Thursday, April 24, 2008

Racially Inappropriate Newsflash!

Item! Tag team legend/backstage fixture/T-Shirt shill Michael "P.S." Hayes has been suspended by the WWE for 60 days! The WWE claims he made "illicit remarks" to "The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry! The ever-accurate claims the two men were drinking at a party over Wrestlemania weekend! Hayes told Henry "I'm more of a nigger than you are"! Shock horror!

This riveting tale of racial tension and cellulite begs several key questions.
First, what exactly was Hayes trying to say? In a physical sense, his statement is patently untrue. While Hayes has certainly packed on a few extra pounds in recent years, Mark Henry is clearly the bigger... well, the bigger anything! If Hayes meant "nigger" in the Chris Rock-inspired "ignorant motherfucker" sense, the may have been closer to the mark. Mark Henry is a former Olympian with a degree from Texas A&M, while Hayes is... well, Michael Hayes is the kind of guy who says "nigger" in front of a four-hundred pound African American fellow. Advantage (?) Hayes!

Second, what does the suspension mean for the future of the sport? Who will sucker-punch MVP in awkwardly-paced interview segments? Who will sell discounted Terry Funk T-Shirts? Who will do whatever the hell else Michael Hayes does (TMZ sez he's a WWE writer, which could explain a lot of things)? Will they replace HIM with Mike Adamle as well?

Third, why the fuck is the WWE publicizing this? They could just as easily have shuffled Hayes out of the public eye (it's not like we were looking for him) and said no more about it. In an era where gym-bag crappers and hotel-trashers get off with barely a harsh scolding, it seems like pure folly to invite media scrutiny by publicly suspending a man who no one in the mainstream media even gives two shits about.

Ah, well. Hopefully Hayes has learned his lesson. Otherwise he might proclaim himself "a bigger retard than Randy Orton" while pre-funking for Judgement Day.

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