Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Stakes...

Unlike Years Past, 2010 finds us with nary a ball-bustingly bad boobie prize for our Annual Arabian FaceBuster "Stakes Is High" high-stakes WrestleMania XXVI Prognostication Gambling Pool.

Of course year-one of this hallowed tradition found Apollo Spas settling in comfortably on the can for the literary dirge known as "If They Only Knew" (an appropriate title as any when one ponders the gender identity ambiguity of its author, former ROTC Candidate, "Celebrity Rehab" Alum and "The Surreal Life" superstar Joanie Lawler aka Chyna aka Sean Waltman's Spooge Bucket).

The reportage of which was followed, appropriately enough, by The Pencil Necked One's viewing of the aforementioned Spooge-Bucketing by none other than one Sean (EDIT: STEVE) Lacey's uncanny doppelganger, the former 1-2-3 Kid (Geek of course hoping all the while the numerical key of "1-2-3" refering to Waltman's stamina with the ladies. It, alas, did not) into Chyna's numerous and surgically altered orrifi (orrifices?!?).

And of course, currently we are treated to the weekly dose of delusion that is Hulk Hogan's psudo autobiographical WWE-Sponsored audio taped retrospective on the Orange- Hued Dirigible One's craptacular self-immoliating life and career thanks to the ever- malleable Malibu Sands

So now, how do we compete with that? Sex with Chyna, unfortunately, is off the table (most likely its on a public park bathroom stall floor somewhere). Sex with Hulk Hogan tag-teaming the loser with Daughter 'Thunder Thighs' Brooke is alas, available, but would likely just end up with the lucky loser feeling left out as this horsey, glistening, little three-way-dance would inevitably wind up just being those other two going at it while our poor lucky loser just sat by and had to watch.

No. This year is going to be different! This year we will SPIN THE WHEEL. Indeed, a WHEEL OF HOGAN! is currently under construction at a top-secret undisclosed oversees underground location! This perverted device, so terrible in its consequence, its true contents cannot be revealed until the day of WrestleMania! Needless to say, it shall be spun. Not just once, but TWICE!!

So make your picks carefully, lambs. Each correct pick will be one step away from spinning that terrible, slimy, dirty, wart- infested wheel. Each failure brings you one Big Booty-Wootie closer to its evil machinations, the likes of which have never been seen before in the history of the series of tubes and wires known as the internets!

Oh, yeah I almost forgot. Someone's going to have to spin the WHEEL OF HOGAN! no matter what their picks are. 2 Money in the Bank participants names will be drawn at random out of Malibu's Mesh Schmidt cap by each editor (& guest editor if you darest, Bissoux!). If you possess the name of the winner of MiTB, you will be spinning the WHEEL OF HOGAN! as well. It is possible that someone will be spinning THE WHEEL OF HOGAN! twice in one terrible, terrible, night...

May God Have Mercy on Your Soul.


The Rev. von Fury said...

The WM26 Card has still to be finalized.

I'll pull the trigger if they don't soon. It'll post it and we can start pickin' picks on that comment section.

Use this comment section to extol your fear and loathing as to what might a WHEEL OF HOGAN! could contain.... if you dare.

Malibu Sands said...

I think you meant 1-2-3 Kid Steve Lacey, not Sean Lacey.

In terms of prospective wheel of Hogan themed prizes of terror and discomfiture, I would suggest that we choose items that are easy and relatively inexpensive ($10-12ish or less) to procure. In addition to a Netflix search, I also checked out the ol' Amazon as part of my brainstorming and all of these items would fit the criteria:

1. A viewing and recapping of WM IX where Hulk Hogan's ego runs wild all over the card;

2. Pick your season of Hogan Knows Best. Watch it. Loathe yourself. Recap it. Loathe yourself some more.

3. Thunder In Paradise Part I, II,and/or III. Not the TV show, but presumably a movie made as a spin off of the TV show. Seeing as how each one is at least 90 minutes, I would not suggest forcing the trilogy upon the loser. Not sure if this should be thee separate items or a pick your poison scenario a la Hogan Knows Best.

