Greetings, loyal Arabian Facebuster readers. Last night's ECW PPV was debacle of epic proportions. It was Heroes of Wrestling bad. Its utter wretchedness motivated me to dig out my 1991 Great American Bash tape and watch it in its entirety...twice through. And then watch a replay of Election Night 2004 on CNN, despite voting for John Kerry like five or six times, to restore my faith in man. Per the advice of the Arabian Facebuster's Financial Planning Consultant, I would imagine that WWE shareholders (paging Pencil Neck Geek) were selling their stock en masse first thing this morn.
Granted, I didn't actually purchase D2D, let alone go to the local Hooter's and watch it with rubes of similar cognitive ability to these guys. Rather, I saw the results on the Internet last night. What were Vince and his merry band of dim witted sycophants thinking when they put this show together? CM Punk eliminated first in the elimination chamber? RVD pinned moments later? The baiting and switching of Sabu? Tommy Dreamer doing the job to Davari? Heel vs. heel mixed tag team action? Sandman relegated to a token beer swilling, Singapore cane swinging cameo? Matt Stryker in action? A new ECW Champion who wasn't even in the brand three weeks ago? Ending the PPV 40 minutes before the hour?
Since it is clear that Vincent Kennedy McMahon is hell bent on crushing the fond memories fans had for the old ECW and expunging the optimism they once held/patiently continue to hold for the relaunched version, I wanted to reach out to this leviathan of sports entertainment and provide him with a few suggestions on how to accelerate the fan apathy and antipathy, financial insolvency, and spectacular collapse of the most extreme brand in WWE Incorporated's sports entertainment portfolio; in short, to help him further sabotage and ultimately destroy his product and investment. Here are a few ideas off the top of my head...feel free to add more (hopefully they will be witty and funny, unlike the ones below) in the comments section.
1. Hotshot title change tomorrow night...Oh My God, the Mummy is new your new ECW Heavyweight Champion!
2. Similar to the NWO on Monday Nitro, have Mike Knox and Renee Dupree take over all future episodes of ECW on Sci-Fi.
3. Tonight on ECW...The Dungeon of Doom reunites!
4. Have CM Punk wrestle in black-face.
5. Pay off the Miz-BoogyMan feud in ECW with a series of 60 minute time limit draws.
6. Hold a tournament to crown ECW Tag Team Champions. Have Rob Van Dam and Sabu put over cleanly and decisively the new titleholders...Brooke and Nick Hogan.
7. Sign Raven. If he is unavailable, then bring in his talentless equivalent...Naked Mideon.
8. Bring back Kelly's Expose and have her suggestively dance with Mae Young, the DX fat male stripper, and, of course, the entire McMahon family!
9. Replace Taz(z) on color commentary with Ron Simmons.
10. At the start of each show, replay the entire clip from RAW where Joey Styles "shoots" on the WWE's puerile storylines and all around contempt of professional wrestling to remind those viewers who have yet to abandon the product as to why ECW was (supposedly) relaunched in the first place.