Hulk Hogan Is Fucked... Allegedly.

The monstrosity pictured above is the alleged lime-and-salt-flavored cheap shit beverage that allegedly caused an allegedly tipsy Nick "Idiot Son" Hogan/Bollea to allegedly wrap his Father's Supra around a palm tree, allegedly sending his friend and passenger John Graziano into an alleged coma, in which the alleged friend allegedly languishes, allegedly blinking and responding to the alleged pain caused by his alleged Pinch Torture at the alleged hands of the aforementioned alleged Father. Allegedly.

Despite a curious and total TMZ News Blackout on all things Nick Hogan Beer Binge related, a number of other (and admittedly less reputable) websites have followed up on the recent Arabian Facebuster scoop: Nick Hogan scored several cases of cheap-to-less-than-cheap beer on the afternoon of his retarded car crash. The specifics of the score, however, are where the real schadenfreude seeps in.

Not to put too fine a point on things, but Hulk Hogan bought the beer for Nick (allegedly!). Hulk's credit card was used in the purchase, and witnesses report that Hulk (assisted by one of Nick's allegedly underage hoodlum alleged friends) carried the beer out of the store, accompanied by Nick and a gaggle of his (allegedly underage) pals. Hulk then spent the day with Nick et al on board Hulk's boat, the U.S.S. Dirigible. One can only assume that vast quantities of the beer (which, for the obsessives among you, consisted of 2 cases Miller Light, 2 Cases Corona Extra, and 1 Case of the malted abortion pictured above) were allegedly consumed by the alleged friends aboard the alleged boat. There's also some nonsense about the drunken mob trying to pillage a Tiki Bar, and some gay-sounding lounging-around-the-pool action involved, but the meat of the thing is this: Nick and friends got all allegedly-loaded, hopped in two of Hulk's alleged cars, and ended up wrapping on of the alleged cars around an alleged tree and sending John Graziano into an alleged Vegetative State.

How do the staff of Arabian Facebuster feel about all this?

(ahem.)

Fuck Hulk Hogan. For Real. Here at th' Facebuster, we talk a lot of shit about the man being a terrorist, a dirigible, a rubbery bronze-skinned little bitch, and countless things besides. All of this pales compared to what Hogan really is... a barely-talented charlatan and a piss-poor father. His development arrested sometime in the early 80's, Hulk feels compelled to act out a pathetic, adolescent fantasy of what a father should be. He panders to his Idiot Son as though desperate to impress the feeble-minded punk. Terrified of losing his son's affections, Hulk Hogan postures awkwardly, desperate to seem like a "cool dad." The result is a disaffected, petulant, and amoral teen. While poor Brooke Hogan is obsessively sheltered, isolated, and controlled, young Nick is allowed to run rampant. Hulk Hogan ignores his son's misdeeds, dismissing them with a "boys-will-be-boys" attitude and an almost pathological disregard for the potential consequences of his son's actions. All of this "buddy dad" crap reached its logical conclusion with the crippling of John Graziano.

Congratulations, Hulk. This is where your greed, arrogance, and solipsism have gotten you. Your son has put a man in a coma and is facing felony charges. Your wife is leaving you. Your daughter is whoring herself for a record deal (not true!). And you have contributed to the delinquency of minors (allegedly).

How's your energy drink doing?