Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch TNA, X-Mas Edition

For the first time in what seems like four and one-half months an eternity, I attempted to tune in and make amends with (sans Riunite, fastened couch seat belt, and repeated ball pein hammer shots to my cranium and genitals) sports entertainment's equivalent of snorting a couple of lines of speed crudely cut in a I-80 truck stop restroom before screening the complete Ritz Brothers filmography, TNA's The Impact Zone! Although tuning in about 20 minutes late, to my immediate delight, Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley came out of the tunnel with the former set for some six-sided, flippity-floppity, manically paced action against a paint-faced Asian cruiserweight I am unfamiliar with. My friends, this is indeed TNA!

To my chagrin, however, the whimsy and manic booking kicked in quickly as Sheik Abdul Bashir, who observed the previous match-up from the top of the ramp-way as Tenay and Von Hayes rookie card owner Don "Wild Wild" West pontificated on the exact nature of his sadistic intentions -- meandered towards the ringside area . After Sabin picked up the pinfall victory, Bashir entered the hexagoned circle and induced an overacted confrontation with jacked to the gills referee and Danny Bonaduce impersonator Shane Sewell. Based on the bloviatings of Tenay and West, I gathered that these two had been having contrived quibbles and inauthentic confrontations (that of course haven't progressed in storyline terms, captivated the imagination of any of the mutants in the Impact Zone, or drawn/likely to draw any money on PPV) over the past several weeks. Then something called Suicide, a scrawny, masked, full-body-suit attire-adorned wrestler time filler who from what I gathered from Tenay's hyperventilating and screeching commentary had humble beginnings as a fictional character in TNA's latest video game (wrap yr friggin minds around that logic, Towers Titan), descended from the rafters of the Impact Zone via pulley a la Owen Hart minus the tragic demise.

At this point -- frustrated, confused, emotionally betrayed, and physically exhausted -- I flipped over to the Trinity Broadcasting Network and marveled at the kid perpetrated crime fighting acumen of and anecdotal blighted urban redevelopment best practices proffered by Meadowlark Lemon, Mr. T, and Hulk Hogan.

This whole reintroduction to TNA fiasco has inspired what I hope will become a new weekly feature/bit here at Arabian Facebuster, the "Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch TNA..." inventory. Consider this the inaugural addition.

Things I would rather do than watch TNA...

(a) Tea bag Don West.

(b) Get tea bagged by Don West.

That's all for now. Tune in next week, fans!