Friday, September 04, 2009

Cans of Beer in Yr Hand Ain't Cool, Says Ox Baker

This holiday weekend, be sure to take heed to the contentions and recommendations of Ox Baker, Facebuster Nation. If you see a youngster with a can of beer in his or her hand, do not be alarmed. Do not panic. And most certainly do not involve the police. The last thing we need to do is criminalize young people for behaviors that should be handled by parents and caring and concerned Samaritans such as ourselves.

Do, however, be outraged...and then proceed with these simple directives to diffuse and remedy the situation:

1. Confront the young persons in an assertive and authoritative yet respectful and engaging manner, something to the effect of, "Hey, you might think yr shit don't stink just because you have a can of beer in your hand, but on behalf of Ox Baker I'm here to tell ya that yr shit, oh it stinks alright; it stinks something fierce." Remember, this is a teachable moment.

2. At this point, if you don't feel your brain being kicked into a coma, explain to them who Ox Baker is.

3. Provide them with directions to the nearest public library (or libary).

4. Explain again who Ox Baker is.

5. Confiscate the cans of beer from the sure to be flummoxed adolescents.

6. Retire the comforts of your abode, fire back each and every one of those beers (the fact that it's free should make it all the more delicious), and enjoy this clip featuring a far more sinister, cantankerous, and ruthless Ox Baker as he lays waste to a geriatric grease ball promoter with his patented and dreaded heart punch.

1 comment:

The Rev. von Fury said...

So when he makes the proclamation "Ox Beek-huhr doesn't drink" does he feel that by simply drawing out the pronunciation of his last name that he somehow gets an 'out" for not really saying "Baker"?