Why We Watch, Exhibit I.3

Don't let Larry Nelson's baggy eyes, shaggy hair, mouthing of the script, and all around haggard malaise distract you, let alone the presence and non-contributions of tag team partner Doug "Pretty Boy" Summers and manager Sherri Martel, this clip is all about the swagger of "Playboy" Buddy Rose, a grandiosity, vanity, overconfidence, and conceit that he conveyed so effortlessly and vividly (and I'm sure took absolute pleasure in doing so) throughout his career.

Enjoy.

RIP -- "Playboy" Buddy Rose

One of the mainstays of the Portland wrestling territory is gone, but most certainly will not be forgotten.

Apollo's most excellent depiction on Mr. Perschmann's inimitable style and pomposity can be enjoyed here.

What In The World Have We Here, Part 2

A glossy eyed, yet to de-pants Buck "Rock and Roll" Zumhoffe-refereeing a match between a midget in a pair of Payless Shoe Source sneakers and a only slightly taller chick wearing moccasin boots-in a compact ring erected in the middle of a prairie-on a mat that may or may not be a water bed-surrounded by seating constructed out of boards and cinder blocks-at the town of Webster Minnesota's 2007 Harvest Days Festival-which appears to have been attended by a total of zero people.

Have I mentioned to you all lately how much I love professional rasslin'?

BREAKING NEWS: Reid Flair is Fucked, Allegedly

It's been a busy day here in the Arabian Facebuster Sexy Action Newsroom, first the unexpected resurrection of Hulk Hogan's Pastamania -- well the awning anyway and to a lesser extent the spirit of mediocrity and gouging the consumer on which it was founded -- followed by its equally sudden demise (yet again), and now this:

WSOC-TV in Charlotte reported Reid Fliehr (Flair) was arrested yesterday on felony charges of heroin possession after Charlotte-Mecklenburg police claimed they found heroin in his car when he was pulled over. The 21-year-old Fliehur was also charged with driving while impaired and driving with a revoked license.

Based upon his brief, glaringly green run in the dying days of the Double U See Double U, who'd have thunk that David Flair would turn out to be the most mature, responsible, successful, and stable of the Flair litter?

What In The World Have We Here...

No Facebuster Nation, yr peepers are not playing tricks on you. Yes, that's the awning from Pastamania!, Hulk Hogan's futile attempt to siphon the customer base of the Olive Garden and cut into the market share of Chef Boyardee as a pre-whoring out his husky and slow-witted daughter approach towards income diversification. It appears to have been affixed on the side or rear of an unkempt storefront, perhaps as some sort of joke or ruse. The distinctive colorful high-rise, low-income building eye sore behind it verifies that this awning is located in the Cedar-Riverside neighborhood of Minneapolis, just steps from the Triple Rock Social Club and its free bacon, $2 PBR tall boy Wednesday's and the Town Hall Brewery with its high octane growlers of IPA and Hefeweizen. The "612" area code on the towing sign and aqua-n-white license plates on the idle minivans (whose owners likely drive them at 10 miles below the posted speed limit at all times) lends further credence to my awesome powers of skyline recognition.

Therefore, as part of the 2nd and 1/2 annual Arabian Facebuster Staff Conference & Fan Conclave, I propose that we rent a nondescript, unmarked delivery truck, pay a visit this authentic artifact of sports entertainmentcana in the shadow of the "crack stacks" as they are commonly known around these parts even though its tenants are predominantly Somali and East African immigrants, steal the awning under the cover of darkness (a reference to the time of day, not an insinuation that we assimilate a heavily armed, poorly trained, trigger happy band of Somalis into our felonious yet pious plans), celebrate our successful and highly lucrative heist with swine and ale from the nearby emporiums, and fasten said plunder above the back deck at Malibu Manor.

Then Buck "Rock & Roll" Zumhoffe will surely be willing to put on one of his renowned backyard wrestling, barbecue, karaoke, meth smoking, and arbitrary pants removing extravaganzas.

Additional reconnaissance of the surrounding area may be performed here.

Update: According to one of the Pastamanioids, the building in question has been demolished. Drats, my best laid plans foiled again!

