Tuesday, December 12, 2006

He's Not So Sorry He's So Fat

"Say Hello to the Bloated Guy"

Some choose a straight and narrow. Others a more circuitous path. Dear children of the mat, the Reverend vonFury has returned from the wilderness and the lands of non to deliver warning this: choose thy path carefully lest the sweet smokey lady-like fingers of Professional Wrestling's Pepe' le Peew seductions woo you with their promises of intoxicated commercial air-line public nudity and Championship saving heart-attacks on your birthday.
The Ravages it Wreaks! Gods! The Twists of Fate highs, the Swanton Bomb lows... How any man could ever dare to live his Boyhood Dream when so many of the Superstars, the Kings of the Ring, the Sky-Walkers, have fallen so far and so hard!?!?
Believe in oh me my children, for I, though never truly daring the dangers of the squared circle, have inhaled the sweaty canvas must of its fateful dread living as I have lived literally snipping up scraps at its broken-table littered ringside.
Its Word-Life inflatable thumb and pinky finger extend like Charon's bony hand at the river, seeking to extract payment. Your very own beloved Rev., just as a too-oftened maligned Kevin Federline, as only pure and innocent bystanders, both lost their wives to this Pro-Wrestling Bitch Goddess and her malevolent appetitites!
Dear little ones, Forgive me..I fear I tire. But yes, oh yes, I will return sooner than the last time, my brethren and belfry flock with more cautionary photos and spiritual content...

The Rev.


Apollo Spas said...

I don't see what Steven Seagal has to do with professional wrestling... oh, wait. Oh, NO. Oh, GOD NO! NO, IT CAN'T BE! SAY IT AIN'T SO, SCOTT!!!

Apollo Spas said...

Oh, and fuck G-Unit. Just 'cos you're a bloated burn-out doesn't mean you get a pass for listening to wack rappers.

Malibu Sands said...

It appears that Scott Hall is going to the same tanning salon as Hulk Hogan.

Malibu Sands said...

Welcome back esteemed Reverend! With thy accounts of travels far and long, lead thine flock (especially Sick Boy) to the fertile river bank of professional wrestling wisdom and salvation, where we may all drink freely from its bountiful, ICO-PRO enhanced chalis.