Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Wrestlemania 25 Must Be Destroyed

Thank you, dear readers. It's good to be back?

Christ. I take a one year victory lap (alcohol coma) after what was arguably the finest Wrestlemania in almost a decade (that would be 'Mania 24, if you give a shit) and what happens?

Wrestling goes straight in the goddamn crapper.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is no excuse for this sort of thing. It's not like our beloved Arabian Facebuster dried up and went away. You had tons of new content provided by the one and only Malibu Sands, the closest thing to a conscience that wrestling's got! You had spiritual advice from the Rev. Von Fury! You even had a shocking glimpse of Hell Unleashed when th' Geek finally sacked up and watched the Chyna sex tape! And yet, and yet, and yet...

One cannot argue with results. And the singular, clear result of my year-long abscence from th' wrassle-blog stage? TNA further mired in misguided whimsy and ass-hatted booking. The double-double E growing steadily more bloated (given the shit sandwiches they're serving up three nights a week, do they really need to go for four?) and complacent. All toppped off by the worst Wrestlemania (possibly) ever.

Every match. I repeat, EVERY MATCH has some grotesque sandbagging waste-of-flesh Heat Vaccuum in it, ensuring that there will be NO CHANCE of any sort of goodness sneaking through the cable wires to thrill and delight the discerning fan. Let's check the lineup:

We've got Chris Jericho, in the middle of an excellent run as a petulant and psychotic heel, shackled to three aging has-beens who he will have to (perhaps literally) carry through the match. If Roddy Piper wants to shit on his legacy, that's his business, but does he have to drag Jericho down with him?

There's a 25-diva Battle Royal, about which the less said, the better. Santino Marella will be on hand to provide "hijinks", but is that really worth yr $40 (or whatever they're charging for this travesty)?

There's the always-reliable Money In The Bank Match. A constant bright spot in recent 'Manias, it could only be ruined by inserting some ponderous oafs into it, some real clumsy behemoths... oh, let's say Kane and Mark Henry. Hilarious! Surely even the hacks at the WWE are too bright to... do what now?

You've got Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker. Despite the plodding and lukewarm promo work these two have been doing to hype their match, it should be, y'know... watchable. Still, I'd rather watch HBK wrestle, like... ANYBODY else.

Whoops, spoke too soon. The Miz is in the next match.

Then, Jeff and Matt Hardy wrestle in an "extreme rules" thingy. My thesis sort of falls apart here. This one should be pretty fucking solid.

WOOHOO! JBL will be stinking up the ring against the always-underutilized Rey Mysterio! Thesis BACK ON TRACK!

Edge vs. John Cena equals yawns. Adding the Big Show to the mix is like adding morphine to Vicodin. While wrapped in a fuzzy blanket. And snuggling a baby panda. Minus the euphoria, comfort, and cuteness, obviously.

And then Triple H versus Randy Orton, which could well be the match of the night, if that gives you any idea how much trouble we're in.

God Hell, I hate pro wrestling.


Malibu Sands said...

Apollo: A triumphant returning post! The three of us, along with the occasional contribution from The Undertaker (who sounds vaguely similar to Pencil Neck Geek after smoking a bakers dozen worth of Macanudo's).

Hopefully this is just the opening salvo of regular/semi-regular ire and rancor filled content about the sorry state of the contemporary whimsical professional wrestling landscape...or the start of an elaborate introduction to your review of Hulk Hogan's autobiography!

Apollo Spas said...

Oh, I've got so much more ire/rancor to unleash. And, thanks to the prejudices of others, I'm currently suckling the (f)unemployment teat... leaving me lots of time to compile my magnum opus: "Hey, Wrestling! Go Fuck Yrself!"

Malibu Sands said...

I see I forgot to tack on "are relieved that you are back" to the end of my first paragraph. I can assure you that carelessness on my part was the result of a lack of coffee and my boss breathing down my neck.

Will this be serving as "The Official WM XXV Prediction Thread" or are all of those prognostications going in a separate post? And who dares to reveal their predictions first? Von Fury!? Geek!?

Apollo Spas said...

I dares!

Jericho beats Legends.

Santino wins Diva Battle Royal.

Christian wins th' MITB (I might get burned for not picking Kane on this one...)

I didn't get where I am today by switching horses midstream, so... Undertaker beats HBK.

Miz n' Morrison beat Primo and Carlito (I know, but the bookers are 'tarded.)

Jeff beats Matt. The wrestling world shrugs and gets itself a beer.

JBL beats Rey. Shrug again.

Cena beats Shew and Edge. Shrug.

Triple H beats Randy, thus squandering some of the finest heel work in recent memory. I wander to the fridge feeling vaguely unsatisfied.

Malibu Sands said...

1. Jericho vs. 2 Broken Down Old Men & Ricky Steamboat goes to a no-contest as the result of *crash* *90s shlock metal music* Bottom Line Stone Cold Steve Austin's interference at about the 3 minute mark. He strolls to the ring, kick, wham, stunners Jericho and waddles around the ring for 20 minutes drinking beer with the geriatrics.

2. Is Trish Stratus in the battle royal? I haven't heard her name mentioned as one of the surprise participants...hmm, I'm going to say that an active diva picks up the victory...Is Michelle McCool a face? Ah, who cares. She's my pick.

3. I agree with Apollo that Christian wins MITB.

4. Dead Man over Heartbreak Kid.

5. Miz and Johnny Nitro over the Puerto Ricans.

6. Jefferson over Matthew Hardy.

7. JBL over Mysterio.

7. Cena over Big Shew and 10X transitional champion Edge.

8. Orton goes over HHH with a *swerve* Stephanie McMahon heel turn, revealing that she has boning Randy Orton in ways eerily similar to those displayed in the Chyna-X Pac video.