Later Update: A blog chronology of the destruction is available for yr perusal here. I've added my favorite photo from this gentleman's site in the body of this post.

Yr "Ric Flair &..." Foto of the Week

Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. I'm thinking this is from their rivalry circa 1983/1984 as opposed to their bouts in the late 1970s.

Late Update: Even though they are captured in black n' white, Flair's wrestling boots are the the swankest I've ever seen.

At Least I Haven't Messed Around With My 'Nads

The above clip sent Th' Geek and me into paroxysms of hysterical laughter when it popped up during last night's wrestle-viewing. Short and undeniably sweet, it features living(?) legend (??) Larry Zybysko hyping the latest "Bulk-Up While-U-Wait" supplement to hit the market: MORPHOPLEX! It will keep you from joining all of Larry's old pals in th' boneyard, and it appears that Morphoplex can also magically transport you to a windswept beach as well! All while giving you the sort of Freakishly Huge physique that will Get You Over with the brass at the ol' double-double-E (I think Dave Batista knows what I'm talking about, here)!

So take it straight from Larry himself: "You don't need steroids... anymore." Whew, that's a relief. I can finally tell Randy Orton to quit jabbing me in the ass.

With the STEROID NEEDLE! Christ, you people have filthy minds.

P.S. The bit where the caption reads, "Steroids Kill"? By the look of things, steroids mainly kill grass in ill-maintained municipal cemeteries.

Learning The Ropes

Q: What happens when you combine notorious habitual steroid abuser and strapping leading man Lyle Alzado, a talented supporting ensemble featuring Orthodox Jewish teen heartthrob newcomer Yannick Bisson whose boy next door looks, cunning yet wholesome grin, and closet full of Espirit sweaters and Union Bay acid washed jean jackets makes Kirk Cameron come across as a poor man's Rob Stone (the guy played the oldest Owens boy on TV's Mr. Belvedere) by comparison, a premise with more holes than Nick Hogan's defense at trial (or if you prefer, than Jeff Hardy's jizz rag post trailer fire), the musical artist and trusty synth machine that recorded the "Gimmie A Break" and "Silver Spoons" theme songs, and the superstars of the National Wrestling Alliance circa 1987?

A: A comedy serial about the joys and challenges of fatherhood as a single parent and the trials and tribulations of a career in professional rasslin'. Universal critical acclaim. Emmy consideration. Eventual enshrinement in the Television Academy Hall of Fame. And residual checks in the amount of $1.08 dispersed biennially to the surviving, non-incarcerated cast members.

Oh, and no way was that stiff in Lex Luger's Human Torture Rack Lyle Alzado. I suspect it was a jobber the caliber of a Vernon Deaton, George South, Brodie Chase, or juiced to the gills Mulkey brother.

Greg Gagne: PMS (Puke, Maggot, Slime)

Here at Arabian Facebuster, we despise all things ordinary, adequate, average, and predictable with regard to professional rasslin'. That is why we are committed to provide our readership (of 8) with a healthy, balanced diet of the absolute very best AND the absolute very worst that this noblest of faux athletic contests has to offer.

But we take extra pleasure in serving up and dishing out the very worst.

From Randy Orton's uncanny willingness and ability to evacuate his bowels without any care or concern for the presence of toilet paper or a flushable porcelain receptacle, to Larry Nelson's liver of steel and knack at distracting viewers from the fact that he slugged down a half-dozen TQ & tonics prior to the TV taping through his wild gesticulations, dainty microphone gripping technique, and stained AWA embroidered blazer (or when in Las Vegas at the fabulous Showboat Casino and Sports Pavilion, a red polyester cumberbun), to Chyna's bulbous lady parts that look like and presumably are tantamount to in terms of smell and texture the Arby's Big Montana with extra horsey sauce I had for lunch this afternoon, to Buck Rock n' Roll Zumhoffe's...er...um...to Buck Rock n' Roll Zumhoffe, we here at Arabian Facebuster like to envision ourselves as the USDA food pyramid of bloggery on professional rasslin's ridiculous and absurd -- rigorous bordering on unduly complicated, absolute in our proclamations, impervious to/divorced from contemporary socioeconomic and cultural realities, and wholly ineffectual in its stated purpose (in the case of the food pyramid that would be to promote healthy eating and reduce obesity, in Arabian Facebuster's, to eviscerate the paradigm known as sports entertainment by systematically refuting the theoretical tenets, assumptions, and basic premises on which it is constructed ...an appetite for whimsy, a soap operatic storyline mindset, giving precedence to writing over booking, swerving the audience for the sake of swerving the audience, performers that possess the same artificially obtained and larger than life muscles and definition (i.e. "the look"), characters whose bland personalities and similar movesets make them interchangeable, the intermittent incorporation of "mainstream" "stars" into the narrative, exposure of the business that ranges from thoughtless to short-sided, and a sentiment towards Hulk Hogan that occupies the space between qualified appreciation and unconditional adulation*).

