Friday, July 25, 2008

Brooke Hogan: Funbags on Parade!?

Item: The New York Daily News is speculating reporting that Brooke Hogan has been approached to appear in the pages of Playboy -- presumably nude with her physical blemishes, vapid yet vivacious personality, and soul airbrushed out, but with her reputation, self-respect, and ridiculous fake breasts fully intact -- and that she's seriously mulling the offer (read: her reality show's production staff are figuring out how to interweave this situation into next season's story line). According to said rag of record:
The "Brooke Hogan Knows Best" star, 20, could use a boost for her stagnant singing career. Hogan's 2006 album "Undiscovered" reportedly sold just 127,000 copies.
Call me jaded (or perhaps naive), but I fail to see how posing for Playboy translates into increased album sales. Is there actual precedent/data which substantiates posing in Playboy bolsters record purchases and radio airplay (or for that matter box office revenue, Nielsen ratings, book sales, etc) or resurrects/rejuvinates careers? Wouldn't someone picking up a copy of an issue with her on the cover either be a diehard fan and thus already own her record, watch her TV show, etc. or, more likely, be buying the magazine stirctly to ogle her jumbo sized genitalia and not ever give a thought to supporting her various clothed projects?

The aformentioned quote also begs the question, what then is the purpose of her reality show?

Maybe instead of trying to regenerate interest in an album released two years ago, Brooke should *gasp* head in the studio and record some new pedestrian, uncatchy, indistinguishable tween hip-pop anthems about cute boys, cheerleading practice, her favorite of pair of jeans, hanging out in the mall, ensconcing one's teeth in diamond grillz, and supporting her brother as he struggles with the lingering psychological trauma of having been raped by nearly 50% of the inmates incarcerated at Pinellas County Jail (and approximately 80% of the jail staff), all of which she will have exactly zero hand in writing? Hmm, I wonder what Scott Storch is up to these days.

This whole situation is the reason I subscribe to Hustler, Club, Gallery, Jugs, Screw, Swank, Barely Legal, Shaved, Midget Hookers Quarterly, AND Family Circle. I appreciate their singular focus on the female form and knack at letting the individual character and inherent dignity of their models shine through.

And for the gratutious birth canal shots.

1 comment:

The Rev. von Fury said...

I'm sure that when Pencil Neck Geek finally gets around to viewing "One Night in Chyna" it will be just about time for him to lose yet another WrestleMania Challenge, and, the friendly former corner-store proprietor willing, Geek will be chided into a soft-core compulsory viewing of Brooke's engorged mommy's milkers and "enlarged" inch and a quarter (thats about 90mm to you Euro-Types) clitoris.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget those steamy "Bedroom Eyes"

the rev.