Ric Flair: Scratch! Sniff?

Great news keeps on rolling into the state of the art Sexy Action newsroom occupied by Arabian Facebuster's Sexy Action I-Team. First up, the clip of Stan Hansen's systematic dissection and evisceration of jobber Don Herbert has been restored! Then, to my delight, I stumbled across that clip of the Fantastics thumbing it shirtless and partying with a pigeon of unscrupulous repute and reposted it here.

And now this indisputably newsworthy item from the Ground Zero of Confederate Flag flying and/or waving has just broken across the intertubes. Article copied and pasted without expressed, written permission. Lime green ext color selected in order to match this stunner:

S.C. lottery tag-teams with Flair

By Steve Lyttle
slyttle@charlotteobserver.com

Posted: Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2010

One of Charlotte's best-known celebrities will be pictured on South Carolina Education Lottery tickets, starting next week.

Former professional wrestling champion Ric Flair will be the subject of a $5 scratch-off ticket, starting Monday, according to representatives of Flair and of the South Carolina lottery.

This is not a first for Flair.

Flair’s photo -- and his trademark “Woooooo!” yell -- were pictured on a $5 scratch-off lottery ticket last fall in North Carolina. A representative for Flair said the tickets were among the state’s best-selling lottery items. The ticket sale was accompanied by television commercials featuring Flair.

Paula Harper Bethea, executive director of the South Carolina Education Lottery, said Flair will help promote the ticket sales in the Palmetto State, too.

“We look forward to hosting Ric Flair in South Carolina at various events and anticipate an increase in ticket sales to generate more funds for education,” Bethea said.

She said he is scheduled to appear on behalf of the lottery on May 8 at NASCAR’s Southern 500 race in Darlington; and June 5 at the Sun Fun Festival in Myrtle Beach.

Rumor has it that Flair's forehead starts involuntarily gushing blood every time a lottery ticket bearing his likeness is scratched, sort of a physical telepathy between the Dirtiest Player in the Game and the unskilled and cognitively deficient gaming set.

AWA + Tears for Fears = $ You Too Clip

Kudos to the American Wrestling Association for paying tribute to its dwindling, increasingly apathetic, and likely undereducated fan base in the Summer of 1986 by slapping together a tastefully produced "Special Look" montage of its top stars and those rube fans that love and in some instances loathe them. While not quite the Wrestle Rock Rumble in terms of its catchiness, random inclusion of various Elvis impersonators and strippers made up to look like old timey movie stars, perpetual watchability, and sheer awesomeness, this clip still delivers the goods by way of Larry Nelson's coked up to the point that he can actually feel his teeth chattering and salt & pepper whiskers growing whilst offering his introductory remarks, the futuristic neon green & pink graphics, the utilization of the drunken karaoke anthem "Shout" by Tears for Fears as the accompanying soundtrack, and plenty of awesome snippets that feature a full seated (or if you prefer, pudgy assed) Sean Michaels, handlebar mustached racist South African Col. DeBeers, the perfect physical specimen that was the late, great Playboy Buddy Rose, and the run of the mill drop kick delivering antics of the monochrome skinned and faded canary yellow trunks sporting, graduating summa cum-laude from Camp Slaughter phenom Greg Gagne...amongst others.

Feel the love and appreciation.

Yr Ric Flair Robe Foto of the Week

Naitch sports a lighter weight robe, perfect for those hot summer nights.

Bushwhacked

I realize that it's been far, far too long since we've thrown up some good ol' fashioned senseless pro rasslin' violence up on da Facebuster for yr cogitation, followed by yr admiration.

And it just so happens to be a montage of the roughshod running tag team persuasion to boot!

The footage in question comes from Puerto Rico's World Wrestling Council circa mid 1980s and features The Sheepherders before they became The Bushwhackers, a goofy arm motioning, practicing good hygiene via tag-team partner head and face licking, toothless, harmless, sanitized, and broken down shell of their formerly hardcore, harming, unpredictable, and surprisingly agile selves and one of the worst selling plush dolls ever introduced by the WWF into the marketplace.

