"Dear Pencil Neck Geek: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Xanta Claus. Papa says, 'If you read it in Arabian Facebuster, it's so'. Please tell me the truth; is there a Xanta Claus? Sincerely, Virginia O'Hanlon- 115 N. Fessenden St."
Dearest Virginia, your father is clearly an discerning connoisseur of fine wrestling journalism. Your little friends, on the other hand, are a bunch of half-wit nincompoops. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They think that nothing can be that is not comprehensible to their rotten, mushy brains. They will try to tell you that Xanta is nothing but an illusion- Balls Mahoney with a funny hat and miserable gimmick. One more in a seemingly endless parade of desperate ratings grabs by Vince McMahon. A concept to be embraced and appreciated by only the most boorish and depraved of this society.
Let's face it Virginia- our nation is nothing if not boorish and depraved. The charity and benevolence of Old St. Nick reflects the spirit of our holiday season no more. In keeping with the times, Santa has evolved into Xanta- a hairy manifestation our culture's selfishness and crass commercialism. Who stands to benefit more from our beloved holiday than the "Million Dollar Man" ? What is more real to us than violence and greed?
When Xanta Claus stumbles in my back door on Christmas Eve reeking of Thunderbird and Slim Jims, I will arise to greet him with open arms. And though Xanta may wallop my head with a sack of discontinued WWE merchandise and disfigure my spine with a vigorous Camel Clutch, I will thank him. For I will know that I- and the rest of America- have received exactly what we deserved*.
Warmest regards,
Pencil Neck Geek**
* Hey Xanta- If you are reading this, please bring me a King Kong Bundy Stretch Wrestler and and an Ultimate Warrior Suck Cup. The Camo Black Ice will be waiting for you on the mantle.
** With apologies to Dr. Phillip O'Hanlon
2 comments:
PNG -- Hopefully Xanta Claus will bring you everything you asked for, plus more, this Xmas.
Oh, and next time, have our plucky intern Chip handle all of your fan mail and correspondence. He's looking to make himself useful.
And a Merry X-Mas to you, Malibu!
Good point you raise re: Plucky Intern Chip. He does nothing all day but drink our Mello Yello and watch old Ultimate Warrior clips on YouTube...
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