Thursday, May 06, 2010

At The Movies with Carminson Fritzerson

Maritime correspondence of the Hogan Film Festival Part II whistle wetting variety from roddimus that he requested I share with da Facebuster Nation. Thy will be done, gentle sir.

Here is the problem - I am in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and I can't seem to find a video store from which to rent or purchase the Hulkster's critically acclaimed performance in 'Three Ninjas 4 - High Noon At Mega Mountain'. Upon arrival in Singapore I will find and watch said movie, as we all know the Hulkster's worldwide popularity makes it easier to find a copy of Three Ninjas 4 than a Big Mac in three out of four exotic countries.

Anyhow, as I was perusing the movie locker on board ship, I found a rare copy of the classic Joanie Laurer/Anna Nicole Smith film 'Illegal Aliens'. I will review that movie now as an appetizer to the grand finale aforementioned.

To say that Illegal Aliens is campy is to do a disservice to the term campy. It is so bad that it is good, but not that good, in fact it actually (much like our parabolic universe) come full circle to utter crap. The premise iof the movie is that three aliens come to earth to protect it from 'bad' aliens even thought thier home planet is dying because their sun is running out of energy. The three 'good' aliens are Anna Nicole, a decent actress who should have been in a better movie, and a hot (I use the term lightly here) latina. The have a cover as stuntwomen in Hollywood and Anna Nicole is as manic as in her TV show - which is oddly enough all the three watch on TV at their apartment. A quick view of the special features revealed that Anna was bankrolling this turdnugget, hence she acts like herself as 'comic relief' in a bad comedy.

Back to the story. Chyna shows up as the 'bad' alien, trying to take over the world by building some gravitational device to pull the moon into the earth. The three 'Illegal Aliens' thwart her repeatedly, and eventually defeat her.

The end.

There are several scenes which bear mention, however, one in particular where Anna sits on a vibrator, picks it up and then proceeds to pretend it is a toothbrush, a sword, a penis, a backscratcher, a magic wand, and some other unidentifiable motions. Surreal. Chyna actually is the best actress in this movie, and although the girl's outfits get skimpier and skimpier as the movie goes on, it is not very entertaining. They also have a 'charlie' (as in Charlie's Angels) figure, which they actually call charlie by 'accident'. ha ha. Throw in a red 69 Camaro, a hunky nerd scientist, and several incompetent dopey mafioso henchmen and you have it.

Oh, and Anna Nicole turns into a car, bus and helicopter too. Really.


The Rev. von Fury said...

Dude, a bonus review? Carminson Fritzerson has really out done himself this time!

I just would have loved to been the fly on the proverbial ramshackle correagated aluminum stall wall of the Oriental Pirated DVD stand when "Illegal Aliens" was first purchased by someone(!) on your ship...

Malibu Sands said...

Although I wouldn't go so far as renting and/or buying this steamer, based upon your review...or more accurately my interpretation of roddimus' review...that he actually found this movie more painful to watch than Hulk Hogan in Suburban Commando.

Is that an accurate summation?