Speaking of the worst, I encourage all of you to feast yr eyes and crank the vertical volume bar to maxed out on the clip above, featuring Camp Slaughter's newest and most promising string bean armed, pasty cheeked recruit, the AWA's #1 babyface (by inheritance via birthright and by booking sheet, not by fan reaction) Greg "Rambo" Gagne (son of the famed nursing home murderer Verne Gagne). Unintentional comic affects notwithstanding, this clip is replete with the sexual taboo and homosexual innuendo that th' Facebuster's discerning readership craves -- Greg Gagne's reverse Nestea plunge from the water, Greg Gagne running out of the lake in a manner that suggests he was trying to detach a couple of tenacious northern pikes from his doughy calves, Greg Gagne bump-'n-grinding the ground with the same positioning and sensuous thrusting technique he employed on his wedding night to little fanfare, Greg Gagne hurling phallic shaped logs into a 10' high pile as part of an experimental approach to streamline the chopping process, and *gulp* Greg Gagne wanting to show his gratitude to Sarge in way commensurate to how Greg feels inside about him.

No wonder this promotion went bankrupt and belly up just five years later.

Soundtrack provided by the Manhattan Transfer.

*Portions of this rant were inspired by the commentary of Jim Cornette*.
**Yes, I realize that the company that gainfully employs Cornette, Total Nonstop Action!, is guilty of employing many of the same practices and tendencies that he so effectively derides.

Despite Rage, Billy Corgan Still Rat in Cage

Enjoy this hearty helping of unintentional whimsy, courtesy of Billy Corgan and TNA...

Coming Soon to the Land of 10,000 Lakes...

Arabian Facebuster is proud to announce the convening of its 2nd and 1/2 annual (or if you prefer, 1st semi-annual) Staff Conference and Fan Conclave, May 13-19 in lovely St. Paul, MN.

Malibu Manor -- the cavernous, lavishly appointed estate of yours truly Malibu Sands -- will serve as ground zero for the week's alcohol, sausage, and cheese log fueled proceedings, with the nearby Dorothy Day Center & Emergency Shelter providing cots, hot meals of nourishing gruel and succulent cow hooves, state of the art amenities such as carpeted hallways, round the clock police surveillance, the opportunity to bathe yourself with running water in semi-privacy as opposed to your own urine in front of your fellow derelicts, a washer & dryer (estimated wait time 72 hours), and a secure locker for your collection of about to be recycled cans, complimentary mental health assessments, daily lice and hepatitis screenings, and a diminished sense of purposelessness and despondence to conclave attendees in the event we require overflow capacity.

The itinerary is already coming together nicely, although proposals for breakout session panels and presentations are still being accepted. Highlights include:

• The transference the Hulk Hogan autobiography on tape into my possession.
  
• Geen Ween live at the cozy Turf Club. From my understanding, Buck "Rock & Roll" Zumhoffe has been hand picked by the Geener as the opening act.
• Gazing upon Sara Undertaker's latest driftwood carvings at this year's Art A Whirl.
  
