Friday, April 03, 2009

Compulsory Viewing 4 Wellness Policy Violators

"There's no Hope with Dope" is not only the name for the PSA the Bayside gang made with Brandon Tartakoff after finding out that hunky teen hearthrob and certified bad boy Johnny Dakota was a dastardly, two-bit reefer fiend that cared more about getting stoned and then into Kelly Kapowski's floral print capri pants than making sure his fanbase of impressionable youngsters were steering clear of the junk, it is also the title of an essay written by precocious, self-righteous moralizer Jasmine McNeil on how doing drugs has produced negative, profound consequences in her life... like the time lil' Jasmine got blazed before going to a funeral, only to start tweaking out at the service and, in her state of euphoria and disorientation, climbing into the coffin with the deceased!

Jasmine's a fucking lil' iller!!!

Hey, um Jasmie, before swearing off drugs entirely, why don't you first try sitting through two doobie free hours of The Impact Zone!?!? Something tells me you'll swiftly be back out on the streets and looking to turn a couple of tricks in a dark alley on a discarded mattress soiled with a vile emission of blood, excrement, and Doritos nacho cheese dust in exchange for a hit of that sweet sweet rock.

Seriously though, from my understanding this video essay is a powerful weapon in World Wrestling Entertainment's arsenal for redirecting those that stray from the tenants of its Wellness Policy down a more virtuous path. [How's that for mixing multiple metaphors in a single sentence!?] Superstars such as Kurt Angle, Mr. Kennedy, Chris Masters, Jeff Hardy, Randy Orton, William Regal, Umaga, and Test were able to learn that there is indeed no hope with dope, lest they be cast to hell by the federation's spiritual leader and imposer of locker room justice.

Well okay, not Test.

No comments: