Reason #1 to Despise Hulk Hogan...Tape 1, Side B

Yrs truly Malibu Sands’ recap of the lamentable saga otherwise known as the life and times of Hulk Hogan via book on tape continues. Side B of cassette number one chronicles our protagonist’s role in Rocky III, tenure in Verne Gagne’s American Wrestling Association (AWA), courtship of his former wife and current Charlie spooge depository Linda, return to the WWF now under the coked up stewardship of Vince McMahon, Jr., and culminating with the very first WrestleMania where he joined forces with Mr. T.

The vividness and richness of detail in the Hulkster’s storytelling is akin to a plate of mashed potatoes slathered in Alfredo sauce. Thankfully, this reads with a breeziness surpassing the wind gusts of Hurricane Katrina.

Onto the inanity:

Cheers: To the group of East Coast fans that vandalized the Hulkster’s brand new Lincoln Continental during his initial WWWF run, via tire slashing, window smashing, antenna bending, and loogie hocking.

Jeers: To Hogan high school buddy Nelson Kidwell – who was dancing, chillaxing, and making time with Linda at da club until the Hulkster decided that he was smitten with her – for not standing up for himself and/or sealing the deal in a timely fashion, thus allowing for the conception and delivery of Brooke and Nick onto this world.

Curious: As Hogan tells it, Sylvester Stalone was primarily responsible for casting him in Rocky III, even going so far as to negotiate directly with Hogan over salary. When I have more time to research and fact check this claim and depending what I find out, the heading might get renamed to “Revisionist History Alert.”

Egomania Unchecked: During his contract negotiations with Verne Gagne, the Hulkster assuredly and arrogantly refers to himself as a “damn goldmine,” despite Rocky III not having yet been released and having contributed and accomplished little-to-nothing of import in the wrestling business.

Dog Bites Man: As was the case with the first side of this tape, Hogan’s treats the business and those in it paying his salary with indifference and expediency, namely Vince McMahon, Sr. who Hogan quits on after being given an ultimatum to honor his contract or lose his job (Hogan of course quits in order to go do Rocky III) and Verne Gagne, who Hogan walks out on after being offered a lucrative, 10 year guaranteed deal and an extended run with the Heavyweight Title by Vince McMahon, Jr., and justifies it because Verne was undercutting and stiffing him on tee-shirt royalties .

Choicest Quote: Hogan recounting the first time he laid eyes on future ex-wife to be Linda at The Red Onion (“a disco club that served Tex-Mex food”…hmm, that sounds impetuously conceived): “She was a really pretty girl with a brown, athletic body and really shapely legs. She was like a thoroughbred horse. But she had a nice ass.”

Choicest Quote, First Runner Up: On being wildly cheered by the AWA fan base despite being billed and booked as a bad guy: “In Minnesota, they thought anybody from California was a God.”

Fuck you Hulk Hogan, for (a) having the audacity to painting Minnesotans with such a broad brush; and (b) being unable to account for the fact that the promotion’s top villain at that time, AWA Heavyweight Champion Nick Bockwinkle was billed as being from Beverly Hills, CA.

Fuck you.