• St. Paul pub crawl with keynote speaker, honorary conference master of ceremonies, and designated drunk driver Larry Nelson.
• Touring historical places, including Robbinsdale High School (where the likes of Curt Henning, Rick Rude, John Nord/The Berzerker [husk, husk], The Z-Man Tom Zenk, Nikita Koloff, and Barry Darsow/Demolition Smash/Krusher Khruschev/Repo Man skipped attended class), the 1980s hotbed of cabin fatty pickups and hookups Jukebox Saturday Night, the Minnesota History Museum (where I believe the dunk tank used to drench Larry Nelson at the previously mentioned landmark is preserved for current and future generations of Minnesotans and rasslin' fans to pay no heed to and saunter past gaze fondly upon), and the cemetery where affable shoeless hobo scuffler Rocky Mountain Thunder's career is buried.
• Volunteering at the Friendship Village nursing home and tossing our empty beer cans at the disoriented and sure to already be highly agitated Verne Gagne.
  
• Procuring freshly cooked meth, fireworks, bootleged DVD's, gently used porno mags, and counterfeit boomboxes out of the back of Buck Zumhoffe's late 1970s model rape van.
  
• Urban exploring adventures at the abandoned meccas of cheap beer manufacturing, the old Schmidt's and Hamm's breweries. I anticipate that the tastings will be complimentary.
  
• Enticing the girls at Augie's to recreate The Donovan via generous compensation passed through a slot in the Plexiglas window.
  
• Hosting a barbecue and live rasslin' party in my spacious backyard featuring an adorable, teeny, most certainly unsafe ring and a shirtless Buck Zumhoffe removing his trousers in an impetuous, startling and highly unsettling fashion.
  

BTW, to get the discounted rate at the Dorothy Day Center, just tell 'em that you are here for the Arabian Facebuster Staff Conference and Fan Conclave. The promotional code is "hobo camp."

What the fawk are you waiting for? Book yr tix to the Twin Cities, Facebuster nation! Do it...NOW!!!

Arabian Facebuster's Thoughts On...

...Mick Foley becoming TNA! Heavyweight Champion, genetic freak Scott Steiner busting out a Franksteiner, and all around great guy Bobby Lashley debuting at last night's orgy of six sided steel caged antics otherwise known as the Lockdown Pay Per View are as follows:

Meh, Huh!?, and *Shrug*, respectively.

Yr "Ric Flair &..." Foto of the Week

...the voice of Mid Atlantic Championship Wrestling, Bob Caudle, taken at the 2008 NWA Legends Fanfest (not to be confused with the 2008 Arabian Facebuster Staff Conference and Fan Conclave).

For some vintage Caudle/Flair interaction, go here and most certainly here.

BREAKING: Hulk Hogan INNOCENT of Being OJ Simpson!

Hogan Reveals Plans NOT Targeting Earth's Populace:

"If I haven't attacked the Whole World, you know, by now, I don't think I will"

Or will he?

Teddy Hart Movie Update!

I experienced no small amount of heart(heh)ache upon discovering that the trailer for "Ted Hart's Truth and Reality" had been pulled from the youtubes. Besides rendering most of the jokes in my post incomprehensible, it also created a yawning void in my soul... a void that could only be filled by footage of Teddy Hart drinking, buying iced-out Jesus necklaces, and eating burritos. A void that howled for the sweet, soothing, emotionally blank voice of the film's narrator reading (awkwardly) off of cue cards. A void, in short, that is FILLED TO BURSTIN' by the brand new trailer shown above!!!!

So, it looks like they changed the title of this little baby from "Ted Hart's Truth and Reality" to the MUCH less awkward "A Hart Sill Pounding: The Truth and Reality of Ted Hart: The Tribulations and Triumphs of Ted Hart." Awesome. They also seem to have scrapped the bulk of the film in order to make room for footage of the new "Lucha Libre" chapter in Our Ted's stunning career.

Thrill! To the finest flippity-floppity-floo our sport has to offer!

Gasp! At the narrator's difficulty in pronouncing Mexican place-names!

And Puzzle! At the forty-five seconds of blank screen tacked on the end of this deal, punctuated by a sudden eruption of some anonymous underground hip-hop! (Seriously, guys, I have some video-editing shareware that can snip that shit off for you, if you want.)

God Hell, do I love pro wrestling.

Yr "Ric Flair &..." Foto of the Week

Kevin Von Erich. From their showdown at the May 5, 1985 Parade of Champions show. The outcome of this match was a most unsatisfying double count out finish.

