Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Larry King Live...Semi-Live

In anticipation of receiving a phone call last night between the hours of 8-1o from one Vincent Kennedy McMahon inquiring if I could indifferently regurgitate the password for an instantaneous and wholly undeserved influx of cash into th' ol' coffers, earlier in the day I went on what even the most compulsive shopper would classify as excessive and altogether uncalled for preemptive spending spree. The interior of my Renault "Le Car" reupholstered with the fur of a dozen panda bear cubs, matching his-and-hers jet packs, and a $25,000 gift certificate to WWE Shopzone.com later -- all of it nonrefundable -- I was feeling contended with my impulse buys. What could possibly go wrong?

To my shock and disenchantment, however, that call from Mr. McMahon never came. As a result, I am now forced to subsist solely on a diet of expired baby food, Banquet frozen dinners (assorted varieties) that have been unfrozen for indeterminate duration, coagulating Slim Jim's, packets of Sweet-n-Low and Equal for dessert (although I must confess that I much prefer the former because Fugazi penned a song about its scrumptious sugar-like attributes), and the cheapest alcohol flavored swill procured from the So Low grocery outlet until I can get these items paid off in full, roughly the year 2028 if my financial institution's debt reduction calculator is to be believed.

On the bright side, I have Hulk Hogan's appearance on this evening's edition of Larry King Live to dissect. Time to drop some ice cubes into the Riunite and check how my Gerber peas & carrots fondue is coming along. *Dips Slim Jim in fondue pot and snaps into it* Mmm, the rotting smokiness of the Slim Jim really helps to bring out the sheer wretchedness that is melted baby food.

Let the semi-live blogging of what is sure to be Reason #150 to Despise Hulk Hogan commence...

7:59PM: I toss a couple of additional cubes into the Riunite to ensure optimum briskness.

8:00: Hogan is rocking a bright orange outfit, thus having the effect of neutralizing/washing out his wrinkly orange-hued skin.

8:01: King goes for the jugular right off the bat..."How are you doing?" Hogan responds by faking remorse and struggle.

8:02: We find out that Nick was initially placed in padded cell in a mental wing before being transferred to an isolated cell in an adult facility and finally a mainstream cell with a couple of fellow juvenile roustabouts. The payoff on my online wager that Nick Hogan was sodomized within his first 24 hours in custody has depreciated considerably.

8:04: "How did Nick's early days of incarceration affect you?" Hey Larry, tell your producers to take a gander through our archives!

8:10: Regarding the leaked jail house confession tapes, Hulk compares Nick's situation to that of OJ Simpson, Charles Manson, Paris Hilton, and Ted Bundy. Unable to wrap my head around the logic of this criminally negligent (or at least complicit) parent and eager to get fucked up, I grab a syringe and inject a wide-mouth of Riunite into my arm.

8:13: Hogan and Nick's helmet-haired attorney once again hammer home the meta-narrative, that Nick wants to take responsibility for his actions; although their constant bitching about how Nick has been treated unjustly, shoddily, and thus preferentially because of who he is (a Hogan, by Gawd!) by the legal system sort of muddles and confuses their argument. Moreover, I would argue that being treated unjustly and shoddily by our bloated and profiteering criminal justice system IS how you take responsibility for your misdeeds.

8:15: Hogan claims that the sentencing precedent is six months probation if you critically injure somebody while recklessly operating a motor vehicle. I pack a change of clothes and a case of Riunite in preparation for a trip to Tampa Bay after tonight's broadcast.

8:16: Hogan denies buying alcohol for Nick and his jack ass friends..."It was for the adults." Larry could ask "which adults were in your company and were you buying Miller Chill's for on the afternoon of the accident?" but neglects to do so.

8:23: Hogan reveals that Debbie Graziano (John's mom) was homeless and sleeping on the hospital floor of John's room early on in this ordeal. The Hulkster goes on to state that he has subsequently bought her town home, put her other son through college (welding school, perhaps?), and paid the expenses associated with burying her recently deceased father. A word of advice to the Hulkster: Cut your emotional ties and financial losses with this family, Hulk up, throw some comically inept punches to the cranium of Debbie Graziano, and drop that patented melanoma ridden leg across her throat. And then flex those 24" pythons in triumph.

8:24: There's no doubt about, Larry is the spriest 108 year old cadaver with his own show on prime-time cable television today.

8:30: Hogan is doing a masterful job of evading having to reconcile the reasonable and obviously well rehearsed comments he is making tonight with the outrageous statements contained on those tapes.

8:34: Hogan continues bitching about the leaked jail house tapes, claiming Nick had his privacy taken away. Ah yes, the right to privacy afforded to you in prison as you shit in front of your cell mates, get ass raped in the shower at another inmate's impulse and leisure, and live under surveillance and confinement 24 hours a day. Hey Larry, ask him if the problem is that the tapes were leaked or the controversial and despicable nature of the comments and conversations contained on them.

8:35: Hogan attempts to weep. Unfortunately, prolonged tanning bed usage has incapacitated his tear ducts.

8:43: More references by Hulk to preying and reading the bible to get through this whole Idiot Son ordeal. He's more shameless than a televangelist on the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

8:48: Meta narrative honorable mention: Hulk and his family are also concerned and focused on John's health and well-being going forward. I pour the remaining peas & carrots fondue on my torso in hopes that will act as affordable yet excruciatingly painful chest hair waxing agent. No such luck.

8:50: This whole situation has been really tough on Brooke, according to the father who likes to fondle her seemingly fully developed lady parts. Perhaps that inner-thigh and butt cheek rub was nothing more than innocent, NFL style motivational butt pat taken out of context?

8:52: Larry King has no arsenal of facts, compelling arguments, logical inferences, or obvious follow-up questions or retorts at this disposal to refute Hogan's denials, contradictory statements, outright lies, and sneaky redirects. But rest assured, Larry's still the sharpest adult diaper wearing geriatric on cable television today.

8:53: Thank Apollo Spas for Arabian Facebuster!!! We're here to handle the research, extemporaneous reporting, probing question posing, disentanglement of logic, reasoning and underlying suppositions, and miscellaneous heavy lifting that unpacking and trudging through Hogan's bullshit entails.

8:58: Hogan matter-of-factly asserts that he and his family are the victims of tabloid terrorism. Puh-leaze. Such a patently expedient and altogether absurd statement coming from a man culpable for both masterminding and perpetrating the most brazen and deadly terrorist attack ever on American soil, notwithstanding his embrace of said coverage in promoting his family's various exposure seeking projects too numerous to recapitulate in this entry and its prominent role in keeping them at the forefront of the public consciousness. For shame. Hulk Hogan, you might have taken away our national innocence and ability to thoughtfully select competent leadership to protect our homeland and uphold our constitutional rights, but you'll never take away our liberty, our freedom of press and expression, our ice cubes, or our Riuniate, poured over said ice cubes.

I swear this on Larry King's tomb.

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