Thanks to the the ever-supportive Portland Wrestling community, th' Facebuster Staffers will indeed be enduring the Royal Rumble this Sunday. And, in our continuing effort to make the modern wrestling experience somewhat bearable, we will once again be giving away twelve cans of delicious Iron City Beer to whoever has the most picks in our hastily cobbled-together betting pool. Also, we'll purchase a 40 oz. beer of yr choice if you correctly name the winner of the Rumble itself... but in the interst of fairness, you are NOT ALLOWED TO PICK TRIPLE H. Yessir, those 40's are staying on the goddamn shelf this year. Also, I'm including some bonus points to help prevent tie scores in what is, honestly, an especially predictable schmozz.Your matches, without further ado:
Chris Jericho vs. JBL
Bonus Point: Will this match be any good?
MVP vs. Ric Flair "Career Threatening Match"
Bonus Point: Will MVP gain my respect by bleeding like a stuck pig during this match?
Rey Mysterio vs. Your Facebuster Champion Edge
Bonus Point: Will we also see a Chavo/CM Punk Match? This bonus question goes up in smoke by the end of tonight, obviously.
Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy
Bonus Point: Will the WWE Crafts Services guys treat Randy to a Pizza Party after the match? They better!
And, finally, the schmozz de la schmozz:
Only twenty-four entries have been announced, brace yrselves: Umage, Snitsky, Bob Holly, th' Miz, John Morrison, Hornswoggle, Mick Foley, Batista, Undertaker, Kane, Jamie Noble, Finlay, Cody Rhodes, Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, Santino, HBK, Mark Henry, the mudering Great Khali, Mr. Kennedy, Tommy Dreamer, Triple H, th' BGV, and Chuck Palumbo.
One Bonus Point for every mystery contestant you can guess. Any announced before yr entry is submitted are, of course, disqualified.
Now to dip into the prize stash and make some picks...
7 comments:
Alright, fans:
Jericho beats JBL.
Bonus: This match, inexplicably, licks balls.
MVP vs. Flair: Flair wins or I riot.
Bonus: Sadly, MVP does not earn my respect.
Edge beats Rey.
Bonus: Chavo vs. Punk added to make up for how short the stupid MVP match is.
Jeff Hardy (please god) beats Randy Orton.
Bonus: Randy get his pizza anyway.
Even though th' Taker won me a 40 last year, in the interst of fairness I will pick... fuck it, the BGV. That ship's gotta come in sometime!
Secret contestants include: Trevor Murdoch, the newly rehabbed BIG SHEW, Chavo, CM Punk (this is called hedging your bets, people), and... the Edgeheads. Ho hum.
Considering I haven't watched WWE programming in the last month, sans the last ten minutes of RAW this week, here are my predictions:
JBL over Jericho. Bonus Point: Yes, this match will be plodding and coma inducing amongst the live audience at MSG.
Flair over MVP. Bonus Point: MVP will neither gain Apollo's respect nor bleed like a stuck pig. On the other hand, Flair will bleed like a stuck pig in order to distract the audience from his diminished bordering on abysmal in-ring skills.
Edge over Mysterio due to tomfoolery via the Edge Heads. Bonus Point: If you want to watch another Chavo vs. Punk match, just turn into ECW for the next 8 weeks.
Hardy over Orton. Bonus Point: In retaliation for not getting a pizza party from the crafts services guys, Randy shits in each of their gym bags.
Da Rumble: Undertaker takes it down...sigh...again by eliminating Hornswoggle. Mystery contestants: Punk, Chavo, Highlander Rory, Highlander Roby, Balls Mahoney, Deuce, Domino, DB Smith, Sgt. Slaughter, and Kamala(!).
Why is Chris Benoit the only one not wearing a 50s greaser wig in that promotional photo?
Okie Dokie,
Jericho/JBL- Yep, it's gonna suck
MVP/Flair- MVP bleeds like stuck pig. Flair wins, works in several Huckabee plugs.
Edge over Rey. No Punk/Chavo- Let it be noted I am not watching Smackdown right now. While my intensity and intelligence may be questionable, my integrity certainly is not.
Orton over Hardy. Orton wins pizza, wipes mouth with oversized jizz rag.
Rumble- Shawn Michaels. Since we know HHH is going to win, do we get bonus points for second to last?
Extra dudes... Um, Kendrick, London, Sgt. Slaughter, Rory/Robbie, Chavo, Murdoch, and the completely unelectrifying return of Bobby Lashley (Welcome back, Guy).
Anyone care to make a gentleman's wager on how many guys it takes to eliminate the BGV? I say 5. Please excuse my defeatist attitude, Apollo. We'll always have the '95 King of the Ring...
Whoops, JBL over Jericho via DQ.
Actually, calling the second place finisher is a great idea. Wish I'd thought of it. So, yeah, if yr pick is 2nd to last, you get a point. Cool? And I'm putting six guys on th' BGV (heh) in the unlikely event of his elimination.
okay my bretheren- I have consulted the Droz report over at wwe.com(tm.) and I think we see the Rumble pretty much eye to eye. Or his eye to my navel...
Y2J2K vs JBL- The cocky loudmouth wins in the M.O.T.N.
Dude in the Body Suit makes Flair bleed but not enough to deliver the promised "career threatening" but a mild "careerer schmeh-ing" instead.
Rey Mysterio gets the shit kicked out of him up by the two Edges, The Real Edge, and Chavo AND Vickie G.
Jeff serves Randy up his own slice of Tubby Tumm Pizza. Randy like pizza. But Randy like shiny, spinny thing better. One question Randy have though, why when Randy go all around country to arenas everywhere do all the little children have Rand'y's belt too, even though Randy's name on Belt? Randy like shiny belt. Randy keep shiny, spinny belt.
As to Le Royale Rumble itself...perhaps a word or two from the former Legion of Doom member Droz is in order...'ahem' and I quote; "There is no bigger spotlight in the sports-entertainment industry, and although there are 30 entrants, I only see a couple of possible winners" (A couple?)
Puke, er I mean Droz continues; "I feel(?!?!) it will be between Batista, Triple H, Undertaker and Shawn Michaels. Kane and Umaga are also in my thoughts, (excuse me) complicating an already tough decision (excuse me, since when has Kane been in anyone's thoughts, and when has the word 'thoughts' been used in the same sentance as "UMAGAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!")
"Well, I’ll go out on a limb and pick HBK (AH-HA!) for the win; he’s a two-time past winner and last year’s runner-up, so he knows how to get it done,(i.e. Undertaker)" (Well spoken my good man, obviouly your years-old traumatic head injury has done little if anything to your err your advanced sense of deductive reasoning. Now PUKE DAMNIT!!! P-U-K-E-!!!
Ahem. I pick the Undertaker.
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