Friday, May 28, 2010

Flair on Flair

Unbeknownst to this Arabian Facebuster Sexy Action News Team correspondent, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair was in Duluth, MN last night -- a mere two hours away from da Facebuster's posh and heavily armed Upper Midwestern compound -- glad-handing fans, signing autographs and cutting his trademark loud-soft-loud promo to kick off a live wrestling event.

From that town's paper of record:

When Ric Flair was a child growing up in Minneapolis, he wanted his parents to buy property on Lake Minnetonka. The family instead opted for a place on Lake Superior in Two Harbors.

Thursday was a homecoming for the man nicknamed “The Nature Boy.” The 61-year-old professional wrestling legend was the main attraction at the Rumble at the Garden, a Heavy on Wrestling event that attracted about 325 fans at Grandma’s Sports Garden in Duluth.

“When you’re from Minnesota, you can’t help but love Minnesota. It’s always nice to come back,” Flair said. “I came up here a lot, so I had a good time. I like it up here. It’s a beautiful town. I hate to see the economy struggle like it has, but just driving around today (provided) a lot of fond memories.”

Flair, who ended a brief retirement in 2009 to come back to the ring, didn’t compete Thursday. The 16-time world champion signed autographs and posed for pictures with fans for two hours and cut an in-ring promo at the start of the show.

In terms of its newsworthiness and excitement generation, this is equivalent to Jesus returning to earth, Dane Cook being brutally murdered on live national television, the Minnesota Twins winning the World Series, free Greenie's at Tony Jaros, and an The American Starship reunion in David Crockett's hot tub...assuming all of these things occurred at the exact same time.

Way to drop the ball in building awareness of this colossal and triumphant homecoming Duluth Chamber of Commerce. I'm talking to you, Linda Kratt. If Good Ol' JR ever gets word of yr extravaganza promoting shortcomings, I suspect he will shake his head in disdain (assuming it's not already shaking as a result of the Bell's Palsy) and curse you for being nothing more than a "damn Jezebel" between closing another lucrative barbecue sauce distribution deal.

And rightfully so.

But back to the issue at hand: During Flair's day in Duluth he took the time to sit down for an interview with a fan boy writer at the Duluth Tribune. Flair talked about how the WWE decided to retire Ric Flair and now that he has come out of retirement with the well oiled machine that is TNA!, he has no desire to ever stop rasslin' or walk away from the business again (I call that the "Keeps Pulling Me Back In" effect).

Ever. Never. Ever. Again.

Money Quote: "I'll just crumble and they will sweep me into a waste basket and I'll be gone!"

Unfortunately (or should that be fortunately) for Flair but fortunately (or should that be unfortunately) for all of us, this is not likely to occur in a Total Nonstop Action ring within the expansive and draped in neon confines of Universal Studios, Orlando FL, for TNA! is unlikely to be in operation when Flair's body spontaneously turns into a pile of possibly snortable dust.

This broken down egomaniac and his underlings will see to it.

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