Worst Wrestling Around

Shockingly crude.
Perversely watchable.
Unintentionally uproarious.
Breathtakingly atrocious.
Hideously unforgettable.
Beyond awful.
Dreadful +1.
Evolution and inherent goodness of man reconsidering.
Total fucking schwaz.

Ok, I give up...I am at a loss as to how most bluntly besmirch the Western Wrestling Association's sophomoric and ham-fisted approximation of professional wrestling last month at the New Brighton Tri-City American Legion's banquet room (heretofore referred to as the "Dub Dub A Arena"). Oh, I got it...how about Worst Wrestling Around!? It's a play on their acronym, and an ingenious one to boot.

Regardless of the specific phraseology, suffice it to say, these aspirant superstars may need to hone their mat wrestling skills, brawling abilities, aerial maneuvers, rope running, selling, pacing, in-ring psychology, microphone work, physiques, and all around athleticism before giving the grapplers in Ring of Honor a run for their money.

Some lowlights:

1. There looked to be 100 or so people in attendance. About 70% of the audience was comprised of the developmentally disabled and the persons responsible for transporting them to and fro. 28% appeared to be an assortment of dejected families from the nearby trailer park, dirty dirty ring rats, and confused slack jawed drunks who stumbled out of the Legion bar looking for the parking lot ("Dat gum, it's around here somewhere, I reckon!") and wound up in the Dub Dub A Arena. The remaining 2% were urban professionals (i.e. my friend Martha and me).
2. Peculiarly, the announcers -- Warren Christie and "Terrible" Terri did commentary over the PA during the bouts (possibly in reaction to the audience composition detailed above or simply as a matter of post-production expediency). Terri ought to consider enrolling in a remedial vocabulary course over at the local elementary school based on her propensity to refer to the heels as "dummies" while butchering words like "soprano." As in, "He'll be singing sopranto after that shot."
   
3. After doing the job via a freaking standing powerslam, masked inbred spastic redneck Handsome Pete delivered a botched Double J guitar shot, knocking the dapperly dressed Super Lee Cool legit silly.
   
4. I was sternly reprimanded by The Master (whose web site bio was ghost written by Saul Bellow) for snapping some digital pictures because it was interfering with their public access filming, despite the fact that there was no written or verbal announcement that digital/flash photogoraphy was strictly prohibited. Not wanting to get stretched out or have my stomach punctured with a jagged meth pipe, I promptly powered off the camera, returned to my seat, and continued enjoying shaking my head in disdain at the in-ring action tedium.

Tonight, Worst Wrestling Around returns to the Dub Dub A Arena. Mercifully, this dashing correspondent will not.