adamle is like the pro wrestling version of Food Network personality Giada De Laurentiis with his over-enunciated albeit ethnically/linguistically correct pronunciation of "Chavo Guerrero." Hey Adamle, where's the love for Lena Yada?
9:51: We unexpectedly fade to commercial interruption as Adamle neglects to inform us that "we'll be right back."
10:02: Morrison gets the win over Kane via belt shot to the head. Disregard my earlier PPV tag team title match prognostication. It could be either Kane & Punk or Kane & Morrison going over on Sunday. Adamle closes the show by haplessly plugging Sunday's PPV.
*Thanks to the Florida Evans character from Good Times, specifically her delayed grieving to the passing of her husband James Evans, for inspiring the title of the post.