The Official Energy Drink of The Whimsy Era

Life is filled with uncertainties. Alas, the only iron clad guarantees in this wicked world are death, taxes, and the fact that whenever Vince McMahon attempts to diversify his sports entertainment portfolio, it inevitably ends in failure. Unmitigated, spectacular, colossal failure. Vince's ill-conceived and poorly executed non-rassslin' related endeavors -- football (the XFL), competitive bodybuilding (the WBF), restaurants (WWF New York), music (need I remind you of KoKo B. Ware's vocal stylings on Piledriver), voter mobilization (Choose or Lose anybody?), reality television (Tough Enough and the critically lauded sequel, Tough Enough 2), movies (See No Evil, The Marine, The Condemned immediately come to mind), and drug abuse prevention -- are roughly commensurate with George W.'s failures in leadership and policy (off the top of my head, those would be the faulty rationale for, rush to, and gross mismanagement of the war in Iraq, suspension of haebas corpus, authorizing the torture of enemy combatants, turning bureaucratic offices and functions of government into networks for political patronage and cronyism, instituting a unitary executive model of governance, the federal response to Hurricane Katrina, stifling funding for stem cell research, the attempt to privatize Social Security, immigration reform, and that whole Terry Schivao fiasco).

To his credit though, Vince appears to finally have learned an important lesson. No, he hasn't stopped trying to expand his corporate empire and sphere of influence. Rather, he's embraced strategic partnerships and collaboration in the conceptualization, production, quality control, distribution, and marketing facets of product development. Say hello then to Vince's latest get rich quick scheme...a Socko powered WWE branded energy drink that offers consumers yet another superfluous non-thirst quenching option in the already oversaturated artificially enhanced, excessively caffeinated beverage market. And here's the kicker, it's only available for purchase at your local Wal-Mart mega emporium. Clearly, this ain't your twin brother's energy drink (aka YJ Stinger):

STAMFORD, Conn.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--World Wrestling Entertainment® and Bliss Beverages have joined forces for a major rollout of WWE licensed beverages into nearly all Wal-Mart stores nationwide. The WWE branded drinks will hit Wal-Mart shelves on May 15.

The WWE branded beverages are part of Bliss' "Socko Energy" line - their flagship product. The drinks include "WWE® Slammin' Citrus(TM) Powered by Socko" and "WWE® Raw® Attitude(TM) Powered by Socko."

"WWE is very proud of this new venture with Bliss Beverages, and of the superior product we've put into Wal-Mart stores," said Donna Goldsmith, Executive Vice President of Consumer Products. "Bliss Beverages' youthful and energetic brand is a great match for WWE, and Socko Beverages will fit in perfectly among WWE's expanding consumer products line."

But wait, there's more inanity! As a public service to the Arabian Facebuster readership (so we meet again Mrs. Spas!) I have compiled a precis of Socko's more preposterous platitudes and pithy dictums from their futuristic web site to give you all a fuller sense of how this corporate alliance is transforming the relationship between our bodies and what we put in them while empowering our impressionable and acne ridden youngsters to take charge of their lives.

• "Socko is a lifestyle. Your lifestyle."
• "Socko's unique taste captures life in its purest form."
• "Socko was created to conquer the status quo!"
• "Socko is about getting results -- it's about getting what you want."
• "Go Socko or go home."
  

I couldn't make this superficial garbage up if I tried...well actually I could, if only the fine folks at Bliss Beverages would give me a chance to interview for a position. I am confident that I'd make a fantastic corporate zombie spinster hack.

But as the old adage goes, the devil is in the details. A leathery skinned, melanoma ridden, Bill Shatner school of acting trained devil. As for all of those ivory tower eggheads and blowhard pundits who prognosticated that Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon would never again find themselves working on the same team (Team Socko!), to each of them I say...you owe me $5. Now pay up, bitches.