Friday, April 16, 2010

Hogan Film Festival, Part I...

...aka one half of Carminson Fritzerson's (better known as comment contributor "roddiums") penance for drawing Jack Swagger in the Stakes Is High Wrestle Mania Money In the Bank Ladder Match lottery of Fear, Loathing, and Drowsiness per the Wheel of Hogan's instructions is officially IN THE CAN!!!

While I am personally appalled by the expediency in which this report was submitted simply because it makes Pencil Neck and I look like chicken shit heels of the highest order for our dilly dallying on recapping the Chyna-X Pac sexcapade and the Hulkster's 2 hours of insipid and incessant audiotaped blather, respectfully, I applaud roddimus for enduring 90 minutes of liquor numbed torment and idiocy, as his recap captures so eloquently.

So without any further ado, here is his take on the box office smash and critic's wet dream Suburban Commando:

Well kids, here it is. The long awaited and much anticipated WRESTLEMANIA St. Paul/Prior Lake hulkster movie review. If you want a better synopsis of the movie, just head over to wikipedia. I had no idea that this movie was originally going to be titled 'Urban Commando' and was supposed to star Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. Luckily (for them), they decided to make 'Twins' instead. The movie starts with some special effects that were ripped from space invaders, only coupled with star wars camera angles. Wow. Really innovative and believable. Cut to a scene where the huckster appears wearing a futuristic plastic suit coupling the timeless style of He-Man and chrome spray paint. The following action sequence is so poorly written, filmed, and wrestling move inspired that I'm pretty sure the 'star trek the next generation' crew all got a raise. While the huckster is fleeing the ship via the handy hexagonal laundry chutes often found on space craft, he also plants a bomb destroying the evil general suter. OR SO WE ARE LED TO BELIEVE!!!

After being told that he needs to relax by his intergalactic boss, John McLain's great great great great great great great grandson's escape craft lands on earth and the huckster starts a *hilarious* montage of scenes where the gruff intergalactic warrior interacts with the zany locals of California! Remember star trek IV the voyage home? Only this time it has a reggae soundtrack!! I think the song is called 'almost paradise'. The huckster spies a for rent sign on a power pole and heads off. With purpose.

Here is where the movie got really hard to watch...enter Christopher Lloyd as....guess...a crazy professor (well actually an architect but he looks like a mad prof). He drives a Yugo, he stops at yellow lights (they really emphasize it), and he is a wimp. His boss takes advantage of him. He drives home and is ridiculed by a bunch of shade-tree car mechanics, led by the fat guy from Sanford and Son. The huckster ends up renting an apartment from the mad professor's family, resulting in a pretty nauseating skateboarding attempt, the hulkster carrying he kids into the dining room by their necks and asking 'ARE THESE YOURS?!', pumping iron with a drill press and a band saw, and having no table manners. I kept wondering who read this script and thought "I am a professional movie producer, and I know this is going to be awesome!!!" The only decent character so far is a drunk neighbor, the colonel, who sits in his jeep, actually a planter in his front yard, drinks straight whiskey, and ridicules everyone in his myopic view. I think he must have seen the initial screening of suburban commando, or he has a good recipe for enjoying it. I was 5 beers into the evening at this point.

Cut to outer space and the the evil general who is siccing some bounty hunters (one of whom is the undertaker) on the huckster. They located him because the mad professor decided to follow the huckster and fart around with his equipment...traceable energy dude!!! My eyes were subjected to another montage of the huckster punching mimes, defeating talking car alarms, stopping purse snatchers, playing video games, and flipping cars. His intergalactic sense of right and justice is pretty similar to the red and yellow explosion that shaped my youth. He then heads to the defunct disco he crashed into upon arrival (the 'landing pad' no less). It is at this point I realized the huckster has not worn a sleeve in the entire movie...not counting plastic he-man arm bands. After foiling a bank robbery, ("ANTI FREEZE") I realized that in this comedy (replete with racially insensitive Japanese jokes by Christopher Lloyd's unlikeable boss) had not only not made me laugh, but I had not even cracked a smile.

And I was slightly drunk.

Then the best line of the exasperated Christopher Lloyd tells the huckster he is 'an intergalactic alien Rambo with psychotic enemies'. Imagine the bugged out eyes, the sweat, the manic expression, pretty much everything but Marty McFly and a Delorean. Then the undertaker says he is going to kill the huckster, in a child's voice. Whew. If this review seems like it is running out of gas...well there is not much left to say after nearly an hour and half of this cliche drivel. I remember liking this movie when i was 12. You'd have to be a home-schooled 12 year old virgin with no friends to like this turd. Anyway, the final fight scene between the huckster and the evil general (who looks eerily like the swamp thing) leads to the huckster saving the world and then a rainbow pants hulkamania montage revisiting all the previously mentioned lack of hilarity.


The Rev. von Fury said...

12-yr. old virgin?

Hah-hah! *points*

Srsly., thanks rodimus, I hope this was esp. fartastic in all its 64 in. glory...

Pencil Neck Geek said...

Cameos by The Undertaker and Bubba from Sanford and Son!?! I might just have to check this out.

Nice work, Carmineson!

Malibu Sands said...

"The 12 Year Old Virgin"...starring Zack (or perhaps his twin wunderknind Cody) and coming soon to a movie theater near you.

roddimus said... WEREN'T a virgin at 12?!

The Rev. von Fury said...

I was self-pointing, RVD style.

At 12, I was known as the "No- Fuck'n Show".

Now blow that damn whistle Alfonso! Blow it!!