Reason #1 to Despise Hulk Hogan...Tape 1, Side A

“Hollywood Hulk Hogan” is the story of a Grade A d-bag’s meteoric, inevitable, and interminably recounted rise from modest and chubby beginnings to the pinnacle of sports entertainment superstardom, overexposure, and overinflated self worth. Side A of this first tape focuses specifically on Hogan’s formative years and how he broke into the business, leading up to his first big break and run in Vince McMahon, Sr.’s World Wide Wrestling Federation.

Hogan reads these passages and excerpts with the conviction, credibility, and authenticity of a U.S. solider forced to denounce our country’s leadership and military objectives by his captors. Much to my chagrin albeit not my surprise, his stories and recounting of events run the gamut from shallow and self-serving drivel to one-sided and misleading blather.

Below are some narrative low-lights that warrant recognition:

Cheers: To Hiro Matsuda, who according to the Hulkster, stretched him to the point of snapping his leg during his first wrestling training session, putting him on the shelf for three months. Unfortunately for all of us, Matsuda was not able to break the Hulkster’s resolve and derail his dream of one day owning his very own tanning bed and injecting steroids in his buttocks. You tried your best, Hiro.

Jeers: To Hiro Matsuda, for failing to permanently take out the Hulkster and then agreeing to work with him after the aforementioned leg snapping incident. To Eddie and Mike Graham (Florida), Jerry Jarrett and Jerry Lawler (Memphis), and the promoter in the Pensacola-Alabama territory (as Hogan calls it) for allowing him to get in-ring experience and exposure. And to pipefitter by trade Peter Bollea for laying 4” worth of skin pipe in Ruth and spawning this nuisance.

Useless Trivia: In 9th grade, Hogan played guitar in a band called “Infinity’s End.” Ugh.

Revisionist History Alert: Hogan claims that he started watching the local Tampa Bay wrestling when he was 6 or 7 years old and that “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes was his favorite wrestler at this time. Hogan was born in 1954. He is claiming then that he was watching Dusty compete in Eddie Graham’s CWF promotion during the early and mid-1960s. While I’m not entirely sure when Dusty broke into the business, some interwebs research shows that he didn’t win his first title (tag team straps with Dick Murdoch) in 1968 outside of the CWF promotion and that his legendary run in the Tampa area began in 1970 or thereabouts...when Hogan was well into his high school tenure.

Curious: Three times on this side of the tape alone, Hogan remarks how all of the wrestlers back in those days had hair “all over their bodies.” Compensate for your inadequacies and genetic failings much? I guess he’s setting up being able to claim credit for the gay porn body aesthetic that came to define and dominate the business in the middle 1980s through today.

Hypocrisy Alert: Hogan claims that becoming a wrestler was his dream but quits two or three times in realizing this goal because he wasn’t getting paid enough “bread.” The most egregious example is when Hogan claims that Eddie, Mike, Hiro, and the rest CWF boys had never seen anyone with his level of determination and perseverance. He ate, slept, breathed, and loved pro wrestling, brother. In the VERY NEXT SENTENCE uttered out of his mouth on this tape, Hogan proceeds to talk about quitting the business. At the end of side A, he is being recruited by Vince McMahon, Sr. to come up north. Reluctantly, Hogan agrees to pay the elder McMahon’s territory a visit, but on the condition that he DOES NOT have to wrestle. You would think the editor would try to reconcile this purported passion and tenacity for wrestling with these statements to the contrary.

Choicest Quote: Hogan recounting his teenage years -- “I was tired of being fat. I went to the beach a lot but couldn’t take my shirt off because my pecs looked like a woman’s tits. And I was even more tired of not having a girlfriend.”