While by no means at the same level as The Midnight Express, The Rock and/or Roll Express, and The Fantastics in terms of tag-team fluidity and double team execution, these guys: (a) were capable of delivering a quality performance; (b) could both bring the punishment as well as take it; and (c) were not afraid of blood, barbed wire, chairs, kendo stick and flag pole shots, and hostile crowds hurling trash, saliva, and god knows what else as part of their in-ring storytelling and presentation.

Enjoy.

BREAKING NEWS: Buh-Bye Bejamin, Piggy...

With the pointless exercise otherwise known as the WWE Draft looming, it is once again time for the Towers Titan to cut bait with a number of low-to-moderate profile superstars. Of note are "The Natural" Shelton Benjamin and Mickie "Piggie" James. As for the others -- Jimmy Wang Yang, Katie Lea Burchell, something called Slam Master J (was he the white guy who looked like Jamie Noble, talked like a black guy, and hung around those lovable thug caricatures Cryme Tyme?), and Funaki -- well, not so much.

You know the rest of the drill...wished well...future endeavors...yadda yadda.

Idiot Father Blames Insurance Co. for Idiot Son's Idiocy.

Way to go (again) Hulkster! Now you've got me cheering for an insurance company!

First, you made me an instant life-long fan of Hiro Matsuda. Then I was rootin' for the sleazy divorce lawyers, and now it seems you've got me marking out for Wells Fargo Insurance Services South East Inc.!!!

Hulk Hogan: My Insurance Co. Screwed Me

Originally posted Apr 22nd 2010 7:04 AM PDT by TMZ Staff

Hulk Hogan has sued his insurance company, claiming it compromised his $30 million fortune in the near-fatal car crash caused by his son.

According to the lawsuit, Wells Fargo Southeast -- which provided insurance for the Hogan family -- only paid $250,000 to John Graziano, who is severely disabled -- the result of the Nick Hogan car crash.

Hulk claims the $250,000 policy limit exposed him to personal liability in settling the case.

Hulk's beef -- insurance company reps never advised him his policies needed to be reevaluated given that he had teenage drivers who posed a greater financial risk.

Hulk's lawsuit does not disclose how much he personally paid to settle with the Grazianos.

Hulk is suing for unspecified damages.

For the record, we here at Arabian FaceBuster agree with you, Hulkster, that your insurance co. should have warned you about the phenomenal liability your dipshit son exposed to you and your hard-earned fortune much, much, earlier. I mean after all, as the boy's father, how could have possibly seen this coming?

4.20 Arrives Early for RVD

TNA! has got a brand f'n new World Heavyweight Champion. A flippity floppity floo, tumblin' and somersaultin', feeble punch delivering, stalling via self-pointing, spot-STALL-blown spot-REST-spot (lather, rinse, repeat) choreographing, obnoxiously flexible, pro wrestling psychology deficient, injury prone, rather unreliable (due his love of the sweet sweet kang and prescription pills), past his prime World Heavyweight Champion.

Now that's what I call Total Nonstop Action.

Yr Ric Flair Robe Foto of the Week

What appears to be the robe Flair wore at Starrcade 1983, the night he captured the NWA World Heavyweight Wrestling Championship for the 2nd time against Harley Race in Greensboro, NC.

Hogan Film Festival, Part I...

...aka one half of Carminson Fritzerson's (better known as comment contributor "roddiums") penance for drawing Jack Swagger in the Stakes Is High Wrestle Mania Money In the Bank Ladder Match lottery of Fear, Loathing, and Drowsiness per the Wheel of Hogan's instructions is officially IN THE CAN!!!

While I am personally appalled by the expediency in which this report was submitted simply because it makes Pencil Neck and I look like chicken shit heels of the highest order for our dilly dallying on recapping the Chyna-X Pac sexcapade and the Hulkster's 2 hours of insipid and incessant audiotaped blather, respectfully, I applaud roddimus for enduring 90 minutes of liquor numbed torment and idiocy, as his recap captures so eloquently.

