Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Quotent Quotables...Adamle Style!

Per my comeuppance for that pompous, impetuous, and in hindsight inadvisable Clinton-Obama-WWE bet I made (I presume that wagering against yourself is a sure sign of a gambling problem), let the first week of semi-live blogging the choicest quotes emanating from the mush mouth that is Mike Adamle commence.

9:00pm: We're off...I was not aware that ECW was no longer using "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" as its opening theme, instead going with a far more palatable soundtrack to a premeditated high-school shooting spree.

9:01: "Super Tuesday in Pennsylvania. Super Tuesday in Greensboro North Carolina."

9:04: I have the feeling that I just witnessed the birth of Mike Knox's new nickname..."The Devastator."

9:06: Dreamer/Kelly Kelly vs. Knox/Layla is up. Adamle has twice called a "tag" something other than a tag...a "tap" and a "touch." Curious. I'm quite certain that even the most hostile or indifferent individual towards professional rasslin'/sports entertainment would be able to understand the concept of and/or correctly identify a "tag."

9:07: Adamle needs to improve his reaction time... he proclaimed "there's a cover" just as the ref's hand was coming down for the three count.

9:13: Fuck yeah, John Morrison in singles action. Aw, hell-to-the-no, the Miz is joining Adamle and Tazz on commentary. Sign of the apocalypse? Or well deserved payback for my transgressions over the past two decades?

9:14: According to Adamle, John Morrison has "eight pack abs."

9:16: The Miz is just tearing into Adamle... "Is he (Jimmy Wang Yang) Jamaican you crazy," and "The Tazz" in particular. I am assuming this is a Vince sanctioned burial of the new voice of extreme!?

9:18: Adamle regarding Jimmy Wang Yang's upset victory over Morrison: "He'll put that in his scrap book." I think Adamle is confusing Yang with Jest Harvey.

9:23: Wisely, they have chosen to air a thorough recap of the "King of the Ring" tournament and run down of the entire Backlash card instead of giving Adamle a few more minutes to misidentify even more wrestling holds and maneuvers.

9:26: Backstage with Kofi Kingston stretching in preparation for his match with Shelton Benjamin. Upon seeing his opponent -- "Woh, snap!"

9:32: Kofi/Benjamin is up now. Totally solid TV match. Kofi's a goofy character, but like our dear Rev. has pointed out to me, his high-flying, fast-paced style is fun to watch. Unfortunately, Adamle belittles the athletic prowess of both men by qualifying they are amongst the better competitors "in ECW." Breaking news: Mike Adamle hates black people.

9:35: In all seriousness, Taz(z) is doing a great job covering up for Adamle's glaring announcing limitations by calling the action, identifying moves and explaining/selling their psychology.

9:36: "Jamaican Me Crazy Kofi Kingston, still undefeated."

9:41: A highlight package of the whole Clintons vs. Obama inanity. Back from commercial and Adamle congratulates HRC for winning the Pennsylvania primary. Arabian Facebuster would also like to extend its best wishes to HRC on her decisive albeit ultimately meaningless victory as far as the Democratic nomination is concerned...congratulations you vengeful, cynical, ego maniacal, power hungry, heartless bitch.

9:44: Another week, another forgotten "E." Adamle plugs the web site "w-w-dot-com."

9:47: It's "main event interview segment" time. Edge and his flunkies are out to bring us a "rare" (according to Adamle) edition of "The Cutting Edge" with special guest Kane. Your faithful scribe pours himself a generous glass (i.e. a fishbowl) of wine.

9:55-10:04: More detached and insincere shock and outrage from Adamle as Edge and his minions hold down Kane so Chavo can pummel his leg with the padded/cushioned side of a steel chair. Mmm, this wine is "Jamaican me crazy!"

10:05: Thank God its over. That hour felt like three. Adamle certainly wasn't as unabashedly wretched as his debut last week or that whole Jest Harvey fiasco at the Rumble, but make no mistake about it, at no point in tonight's broadcast did he approach anything resembling professional wrestling announcing competence, even by the most most liberal definitions of that word and generous interpretations of his performance.

The next five weeks are going to be excruciating.

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