You All Owe Me A Million Beers

Ho. Lee. Shit.

Here at Arabian Facebuster, we've alluded to the existence of a "Macho Man" Randy Savage rap album before, but I had no real hope of ever actually hearing the damnable thing. That all ended this weekend. While prowling the darker corners of the internets for art-punk records to (ahem) SAMPLE FOR REVIEWING PURPOSES AND THEN LEGALLY PURCHASE AT CORPORATE CHAINSTORES, I stumbled across this.

Shit, meet pants. This is one of the finest wrestling crossover artifacts I have ever had the (dubious) pleasure of witnessing. Contained within: Macho sounding distincly uncomfortable with his ghostwritten "urban" slang, 90's one-hit-wonder DJ Kool scrabbling shamelessly for a check, a tender ballad dedicated to Mr. Perfect, a little bit of hip-hop mixed with a little rock n' roll ("I like this, ooohhhh yeeeeaahhhh!") and some great cheese metal screaming, all without any of that nasty cursing.

Also,the title song is possibly the greatest dis track in history. Check the science:

Huh Hulk Hogan, Hollywood Hulkster
whatever they call you, I'm comin' after you, you coward

Hot diggity damn Hulk I'm glad you set it off (set if off)
Used to be hard Hulk now ya done turned soft
Doin' telephone commercials I seen ya
Dancin' in tights as a ballerina
I knew all along you had those tendencies
Cuz you've been runnin' from Macho like I got a disease
Dude please your pay per view event was a joke
You're avoidin' Randy Savage cuz you know you'll get smoked
Come on that phony fight the Rock spanked you fast
But when I challenged Hogan to a real fight he passed
I called him out but the punk was scared to go
It was a charity event but the Hulk didn't show
Hollywood Hulkster you're at the end of your rope
And I'm a kick ya in the butt and wash your mouth out with soap
Cuz like Rodney Dangerfield you gets no respect
So come on Hulk let's wreck so I can put you in check

Be a man Hulk Come on don't be scared
Your runnin' from Macho that's what I heard

Be a man Hogan Come on don't be a chump
I never thought Hulk would go out like a punk

Be a man Hulk Come on don't be scared
You're runnin' from Macho that's what I heard

Be a man Hogan Boy you's a chump
Cuz Hulk Hogan is a real big punk

They call you Hollywood (huh huh) don't make me laugh
Cuz your movies and your actin' skills are both trash
Your movies straight to video the box office can't stand
While I got myself a feature role in Spider Man
Ya hidin' man but when I find you it's on
And when I slam ya to the dirt you'll wish you's never born
I smell a coward mmmm is that you Hogan
Macho's gonna kick ya butt is the slogan
You try to ignore me thinkin' I'll go away
But I'm a keep on messin' wit ya dude day after day
And once you step to Macho you're through
The joke's on you so Hulk what you gonna do
Probably nothing cuz you're a real big punk
You called my dad up on the phone man you's a chump
Cuz if you really got static take it up with me
And I'll punk ya butt out for the world to see

And that, fans, is how the fuck you get down. I will be accepting my Gratitude Drinks at the upcoming Facebuster Conference.