So without any further ado, here is his take on the box office smash and critic's wet dream Suburban Commando:

Well kids, here it is. The long awaited and much anticipated WRESTLEMANIA St. Paul/Prior Lake hulkster movie review. If you want a better synopsis of the movie, just head over to wikipedia. I had no idea that this movie was originally going to be titled 'Urban Commando' and was supposed to star Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. Luckily (for them), they decided to make 'Twins' instead. The movie starts with some special effects that were ripped from space invaders, only coupled with star wars camera angles. Wow. Really innovative and believable. Cut to a scene where the huckster appears wearing a futuristic plastic suit coupling the timeless style of He-Man and chrome spray paint. The following action sequence is so poorly written, filmed, and wrestling move inspired that I'm pretty sure the 'star trek the next generation' crew all got a raise. While the huckster is fleeing the ship via the handy hexagonal laundry chutes often found on space craft, he also plants a bomb destroying the evil general suter. OR SO WE ARE LED TO BELIEVE!!!

After being told that he needs to relax by his intergalactic boss, John McLain's great great great great great great great grandson's escape craft lands on earth and the huckster starts a *hilarious* montage of scenes where the gruff intergalactic warrior interacts with the zany locals of California! Remember star trek IV the voyage home? Only this time it has a reggae soundtrack!! I think the song is called 'almost paradise'. The huckster spies a for rent sign on a power pole and heads off. With purpose.

Here is where the movie got really hard to watch...enter Christopher Lloyd as....guess...a crazy professor (well actually an architect but he looks like a mad prof). He drives a Yugo, he stops at yellow lights (they really emphasize it), and he is a wimp. His boss takes advantage of him. He drives home and is ridiculed by a bunch of shade-tree car mechanics, led by the fat guy from Sanford and Son. The huckster ends up renting an apartment from the mad professor's family, resulting in a pretty nauseating skateboarding attempt, the hulkster carrying he kids into the dining room by their necks and asking 'ARE THESE YOURS?!', pumping iron with a drill press and a band saw, and having no table manners. I kept wondering who read this script and thought "I am a professional movie producer, and I know this is going to be awesome!!!" The only decent character so far is a drunk neighbor, the colonel, who sits in his jeep, actually a planter in his front yard, drinks straight whiskey, and ridicules everyone in his myopic view. I think he must have seen the initial screening of suburban commando, or he has a good recipe for enjoying it. I was 5 beers into the evening at this point.

Cut to outer space and the the evil general who is siccing some bounty hunters (one of whom is the undertaker) on the huckster. They located him because the mad professor decided to follow the huckster and fart around with his equipment...traceable energy dude!!! My eyes were subjected to another montage of the huckster punching mimes, defeating talking car alarms, stopping purse snatchers, playing video games, and flipping cars. His intergalactic sense of right and justice is pretty similar to the red and yellow explosion that shaped my youth. He then heads to the defunct disco he crashed into upon arrival (the 'landing pad' no less). It is at this point I realized the huckster has not worn a sleeve in the entire movie...not counting plastic he-man arm bands. After foiling a bank robbery, ("ANTI FREEZE") I realized that in this comedy (replete with racially insensitive Japanese jokes by Christopher Lloyd's unlikeable boss) had not only not made me laugh, but I had not even cracked a smile.

And I was slightly drunk.

Then the best line of the movie....an exasperated Christopher Lloyd tells the huckster he is 'an intergalactic alien Rambo with psychotic enemies'. Imagine the bugged out eyes, the sweat, the manic expression, pretty much everything but Marty McFly and a Delorean. Then the undertaker says he is going to kill the huckster, in a child's voice. Whew. If this review seems like it is running out of gas...well there is not much left to say after nearly an hour and half of this cliche drivel. I remember liking this movie when i was 12. You'd have to be a home-schooled 12 year old virgin with no friends to like this turd. Anyway, the final fight scene between the huckster and the evil general (who looks eerily like the swamp thing) leads to the huckster saving the world and then a rainbow pants hulkamania montage revisiting all the previously mentioned lack of hilarity.

