Monday, April 02, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: Anna Nicole Still Dead, Chyna Still Insane

Train wreck. Car collision. Bowling shoe ugly. A total fucking mess. What, and/or possibly who, the heck am I talking about?

“The Marine,” starring John Cena? Nope, try again.

My temperament, judgment, and equilibrium after guzzling down two cans of Camo Black Ice? No, but you're getting warmer.

Last night’s Great Khali vs. Kane encounter? Technically accurate, but wide of the mark in capturing my intent.

"Good Ol’ JR’s" euphemisms for making sweet sweet love to his old lady? Profoundly disturbing, albeit not an unreasonable supposition.

The definitive answer my Arabian Facebuster amigos is Joanie Laurer aka Chyna Doll (pictured above just seconds after dicing a particularly large onion), specifically her (1) hysterical reaction to the totally foreseeable demise of her "dear friend" Anna Nicole Smith; and (2) enduring and unwavering exploitation of Anna's agonizing death (or if you're a glass half full type, then replace "agonizing death" with "shallow and utterly worthless life") for the purposes of straight to video motion picture promotion and career advancement. Although Chyna comes across surprisingly lucid and sympathetic in this clip, rest assured, she’ll be engaing in self-ostracizing behavior (like getting back together with X-Pac) and hitting rock bottom (like getting back together with X-Pac!) again real soon. In 5, 4, 3, 2...

No comments: