Bobby Lashley: Guy

Nature, dear readers, abhors a vacuum. So it is that, with our beloved Sabu's recent release from the clammy embrace of Extreme Championship Wrestling, we find ourselves casting wildly about for some flicker of personality among the show's remaining headliners. Attracted almost by the grim absence of animus, our gaze falls on the placid features of one Robert Lashley.

We have crafted an unflattering comparison. It glowers from the top of this post.

How tragic, then, that this gentleman is Vince McMahon's Chosen One. The wrestler upon whose broad shoulders rests the entire ECW brand. Consider the awesome burden placed on this tranquil Atlas. The glorious history and dubious future of ECW are in his massive ham-hands. He is YOUR main event, ECW faithful.

And he would fit right in here.

Clearly, something must be done. The man needs a massive gimmick overhaul if he is to restore our onetime favorite Wrestling Federation to its former glory. It goes almost without saying that Arabian Facebuster has just such a gimmick.

Bobby Lashley: Guy. It's magic. It's simple. It poses no challenge to Mr. Lashley's meager thespian skills. All the guy has to do is make constant references to his "regular guy" status. He shows no emotion, he doesn't rage around the ring. He just cuts the most simple and declarative promos ever.

An example:

Vince McMahon: Bwahaha! I have stolen your ECW belt, Bobby Lashley! And if you ever want a rematch, you cannot lay a finger on me or Shane-O-Mac or even Umaga! Bwahaha!

Bobby Lashley: Vince, I'm just a guy. And this guy really wants that belt back. I'm frustrated that I can't attack you, but willing to abide by the rules so I can get a shot at my belt. Because this guy sure does want that belt, guy.

Vince: You'll never get this belt! And there's nothing you can do about it! That must be eating you up inside!

Bobby: (sighs) Yes. I am one upset guy. You and all your guys are really being mean, guy. I'm just a guy. A guy who is upset. And a guy who wants his belt back. Oh, and also revenge. (sighs) Guy.

See? It's ratings gold. The crowd will eat it up, just like they did with that ridiculous "what" thing that Steve Austin used to do. Imagine 20,000 fans all chanting "guy" at random intervals. It will be glorious, and soothing like the sound of the tide.

So please, WWE. Implement our program. Let Bobby Lashley be the guy he was born to be, and watch as ECW's buy rate goes through the roof.

Oh, and also turn him gay.