Lessons Learned: 4th Annual AFSC&FC Edition

1. That General Skandor Akbar would have found our Nordeast Pub Crawling antics as nothing more than honkey tonkin’ in its most savage form.

2. That cabin fatties convene their own staff conferences and fan conclaves too, based on the assemblage of plumpers flanking us at Tony Jaro’s and firing down Greenie’s -- and it's cousin, the Pinkie -- (both of which are pictured above) at a pace that even the capable Rev Von Fury and Carminson Fritzerson couldn’t possibly keep up with...although they both tried valiantly.

3. Nordeast Social has the greatest waitress archetypes ever assembled for my lecherous, half-drunken gawking and rasslin’ themed small talk slash pick up lines (i.e. “You polish those wine glasses with the fervor, meticulousness, and gusto of Virgil shining up Ted DiBiase’s Million Dollar Belt”).

4. Ganking a taxi cab right out from under an indecisive, relatively acquiescent all bark and no bite Tony Jaro’s patron then cutting a Four Horsemen esque promo (sans the Rolex Watch, ostrich shoes, title belt, or rails of cocaine up the ol’ schnoz) on him and his posse of transportation-less Chum Bucket’s is equivalent in its exhilaration to not starting one’s day completely hung over, utterly worthless, talking with a tempo akin to Jimmy “The Boogie Woogie Man” Valiant pontificating from a gutter, and with Hulk Hogan’s autobiography on tape blaring in the background.

5. If Curt Henning were alive today, Pencil Neck Geek would want to convey to him the following message: “You’re doing good bud. I love you Curt. I love you man.”

6. That “Ted DiBiase’s forehead gushes buckets of beautiful blood versus Ric Flair” is equivalent to “Samoa Joe’s chest turns the color and consistency of raw hamburger versus Kenta Kobashi.”

7. That Glen Goza and the “We Are the World” anthem for squared circle enthusiasts that is the Wrestle Rock Rumble streamed over the interwebs > live Spoon + Deerhunter.

8. A pair of Arn Anderson’s “Anderson boots” (maroon with the three grayish horizontal stripes) on my feet = Great Idea. Lawn chairs in the Malibu Manor Man Cave (aka Smoky Malibu’s) to accommodate the viewing of rasslin’ = The Greatest Idea.

9. Fear the Wheel of Hogan and the machinations of terror and annoyance it contains. Always.

10. That hardwood floors provide both a striking aesthetic and a durable surface for a post ganked cab ride back from Nordeast drunken scrum.

11. That Rev Von Fury should eat a steamed ham or two prior to pub crawling across the Nordeastern terrain or face the next day head and hhaaaarrrttt aching consequences.

BREAKING NEWS: Fat Matt's Purple Splat

The non Shane Douglas and Johnny Ace in Body Glove neon yellow Lycra and aqua socks version of the Dynamic Dudes are reporting that

Matt Hardy suffered a biceps injury at today's Smackdown house show in Nottingham. Hardy posted a photo of a badly bruised right biceps and wrote for people to keep their fingers crossed and hope that the biceps muscle isn't torn.

*Crosses fingers* Here's hoping it is torn.

Late Update: --Matt Hardy's right biceps was checked out and it was just a bad bruise. He had feared a muscle tear. It looked nasty, but he is in good enough shape to continue working the European tour.

Curses!

Mulkeymania Reaches Its Zenith

Facebuster Nation: It's been far too long since we've featured the Manny Fernandez punishment taking and not working on cardiovascular conditioning exploits of the greatest mashed potato hued, purple trunked, twin brother jobber tag team with matching compact (and possibly bleached) mullets in the history of professional rasslin' -- Randy and Bill The Mulkey Brothers!

Culled from an episode NWA's flagship program World Championship Wrestling on TBS from a magical Saturday evening in late March, where The Mulkey's scored their first and only (televised or otherwise) pinfall victory over the "West Coast Tag Team Champions" The Gladiators...who I believe were actually Thunderfoots I & II but in different colored masks and unflattering body suits.