Apollo Spas said...

Our picks are pretty similar. This bodes well for me, obvs, as Malibu has proven to be the Gold Standard for Wrestlemania prognostication.

Speaking of Gold Standards, it makes me sick that Shelton Benjamin is still toiling in the midcard.

Speaking of getting sick, the idea of a Randy/Stephanie sex tapes is less revolting than the Chyna/X-pac one... but only just. And ONLY if Randy Randy can abstain from crapping in or on anything.

That's a big if, fans.

Malibu Sands said...

Yes indeed our picks are quite similar, although my predictions are in no way a reaction to yours...they are my best guess of how the WWE brass would book this by and large uncompelling lineup. Seriously, who amongst us was clamoring for Carlito/Primo in tag team action at the biggest non six sided ring, all steel cage matchups PPV of the year?

Pencil Neck Geek said...

OK- Time to throw my hat (or in this case, Hulk Rules bandana) into the ring...

Jericho beats Legends, gets comeuppance from Mickey Rourke, Bottom Line, Rocky Mountain Thunder, Vern Gagne, and the Mulkeys.

Beth Phoenix eliminates Santino to win the Battle Royale. Is Sunny bringing her Super Soaker?

I'm probably gonna regret this, but MVP takes the MITB (I hope it's Christian, though).

Undertaker beats HBK. The only man I'd pick to beat UT at 'Mania is Umaga.

Miz and Morrison take Unified Tag belts, fade into obscurity.

Jeff beats Matt.

Rey over JBL in a bid to lure back Latino viewers from superior Lucha Libre programming on Univision.

Cena wins, unless Umaga is a last minute substituion for Big Shew.

Randy beats HHH, drooling and humping the mat as the broadcast fades to black.

The Rev. von Fury said...

I believe I once read a tattered copy of the Hulkster's Auto-Bioerotica, and I'll be goddamned if I I have to read it again, in the voice of Hulk Hogan, but really with the real voice of Hulk Hogan agai....

25th. Anniversario del WWE
Presented by those guys over there in Iraq, The United States National Guard.

Ungh, Jerichio vs. the Drooling Old Men- I really feel bad this isn't Hulk Hogan defending the Legends' geezery old honor, at least then Jericho's scathing critique of the sicophant's hipocracy would ring far more true. Otherwise, remember that at its very least this involves the 2 participants of one of the most exciting pre-ManiaXXV beat-downs- Jericho and Ric Flair. Oh, and Bottom Line. Only we haven't seen any Bottom Line at all yet, not even one Monster Truck sighting, and I am afraid we might not... Rev.Pic- The Legends, and that's the Bottom Line.

Fomerly-88-year old Diva Melina will win the B.R' Oyale. Santino who? Can this guy get any less relevant? Just like the real Italy! HAH! HAH! Speaking of irrelevant, anybody from England 'round here?....

M.I.T.B.- Sunny's return will be far more impactful to the state of my WWE arousal than anything that's contained in that stupid briefcase. M.i.T.B.??? M.e.H.H..... Kofi Kingston Mon.

Sexy Boy vs. Dead Man. Honestly, this is the first decent competition for UT at WM in like, seventeen years. Absolutely GrungerTaker. Or is it GrungeKind? Will we witness the swirling demons? The Sliding all the way across the ring and ChokeSlamming you to H-E- double hockey sticks? Yes. Yes we Will.

WWE Tag Team Champions vs. World Tag Team Champions (Unified Tag Team Championship Lumberjack Match) I sincerely hope Carlito gets off his lazy ass and earns his hopefully dismal paycheck for this one. I honestly am pretty psyched about this one, I really like the Slammy award winning M&M 2k7 and only regret the fantastic Johnny Nitro can't be here to see it. WE :LUV ;U JOHNNY!!! Miz. Morrison. Lot's o' LumberJackin'.

Jeff vs. Matt. Time to go get my copy of RAW Magazine June 2006 and go meditate. Yes Sunny, Wetter is Better. Jeff provides us some Face victory relief.

I'm going with the Geek on this one, and still looking for more Face relief...Mysterio with some flippy- flippy-flippity floo. Perhaps itty bitty Batista will venture from his cave to shake the ropes after this one. Why? Because I want that fucker off my TV and back on SmackDown! where he belongs.

I hate Triple threat matches, especially at Wrestle Mania. For me, the idea of an odd man out at the year's really Big Show really puts me on Edge. Frankly, I've Cena enough. Weee, John Cena wins this.

I am not sure when I've ever been excited to see Hunter in the World Title match at Mania, esp. after that whole Booker T thing, but I am positively elated about watching these two spitters and droolers salivate all over each other.

We've got a DQ/ Count-Out stip on this one that dictates H will lose the belt if he tires to sing with sweet lady sledge (seriously, that whole hand-cuffed spittle dribble, drop your wife on her head while you watch thing is our art form at its finest)or gets counted out , he loses the belt. Could any one of our two years ago selves had seen this Randy Orton coming? Frankly yes, but that other Randy also buys handguns and prefers leaving the workings of his bowels in others' duffel bags. Thank God these two Randys have finally met. Randy, meet Randy. I love you Randy. Randy Randy.

- Bunny Bissoux - said...

If you fellows get this in time head over to Bissoux HQ for my WMXXV predictions. and may the great gods of wrasslin bless you all!