Friday, November 12, 2010

Reason #19 to Despise Hulk Hogan

He's got his own "reality special" on A&E, Finding Hulk Hogan, set to premiere on Wednesday November 17. And we've got the press release to unfortunately prove it..

Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, has been world-famous for almost thirty years. From the fan frenzy of Hulkamania all the way through to the tabloid-driven fascination with his family, Hulk has lived his entire adult life in the public eye. Losing nearly everything in the aftermath of his divorce, a pending lawsuit from his son's tragic car accident, and a body riddled with injuries from years in the ring, Hogan must now start over at a time when he thought he would be happily settled into his retirement. Emotional, and completely honest, "Finding Hulk Hogan" tells his side of the story -- and gives viewers a Hulk Hogan they've never seen before.

The one-hour special premieres Wednesday, November 17 at 10PM ET/PT. Weaving together verite footage, Hogan gives fans a stark glimpse at his entire life, including his darkest moments of depression, thoughts of suicide, alcohol and prescription pill abuse, his broken marriage, losing his entire fortune, deciding to return to Totally Nonstop Action (TNA) wrestling despite severe medical warnings, making amends with his children, finding God and committing to his girlfriend, Jennifer McDaniel. Candid interviews with Hogan and the people in his life help chronicle the ups and downs and round out the story of a man who is trying to rebuild the pieces of his empire and move forward with his life.

"Finding Hulk Hogan" is produced by Bischoff Hervey Entertainment. Eric Bischoff, Jason Hervey and Terry Bollea are the Executive Producers. A&E Executive Producers are Robert Sharenow and Andy Berg.

A few rhetorical rejoinders to these paragraphs filled with the predictable bromides, platitudes, and empty promises of transformation and triumph in the face of tribulation and adversity. (1) To what extent was this "tabloid driven fascination" with the Hulkster and his lamentable family self created, perpetuated, and sought? (2) Leave it to Hogan's I'm sure poorly compensated wordsmiths to deflect any culpability for the auto accident that left Nick's former partner in reckless driving crime Johan Graziano in a vegetative state while not so stealthily altering the focal point of sympathy for the ordeal away from John and onto Nick. (3) A "completely honest" Hulk Hogan? I guess the press release is right, this truly is a Hogan that we've never seen before! (4) Thoughts of Suicide!?!? You mean to tell me we were closer to Hogan Family Death Pool closure than we imagined!?!? (5) Man Bites Dog: Is anybody surprised that this is a Hogan-Hervey-Bischoff orchestrated and funded special?

And the obligatory concise previews and reviews from our finest television critics and pundits are starting to trickle in. Their assessment...Not good. Ink stained wretch John Griffiths of West Coast vacation trashy mag staple US Weekly offers his voyeuristic and gossipmongering readership this blurb:

Wrestler turned reality fixture Hulk Hogan opens up about his divorce, money woes and bout with depression in a tell-all special. Don’t fret: He soon finds God and a career as an exec for TNA Wrestling. Considering his stature in pop culture, this effort could have been a bit more insightful and less self-promotional (italics, Malibu's).

Do yr research Griffiths!!! Hulk Hogan is incapable of (a) serious insight; (b) brutally honest introspection; or (c) participating in any project or endeavor that does not entail shameless self-promotion and the reinforcement his grandiose delusions of pop cultural significance and mass adornment.

Griffiths' critique is therefore baseless and unfulfillable, yet still feeds the fairly tale of exaltation that Hogan and his lemmings have fashioned.

Sigh. Some days it feels like Arabian Facebuster is the only enterprise in the whole damn (WWE) universe articulating and substantiating these unassailable aforementioned Hulk Hogan facts, vetting all of his insufferable bullshit, and taking on his narcissistic tendencies and sensibilities with contempt, malice, antagonism, animosity, audaciousness, and valor.

It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.


Pencil Neck Geek said...

Somebody really oughta find this guy a bear to wrestle...

The Rev. von Fury said...

Please see Reason #10 for said bear.