4. Hulk Hogan Unreleased. A 3 disc set. Watch it all, recap it all.

5. Hulk Hogan The Ultimate Anthology. 3 DVD's. Same drill as #4.

6. The movie 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Magic Mountain. Co stars Lonnie Anderson. Yikes.

7. Secret Agent Club. Another kid friendly movie like #6. Does not co-star Lonnie Anderson.

8. Suburban Commando.

9. Mr. Nanny.

10. No Holds Barred.

11. Read and recap "My Life Outside the Ring." A more recent, non book on tape formatted autobiography.

That's all I got...for now.

Bunny said...

Despite that fact that i'm half asleep and had to re read that twice and still don't fully understand plus the small and horrific chance I might not actually be able to watch 'mania live this year (in which case i'll be sobbing in a corner somewhere shaking my fist at the internet and the torture of making predictions for a show I don't get to see...) anyway, i fear I cant even conjoin my wayward sentences right now, but basically, besides all this, I AM SO EXCIIIIIIIIIIITTTEEEDDDD.

Oh and I have some real life treasures / terrors to contribute to the festivities, please someone hook me up with the address of the facebuster conclave/HQ/most suitable representative. If the British postal service can pull through on their worldwide in 5 days claim, it'll be almost (but nothing like) like i'm right there with you.

Also, i've seen 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Magic Mountain.

ps. Im serious about the post, someone give me an address.

Malibu Sands said...

Amazon also Mr. Nanny/Suburban Commando in a duel family pack starting at $5, presumably used.

Oh, and The Lost Episodes of the XWF (Hogan and Bischoff's internet wrestling fed?), is available for $10.

Malibu Sands said...

Facebuster Nation, let me see if I can interpret the Rev's proclamations from the pulpit.

1. The stakes for WM are, once again, high.

2. Like years past, we are going to offer up our prognostications on all of the WM matches. We'll keep a tally of who picked whom.

3. Unlike years past, we don't have a fixed prize/task for the loser i.e the person with the fewest correct WM match picks/outcomes. Past examples of these prizes/tasks include having to watch Chyna-X Pac bump n' grind or having to recap 2 hrs worth of Hulk Hogan's autobiographical yammering. Instead, this year we are going with a number of painstaking rasslin' related tasks...all of which have a Hulk Hogan theme.

4a. Prior to WM, we are going to "spin the wheel" for each participant in our pool. Each person will thus be randomly assigned a Hulk Hogan task that, should they lose the sweepstakes by picking the fewest correct match outcomes, they will be on the hook to watch/read and recap on the interwebs. So I might be on the line to read and recap the Hulkster's other autobiography while Pencil Neck Geek might have to tackle a full season of Hogan Knows Best.

4b. Facebuster code dictates that the loser must follow through with their task...and it must be completed/posted before next year's WM.


I'll attempt to explain the side pool for MITB in my next comment...

Malibu Sands said...

In order to appease my insatiable appetite for reckless, degenerate gambling, this year we are going to introduce a second stakes is high sweepstakes surrounding Money In The Bank.

1a. Assuming there are 10 superstars competing in MITB, each stakes is high participant will be randomly assigned via drawing from my mesh Schmidt's beer hat 2 unique MITB participants.

1b. If there are only 9 as currently advertised (is Kofi not getting in this thing?), we'll have to come up with some modified format...

2. If your MITB participant actually wins MITB, you lose! Big time...

3. ...for you will be "spinning the wheel" and forced to take on whatever Hogan related prize/task the wheel lands on. (Or we might just come up with a fixed prize/task for this particular side pool).

The main stakes is high pool punishes ignorance, our MITB side pool rewards luck.

Game on.

Malibu Sands said...

Oh, and I should add that whoever you pick to win MITB in the main/stakes is high pool has no bearing on which participants you are assigned in the side pool.

Pencil Neck Geek said...

Thanks Rev, for that alternatingly hilarious/terrifying trip down memory lane. Likewise, Malibu, the ironclad Clarence Mason-esque clarification of the rules is much appreciated.

Shall we spin The Wheel at the former site of the relocated Pastamania! banner? Even if we are all murdered in the process, it would make for fascinating copy.

Brooke Hogan's "The Redemption" is available used on Amazon from $1.83. Loser plays the entirety whilst driving around their hometown with the windows down?

The Rev. von Fury said...

Windows and Pants.

Im in.