Why We Watch, Exhibit Q

Dearest Facebuster readers, due to some time constraints this afternoon, I want to apologize in advance for the dearth of substantive, fully formed, acerbic and cantankerous content in this post. However, I feel a sense of duty to act as the proverbial two Advils washed down with a bloody mary, chased by a schooner of lager, capped off by a growler of subtly potent Town Hall Brewery IPA (the Fritzer knows and soon the Rev. Von. Fury will too of where and what I am speaking) cure for this site's post-WrestleMania hangover by putting up some fresh content ...even as I am in the midst of grappling and coming to grips with a particularly unsettling recent development.

Folks, we're talking sprawled out on the couch, too kicked to lift the remote and flip the channel off of (or in my case "to") The Jenny Jones Show, particularly an episode wantonly exploiting compassionately profiling corpulent young ladies that love to talk street and adorn skimpy and/or tight fitting garments (preferably constructed out of an acid washed denim or leopard print spandex fabric), that accentuate their stomach rolls, gunts and muffin tops.

But I digress.

Based upon Ricky Steamboat's totally solid work against Chris Jericho at WrestleMania XXV and in convoluted eight man tag team action on Monday Night RAW after a FIFTEEN year absence from any in-ring competition that hopefully has encouraged over-compensated, under-talented lumbering stiffs at least twenty years the Dragon's younger like *cue up Undertaker voice* Batista, Mark Henry, Kane, The Great Khali, The Big Shew, Snitsky, Dolph Ziger, Cryme Time members Shad and JTG, Mike Knox, Kozlov, Ezekiel Jackson, Mr. Kennedy, The Miz, Santina/o Morella, Golddust, Paul Burchill, "The Innovator of flimsy Trash Can Lid and Cookie Sheet Related Violence" Tommy Dreamer, Jesse, Festus, Hawkins, Ryder and about sixteen of the nineteen divas currently on the active roster to think long and hard before climbing into the ring again and inevitability humiliating themselves and by association the company that frustratingly continues to keep him/her in the ranks of the gainfully employed, I think it is only fitting to further lay out the attributes that made/make Ricky Steamboat one of the greatest performers in the history of the business, as well as some intriguing minutiae.

Off the top of my head, these include:

• The deepest and most seamlessly executed arm drag.
• Egoless wrestling. Or if you prefer, a mastery of the art of giving and the art of taking punishment.
  
• Versatility: The ability to work both a technical/counter/mat-based style and a more of fast paced, high flying style.
• A body of work that includes some of the greatest rasslin' contests of all time with Ric Flair throughout the late 1970s and early 1980s culminating with their near flawless 1989 trilogy/wrestling clinic fought over the NWA World Heavyweight Wrestling Championship, not to mention epic battles with Randy Savage in 1987 and at WrestleMania III, The Dangerous Alliance (Rick Rude, Arn Anderson, Steve Austin, Bobby Eaton, and Larry Zbyszko) in WCW circa 1991/1992, Tully Blanchard at Starrcade 1984, and even Lex Luger at The Great American Bash 1989.
• Slightly less memorable and compelling but still totally solid feuds and matches with the likes of Jake Roberts, Don Muraco, and Jack and Jerry Brisco (along with tag team partner Jay Youngblood)
  
• An entire career spent as a babyface. That's right, not one heel turn/run in his 25+ year career. And an enduringly sympathetic one at that.
  
• He was a mainstay in the Mid Atlantic territory, one of the cornerstones responsible for the revitalization of that promotion in the late 1970s and thus instrumental in putting promoter Jim Crockett in the position to move for national expansion of his territory and consolidation of the National Wrestling Alliance (Steamboat would defect to the WWF before this plan could be fully actualized).

Alright, enough of my homage paying jibber jabber. Let's get to some rasslin': the ending portion of Steamboat vs. Terry Funk from June of 1989 (NWA Clash of the Champions). The back story: Flair won the NWA Title (his sixth) back from Steamboat a month earlier. At the end of the 30+ minute contest, Terry Funk, who was at ringside acting as a guest judge in case the match went to a draw in order to determine a winner, promptly approached Flair to congratulate him and challenge him. Flair told him that he would need to "get in line" and beat some of the finest competition the NWA has to offer in order to earn a shot. Not too enamored with this sage advice, Funk attacked Flair and pile drove him on a ringside table, fracturing his neck. Steamboat was subsequently booked to take on Funk and, in an unspoken way, avenge his long-time but still respected adversary's injury.

