After a lengthy and arduous seven day sabbatical away from the spotlight, the time has finally come for the greatest professional wrestler of all time to make his eagerly-awaited return. Tonight, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair embarks on what promises to be the most illustrious and triumphant comeback since the resurrection of Jesus Christ via the CBS part celeb-reality show-part talent competition-all formulaic claptrap, Secret Talents of the Stars.
Hey Naitch, what took you so long?
Flair and his clandestine salsa dancing exploits will be on display as he competes against a cavalcade of Hollywood's biggest and brightest, including washed up figure skater Sasha Cohen, ex-Donald Trump spooge receptacle Marla Maples, Girls Next Door co-star Bridget Marquardt (not the blond imbecile with the fake tits that is allegedly banging Hugh Heffner or the blond imbecile with the fake tits whose cognitive faculties make the contestants on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? seem like dues paying, rank-n-file members of Mensa by comparison...the other one), the Asian guy from Star Trek, something called Jo Dee Messina, black nationalist Malcolm Jamal Warner (not to be confused with the militant black separatist "Malcolm" Jaleel White), and America's favorite angry, drug addicted, mentally imbalanced fire crotch Danny Bonaduce, pictured above -- sporting the third worst outfit ever depicted on this blog's hallowed pages -- just moments before erupting into a blind range and walloping the shit out of a malnourished Joe Isuzu with his adorable twin unicycles.
And not a stranger to a red carpet procession among them!
Last time I this was giddy to watch a show on CBS: The premier of Armed and Famous. Honorable mention: Any episode of Major Dad.
Late Update: It appears that winning this competition is at least in part predicated on receiving the most telephone calls and interweb clicks from the humanoids watching at home. Advantage: DPITG (Dirtiest Player in the Game...I'm trying to incorporate a new acronym into our contemporary parlance). If you recall, Flair was running a strong second to the aforementioned Lord n' Savior in Time Magazine's Person of the Century online poll before eventually being disqualified due to unsubstantiated, highly dubious, and no doubt politically motivated allegations of virtual ballot stuffing. Disenfranchisements, conspiracies, and resentments aside, the bottom line is that, in cyberspace, Flair is a more revered figure than Gahndi. He's more transcendent than Martin Luther King, Jr. More gifted than Picasso. More transformative than F.D.R. And more profound than Einstein.
So how are the likes of Sheila E. or Ben Stein going fare against an icon who has earned the admiration and respect of mouse jockeys and keyboard warriors everywhere?
Something tells me, not very well.