The match itself is only about one minute long. But what a minute it is with tag team chaos reigning as supreme as hideous looking referee and possible cousin to The Bros. Mulkey Scrappy McGowan is incapable of establishing any sort of law and/or order in the squared circle. The pinfall comes as a shock to the Gladiators, the Mulkey's, the studio audience, and even David Crockett, who's shit eating grin is set on "Astonished" during the post-match interview featuring Randy and Bill flailing their limbs in disbelief, uttering some underdog triumphs in spite of the odds cliches and on-liners, and catching their breath after that 60 second mat classic.

Please also file this post under Why We Watch, Exhibit U.2 aka Ode to the Jobber.

Yr Ric Flair Robe Foto of the Week

The Nature Boy manages to pull off the hot pink look.

Dusty Rhodes: Needs Hooker Lovin' Too

Facebuster Nation, as we found out together a couple weeks back, "The Boogie Woogie Man" Jimmy Valiant has an insatiable appetite for hookers, revenge against Paul Jones and his masked Assassins tag team combination for giving him a much needed whiskers trim, and interpreting and labeling any and all cognitive schema and phenomena as tantamount to a "Boogie Man Jam."

Before clicking play on the clip above, I implore you to prepare yrself, Facebuster Nation, for even more shocking and titillating revelations, such as (a) that Dusty Rhodes of all people was the one who rescued The Boogie Man from that gutter where he played his harmonica so woefully out of tune and so very very hung over; (b) that "replace" is synonym for "repay;" (c) that The Boogie Woogie Man is a polygamist to such a degree that he makes the FLDS's brow furor with ignominy and outrage at his perversions; (d) not unlike The Boogie Woogie Man in the early part of 1984, Dusty Rhodes is down on his luck something fierce (presumably due to being gang attacked and nearly crippled on multiple occasions throughout the Mid Atlantic territory by Tully Blanchard, Ric Flair, and the matching boots tandem of The Minnesota Wrecking Crew Ole & Arn Anderson); (e) street ladies lift The American Dream's spirits...amongst other things; and (f) Dusty Rhodes has nicknamed his penis "Baby Doll."

Yr Ric Flair Robe Foto of the Week

Another photo of this beauty can be viewed here.

The Twat Watch

Today on The Twat Watch: Stone Cold Steve Austin Tweets, "song of the day is Balls to the Wall by Accept. gotta go wash the cow shit off my Bronco."

Let's see how SCSA's morning has been in Rev. chronological order:

from one hour ago via the web " dude the events i just described were all true..only the names were changed to protect the innocent. 2 casualties- 1 shark, 1 cow... btw.im wearing my shark skin jacket to the gym..."

from one hour ago via the web " alright folks...even i have stuff to do...get to work people!!! and have a Damn good day in the process. catch u later.."

from one hour ago via the web "kind of busy running from the law right now jake....sorry to hear your troubles finding Damage. damn...just hit cow going 142 mph!"

about 1 hour ago via web in reply to jake_b90got 17 "state troopers and 3 helicopters on my ass...gonna have to go off road....all systems ready-engage 4x4 Low and hit the Nitrous!!!!!!!"

about 1 hour ago via web in reply to Marella316@guitardude83 "yep i have wifi in my Bronco..doesnt everybody? theres a bunch of buttons on my steering wheel too..just like the Mach 5....."

about 1 hour ago via web in reply to guitardude83@flowers889 "yes i read your tweets!!! im trying to drive 137mph!! gotta keep my eyes on the road..."

about 1 hour ago via web in reply to flowers889 "on Interstate 10 east headed for the Broken Skull Ranch in Texas...1500 miles to go..will keep u posted..going 137 mph!! fastest Bronco ever "

about 2 hours ago via web "bad news-game warden came to my house with the police-i didnt have my fishing license...gonna jump in the Bronco and make a run for it..."

about 2 hours ago via web "sitting in my back yard wearing my new shark skin jacket and loafers while grilling a shark steak. crown royal goes great with shark. cheers "

about 2 hours ago via web "morning workout-ran to the ocean, swam 14 miles. got bit by a 17 foot shark so i gave him a stunner and pulled his teeth out. yes i am ok "

And that is the Bottom Line.