Oh, and while this clip features *yawn* yet another late 1980s/early 1990s "Total Package" Lex Luger heel turn (if my memory and count are accurate, I count at least seven face/heel turns between Luger's debut in 1986 through 1991), it also includes quite possibly the most violent clotheslines you'll ever witness.

Enjoy.

Yr "Ric Flair &..." Foto of the Week

Ron Garvin. Blood spillage circa 1986/1987.

Hopefully you all didn't wake up this morning feeling like Ron Garvin looks after yesterday's debauchery.

Teddy Hart: Where is He Now?

Back off, vultures. You'll get yr 'Mania recap when I sober up, and not a moment before.

In th' meantime, feast yr weary eyes on this madcap bit of gold from AAA Wrestling in Mexico. It is there that our beloved and long-suffering Teddy Hart has at last found sweet solace (tagging, at least intermittently, with our also-beloved and also-long-suffering Sabu!). It is also there that th' Univision Network is broadcasting directily into th' Pencil Neck Geek's brand spankin' new DVR unit! So while the rest of you suckers watch Mark Henry vs. Batista and Umaga in a Triple Threat Bra And Panties Match, th' Facebuster Massive will be soaking up some Grade-A International Flavor! Gravy!

Sorry about the editing on this clip, btw. It's bad enough to give WSX Fans fits (quiet down, you three), but what do you expect from a youtube clip of an eight man ladder match? Just drink another beer, it helps with the seizures.

"Jesus Christ, That Was It?" Live Recap!!!

Congrats to Apollo Spas for his 7-9 picks. He Wins!

Malibu Sands, you Lose...

Ricky SteamBoat- Match of the Night.

I need more beer, please.

Live Blog Update! ...And What Happened to Carlito?

No Tag Match. Hmmm. WrestleMania25= Ponderous

Live Blog Update! National Shame.

Zabadoo.

Undertaker is Underfeated.

17-0.

Live Blog Update! Bissoux & Mailibu LOSING!!!

Rey wins. Bissoux and M'Bu in the lead for last...developing...JBL QUITS!!!

WM 25 Winners! Apollo & Pencil & Y2J!!!

No Stone Cold. Just a whole lotta Rourke. Seriously. And Matt Hardy Just won. Seriously.

WM25 WINNER! The Spasinator-1. Everybody else-0.

Live BLOG ALERT! Meet Randy.

My Beer was Good. Now Kid Rock is "Playing".

LIve BLOG ALERT! And so it begins...Again.

1- CM Punk 2009 Money in the bank winner. Now Someone will Wear The Shirt.

LIVE BLOG ALERT! Austin 3:16 UNcensored at The Geekdom

Ladies & Gentlemen, I Proudly Present "The Shirt."

Indeed, good fans as some here at Arabian Facebuster like to say "Stakes Is High".

As the Twenty Fifth Anniversary of our dearly beloved Wrestlemania fast approaches, I'd just like to add just a tiny bit of inspiration for those lucky enough to be able to attend in the flesh our North Portland Sunday service for the faithful.

You see, it's not enough to just place all our early eggs in one basket with just one massive wager. We here need something, or someone, to look upon during the inevitable dark moments of our impending grappling nuptials and derive from it, or him, strength, poise, and inspiration:

"...For woe unto him he who fails to fully slacken his thirst first in the intitiary Communion challenge known now and anon as "Chug-A-Beer". For he who so failith will be bequeathed, nay Anointed, with this divine polyester shirt. Behold unto us, its mighty spikey like flames. A divine fashion forward piece of 90's tailer park ice filtered beer menthol and rap-metal Whisky Tango pret-a-portier shall don he and he compelled to don it. And Behold! We shall for the duration of the debacle, much to his chagrin and the inevitable tee-hee's of we, his immediate and faithful peers, know him as "Randy"..." revs.4:32 1/2

So it is Written. So it Shall Be. See you on Sunday Bitches.

the rev.