Seeing as how the amount of energy and creativity I put into these semi-live scrutinies of The Mike Adamle Show on Sci-Fi is inversely proportional to the volume of mispronounced wrestler names, misidentified moves, puerile expressions, uncomfortable albeit amicable time killing banter with broadcast colleague (The) Tazz, and wholly worthless observations that spew from his yapper, I am going to take a different tact this week in hopes of karmically generating some USDA Prime Grade blog fodder.
No more elaborate set-ups for sitting down to watch what TV Guide calls "the longest 60 minutes on television."
No more running inside gags or tackling sensitive subject matter (see last week's hilarious and lighthearted look at suicide for a richer illustration of this point).
No more getting my writing over at the expense of the ECW in-ring talent or the ignoramuses responsible for calling their matches and explaining their motivations.
No more cup overfloweth with 5 liters of delicious, temporary blindness inducing Franzia Sunset Blush, the Cadillac of boxed wines...Whoa, whoa, perhaps I'm getting a bit carried away here.
Alright, let's do this:
9:00PM: Adamle welcomes us to the ECW on Sci-Fi as we join Estrada in the ring with Punk, Dreamer, Chavo, and Morrison. El Jefe declares a former ECW Champion, fatal four way, Singapore cane match to determine the #1 contender to the ECW Title for ONS, as well as a heels vs. faces tag team match for later in the show. After swallowing a mouthful of white blush I exclaim aloud, "Have Mercy!"
9:05: Mike Adamle, alongside The(!) Tazz welcomes us to the ECW on Sci-Fi...again.
9:06: "The man who is so cool his aura can be felt from outer space, The Miz." I dig through the trash in search of the Ambien I discarded after last week's episode.
9:06: The Miz will be facing Kane right NOW. Adamle advises the Miz to "be careful for what you wish for." If only he had talked to the Miz earlier in the day and offered up such wisdom.
9:09: Adamle's phrase du jour: "There's no question about that."
9:10: An Adamle double shot: "Kane's so good with his legs" followed by "Miz is on three dollar bill street right now."
9:11: Miz over Kane via DQ when Kane refuses to break a choke hold at the count of five. Kane continues to inflict punishment after the bell, including setting up the Miz's neck in chair and proceeding to the "third rope." Adamle is worried that Kane could cause the decapitation of the Miz. We here at Arabian Facebuster can only dare to dream.
9:19: Jamaican Me Crazy vs. "The Man That They Call The Gold Standard" is up next.
9:24: "Unos, dos, adios." Benjamin puts an end to Kofi's undefeated streak. Somewhere in a state of the art video editing lab in the outskirts of Portland, the Rev. Von Fury weeps inconsolably.
9:30: Kelly Kelly and Colin Delaney vs. Layla and "Mike Skool of Hard Knox" (ugh) opens up the bottom of the hour. Adamle informs the audience that "Mike Knox has a stare that can burn through steel." I pick up a ball pein hammer, rear back, and pound my cranium.
9:32: Kelly finishes off Layla with her newly christened finishing maneuver, the K2. Adamle helpfully informs the simpletons and those viewers who happened to earn a "D" or lower in their remedial high school math and science classes that this stands for "Kelly squared." I stick my head in the freezer and slam the door. Repeatedly.
9:32: Hard Knox attacks Delaney after the match, which Adamle characterizes as "pure evil." Somewhere in a Wyoming Wal-Mart, Toolie South beams with pride.
9:33: It's deja vu all over again as a jacked to the gills El Jefe comes out and quickly pins Delaney in an impromptu match. How Estrada hasn't been suspended for a wellness policy violation at this point is beyond me.
9:43: It's main event time!
9:44: It's fifth commercial interruption of the evening time!
9:52: Adamle claims he thought he saw Tazz wrestle in a Singapore cane match in ECW. Initially confused, Tazz regains his bearings and renounces Adamle's assertion unequivocally, realizing that in the WWE alternative reality universe, the pre-2ooo ECW ceased to exist since the firing of Paul Heyman, the burial and/or purging of the gang of "ECW originals" from the roster, and the abatement of incoming revenue from the ONS-ECW reunion show of 2005.
9:59: Chavo boots Punk in the face. Sez The Tazz: "Not a fun way to spend a Tuesday night." Tell me about it.
10:01: Old habits die hard..."Punk needs to make the tap to Dreamer."
10:02: Dreamer gets the tag and is a proverbial house of fire. Adamle envisions Dreamer saying to Morrison as he reigns down worked blows upon him, "How do ya like me now baby." I say, the odds of somebody ordered to wear a shirt when they wrestle (Dreamer) picking up the victory tonight or at ONS are on par with The Big Shew actually fulfilling Ric Flair's prophecy at this year's Hall of Fame Ceremony that Shew could dominate the business if he wanted. Seconds later, Chavo pins Dreamer. Then the aforementioned Big Shew's music hits. And the Big Shew waddles down to the ring! The Big Shew's back...in ECW!? I say, Have Mercy! Shew executes a few choke slams, grabs the mike and reminds El Jefe and the ADD addled fan base that -- in case they've forgotten (natch!) -- he's a former ECW Champion and therefore he "wants in" the Singapore Cane Match at ONS. And I desperately want out...for Chrise sakes TV screen, fade to black already.
10:03: Mercifully, Adamle puts an end to my hour of misery with a concluding vow to heed the Big Shew's reminder: "Let us just say, we'll never forget again." I once again pick up a ball pein hammer, rear back, and pulverize my genitals into a fine paste in celebration that the show has ended.
Is there a urologist in the house?