Friday, January 12, 2007
A SmackDown! for the Ages...
...and I am sure you all missed it.
And the Rev forgives you, my lambs, because what else could one expect other than a full steaming stew of crapulance to spray out across the airwaves and into your innocent faces as it is wont to do every Friday night at 8pmPST on the local C'dub affiliate? But the past Friday Night SmackDown! was better, and for the first time in this lifetime, actually a superior product to Mssr. Monday Night Raw. As hard to believe as it is, the titanic New Year's Day Clash of the hardest core white rappers in the biz today, John Cena and Mr. Brittany "Tip-Toe through the Two Lips" Spears hardly left the impact of say even one-half a "OMG ITS KANE " Tombstone Piledriver delightfully delivered to the gambling and chewing gum addled skull of one Pete Rose.
But SmackDown!? SmackDown! delivered its most cohesive night of story telling since Jeff Hardy started saying "No" to drugs and "Yes" to seconds. And thirds.
And this humble clergy certainly could ask "Please Sir, 'an I 'ave some 'more?" and suffered the swift and certain Dickensonian retribution layed into my Tiny Tim ass, if only for another dose of the sweet ambrosia that is our country's longest standing proto-cultural feud.
No, I am not speaking of a scintillating inter-continental feud between the New Wigs and 'ol School Torries, or even Rosie and the Trump, but rather the original enemy of our dear civilisation, the sinister mystery that embodies an open wilderness and wild frontier, the dark recesses of our new world, the bloody savages drenched in pagan heathenism, the unbridled sub-human nature that is the Native American Turncoat TATANKA and his bitter arch rival, the most gallant of all American heroes, (well, perhaps a GI from WWII or from the popular Gulf War Ver. 1.0 might possibly be a more gallant hero) an all-American Cowboy Jimmy Wang Yang. Cowboys and Indians! Yes!
Please indulge your dear Rev. at this point by placing your open palm against your mouth and rapidly removing it, then again re-applying it whilst making a blood-thirsty "WOOOOOOO" noise as you do so. Now, you must understand the savagery that burns within TATANKA!
Now dear congregation, if you will indulge me just a bit more, turn your index fingers skyward and curl back the rest of your didgets to form a rudimentary pistol 'o flesh and say the words with me as you pump said pistol-fists skyward, "WOOO-HOOO!! YiP, YiP, YiP!!!! YEEEEE-HAAAA!!!" Exuberating, no?
Now I ask you, which of these two pantomimes do you believe to be the real, true, civilised war-hoot? If you replied the former, than believe me, you are destined to a pathetic existence of Tax-Free cigarettes, endless Whiskey drinking, and an insatiable urge to build Casinos and "Cultural" centers from sea-to-shining-sea.
But if like me, dear lambs, you found the cool imaginary steel a comfort to your cultural psyche, than I believe that you are on the right track, the long journey to that vaunted City on the Hill, the endless press to the West and its Manifest Destiny, just as is our daring and culturally correct young Jimmy Wang-Yang.
Join with me now in prayer, so that we might give young Mssr. Wang-Yang the strength that he most certainly will need to face the godless vessel of Satan that is the black heart of the savage TATANKA, and let him overcome all obstacles, be they poor booking, possible injury to the sternum (see last week's FridayNight SmackDown! for that one) or the loss of his lovely golden haired valet, whats-her-name. And let us pray for the delivery and salvation of the soul of the savage TATANKA, and pray that we never have to witness another 6min.+ demonstration of his pathetic winded pagan stumblings in our sacred squared circle, (in the words of fellow believer), AGAIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!!!!