While I had neither the time* nor inclination to waste precious brain cells staring into the creative abyss otherwise known as this week's episode of ECW on Sci Fi**, I have heard from a credible source (as well as from one not so much) that Gene Snitsky (pictured above performing some sort of modified Heimlich maneuver on the enzyme elevated liver of ECW Champion Bobby Lashley) made his eagerly anticipated return to a sports entertainment ring. Check that, an EXTREME SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT RING!
Gone seemingly are the halcyon days of oddly endearing foot fetishes, back acne, a braided goatee that looks like stylized pubic hair, edicts of blamelessness, jobbing on Monday nights, sloppy ring-work, and eyebrows. In their place, a Kane meets the kid from Mask manifestation, downright creepy shoe sniffing, jobbing on Tuesday nights, even sloppier ring-work, and no eyebrows.
I know that many of you little lambs in the Arabian Facebuster flock are equally skeptical about Snitsky's role in ECW and capabilities as a performer. The amount of emails and text messages I have received from all of you on this matter has been voluminous. Here are a smattering of comments, carefully excerpted in the interest of brevity:
"Dear Mailbu Sands, why didn't Snitsky reunite with Goldust and resurrect the second*** greatest tag team since the WWE was forced to 'get the F out' thanks to some lefty tree huggers and activist judges?"
"Dearest Mailbu, is adding yet another maladroit retread to the roster the best prescription for reinvigorating ECW?"
"Yo, Mailbu: I don't like the cut of Snitksy's jib."
"Hey Mailbu, Just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy the Facebuster. I read it every chance I get. While I am fond all the other bloggers on this site, you are without question my absolute favorite because of your provocative posts and razor sharp wit. My heart skips a beat everytime I read your posts. Forgive me if this is too forward, but I would let you have me if you wanted. I would gladly carry your child in my womb, if only it wasn't ravaged by disease. Anyways, just wanted to let you know that I think that Snitsky's a total fucking douche. Oh SNAP!, another inmate is brandishing a crudely widdled shiv in the library again. Gotta go. Wait for me!? Prisoner #090843, Shakopee MN Women's Correctional Facility."
"Mr. Sands: I am the Attorney for Larry Phofl, better known to you, me, and the entire world as 'The Total Package, Lex Luger.' My client demands that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing web log (heretofore referred to as "blog") entries, destroy such blog entries immediately, and desist from this or any other infringement of his rights in the future. Failure to comply with this request will result in swift and ruthless legal action. Have a nice day."
Mr. McMahon, esteemed members of the Board, and WWE shareholders (ahem, Pencil Neck Geek), the people have spoken. Snitsky is not the cure for what ails ECW. He's not even the placebo. The definitive, full-proof remedy for resurrecting fan interest and passion in your bastardized vision however, is a mere imaginative Google search away.
*I actually had nothing but time on my hands.
** This sentiment also applies to "American Idol."
***Astutely, the writer identifies Chocolate and Cheese (Booker T and Goldust) as the greatest.
****I ripped off this notation device from Ben Steele's most excellent blog.