Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Plot, She Thickens...

It is true, dear little ones, that this virtual plot of internet holy ground a'tween the heathen boughs and brambly branches that is the wilderness of interconnecting tubes and soulless wires known only as "The Internets", can and often does provide credible insights and time tested analysis on newsworthy or historical items of pro-wrestling merit rather than obsess over the seemingly endless antics of a certain displaced Hill-Billy family made up entirely of withered dirgibles of orange bloat be-topped with peroxided vulture nests and spray-on beards...

But one can't complain wheneth a bounty hath been layethed at our feets. Which is why the very Sexy Action News Brief splashed in the last post by the sexy and action-oriented muck-raker Malibu Sands got me a thinkin'...

No, not about how Brooke's new album cover art comes from a jail-house sketch her brother composed on a wad of half-used toilet paper, brushed in an ink made from the cafeteria's boiled beets and Nick's very own tears, but about the time during last month's Mid-West and Rocky Mountains Regions' 2nd. & 1/2 Annual Arabian FaceBuster Fan Conclave and Partial Editor's Conference when the beloved assembled there engaged in a rousing, and if hazed and be-Furioused memory serves, prolonged and engaged session in which we tried to guess/remember/blurt-out the proper name of one 19-year old Linda Hogan boy-toy, with the winnner/rememberer immediately to be hustled up the stratospheric stairs of stately Malibu Manner and hastily situated infront of an awaiting "10ft. Challenge".

Charlie! Her 19yr. old boy-toy that likes to drive around Hulk's Hummers is called Charlie! Yes, you remember, but it sadly is no longer the 2.5 A.A.F.B.F.C.&P.E.C. and you are shit therefore out of luck. No 10ft. Challenge for you. You should have been there. Tough.

Anywhoo, Charlie it seems, is bound for big things:
(from Linda's rep.@ Global PR Inc. via email to straight hating queer-monger Perez Hilton)

As for Charlie, he is an accomplished Spring board diver (4th in the Nationals), eagle scout and certified captain in commercial boating with his bigger goal of joining the fire department.

A Spring Board Diver! 4th. in the Nationals!! Boing-Boing!!! Eagle Scout! I'm sure Linda can attest faithfully to his Knot-Tying and Pledge-Recitin' Skills! Enough of Charlie's illustrious past, it seems that folks over there at
Global PR Inc. think that Linda Hogan's barely legal bit o' cougar-bait can...wait for it.....SING!!!!

And Charlie's gonna do it too, even if it means putting aside his
paramedic/ firefighting career path to do it, he will cut an album... All because that stupid slut and Hulkster-with a weave- Brooke won't zip her baggie rapper pants unzippering lips! Break it down Global PR Inc.:

If Brooke continues to spew lies on behalf of her father's lame attempt to distance himself from the reality that he is no different from the homicidal OJ Simpson, (OJ!? OH ZING!!) Charlie will be forced to put aside his paramedic/firefighting career path and release an album called "Redemption" which will easily surpass any of Brooke's records sales.

Hmmm. Redemption? Redemption.....sounds vaguely familiar... almost like something I saw that had something to do with Sexy Action, and News..... Ah-HA! No, wait. Does this really mean that Charlie is going to also call his so-called album "Redemption", almost but not quite like how Brooke is calling her so-called album "The Redemption"?

I don't understand this at all. These people are beyond redemption. Brooke Hogan could drop a giant Cleveland Steamer on Hulk Hogan's rapidly withering orange tinted chest and I still don't think she would have even blown out the birthday candles of redemption for this little number:


Malibu Sands said...

I didn't know that Brooke was dating Rey Mysterio!?

Apollo Spas said...

DAMNIT! I was JUST going to make that joke! Seriously, though, Rey can totes do better.

Pencil Neck Geek said...

I hope that Redemption and/or The Redemption feature cover songs from the Hulkster's seminal "Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band"-aka the Sgt. Pepper of Sports Entertainment related recordings.