Friday, July 25, 2008


Oh. My. God. This is going to be the best thing, ever. EVER. Please, Baby Jesus, let this movie be one hundred years long. If this preview clip is anything to go on, this will be the greatest cinematic event in human history. I could cheerfully spend the rest of my life listening to the soothing (possibly codeine-addled) cadence of the interviewer, followed by Ted Hart's thick Canadian Accent and borderline-psychotic ramblings. In fact, if any of th' Facebuster Faithful can find out who this narrator fellow is, I would gladly pay him TEN AMERICAN DOLLARS (per day!) to follow me around and narrate my life. It would be glorious:

Narrator: Waking up, wit' a hangover.

Apollo: Last night! Will never be forgotten, by me! Or by anybody, I think, that was in the Farmer's Barn!

Narrator: Brushin'. 'Is teeth.

Apollo: Swooshaswooshaswoosha. Spit.

Narrator: Embracin'. Da wrestling blog.

Apollo: Malibu Sands trained me the most. And then, I think, myself.

Narrator: Losing. 'Is cell phone and keys.

Apollo: From what I understand, going from knowing where things are to, completely losing them is fucking, extremely odd to me, and it baffles my mind, and if I think about it too much I get a headaches.

Also, there would be slow-motion shots of me moonsaulting off things.

All fun aside, this movie needs to be in my DVD player, like, yesterday. And if, as the preview clip implies, they're still editing this leviathan, I would like to offer a bit of advice. The scene where Teddy Hart is sorting through his iced-out Jesus necklaces? That scene needs to be forty-five minutes long. Ditto for the shots of him drinking beer on the couch while shirtless.


The Rev. von Fury said...

Truth AND Reality?!?!?!?

The End credits promised 28 YEARS of photos and footage. I can't wait to see a surly six year old Teddy taking his little brother to the woodshed with a devastating array of arm-bar indian burns and spectacular moonsault wedgies.

Time to all move to Mexico! Viva la Lucha Libre de Corazon!!!

the rev.

Malibu Sands said...

I want more footage of Teddy playing with (and eventually devouring) that lobster.

I would also like to propose that we hold a "Teddy Hart Facial Hair Sculpting" contest as part of the staff conference festivities. Hmm, I wonder if Larry Nelson's still got that Kenny Rogers meets Grizzly Adams facial hair?

Pencil Neck Geek said...

Just getting caught up with a week's worth of Facebuster goodness. It seems that young Teddy Hart has been heavily influenced by the grammatical stylings of Korchenko. Look forward, do I, to many more hours of footage- "minty, minty" more...